Jenci S.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

When I was a little girl our yard backed up to a yard on the street behind us.  The people who lived in that house were older, around my grandparents age at the time.  We moved into that house when I was 5, and after the first time their little poodle broke through the fence into our yard we became fast friends.  Shortly thereafter her husband passed, and she was alone in her big house.  My family kept an eye on her, and I spent many an afternoon plucking away on her piano and playing with her dog.  We were close, and she was like a grandmother to me.  When I was around 11 she passed away.  She spent her last months in her home, and we visited her often.  Before she passed she gave me one of the most precious gifts I have received to this day, a bible.  A beautiful blue leather bible with my name embossed on the front.  Honestly, at the time I didn't realize how important that bible and what it contained would mean to me.  I read the inscription she had entered by her own jittery hand that day, but didn't grasp the full meaning of the words. 

Ten years later, even as I was being baptized I still didn't fully grasp those words.  Who knows, maybe in another ten years I'll look back and think I didn't understand it today.  But as of right now I feel I have more of grasp than every before.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart.  Lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path."  - Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust - reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing.  I need to trust God?  Someone I can't see?  That is something I struggle with on a daily basis, but am getting better at.  He is the one I turn to when I can feel myself losing my sh!t with my kids.  I take a deep breath and look up to heaven.  He is also the one I turn to at night as I thank Him for my day, and ask for his continued blessings.

Lean not on your own understanding.  This is one of my biggest faults.  I assume I know what people are thinking just by reading their mannerisms or tone.  I need to not rely on my own "understanding", because more often than not my understanding is very different from the reality. 

In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.  This is a daily struggle.  Daily I have to remind myself to put my food choices in God's hands, not my own.  I need to look to Him for the strength to walk away.  In all your ways.  That means everything.  Work.  Kids.  Husband.  Driving.  Buying.  Sleeping.  Exercising.  Business.  EVERYTHING.  A tall order, but one I am willing to work on.

"God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it"  -1 Corinthians 10:13

God will never give you more than you can handle.  I can handle the emotional eating, if I turn to Him rather than food.  I can handle the stress of being a mother, a wife, and a full time out of the house employee, if I give Him control over it all. 

Things are looking up people.  :)

I have had a lot of questions about my post yesterday.

"Why are you and your co-worker not getting along?" - I don't know!  Things have shifted, but there was no major falling out.  Her behavior toward me has changed.  It has been gradual.

"Have you thought about bringin in mediation or about speaking with somone in HR?" - Yes.  I have both thought about it, and have gone through with it.  Our HR person sat down with both of us and tried to have us talk through everything.  I cried, she sat stone faced and was completely unreceptive.  It was a bust, and nothing was accomplished.  The HR manager told me to come to her if I had any professional problems with my co-worker, I tried, and she made excuses for the other person.  It was easy to see whose side she was on, so I have since given up on that avenue.

It is time for me to move on.  Much easier said than done.  I care entirely too much about people.  I care about their feelings.  And sometimes I lose sight of the fact that other people don't think that way.  Their priorities are different. 

Enough of all that jazz.  I have share, I have a new bar I am in love with!  It is called Detour.  It has 170 cal, 7g fat, 1g sugar, and 15g of protein.  The one I am currently eating is peanut butter cream.  There is one that is like a Snickers bar, and another w/chocolate chips.  LOVE THEM!  My hubby gets them from Costco.  It is the perfect mid morning snack.  I have a protein shake for breakfast, and then this bar mid morning.  (It takes me a while to eat one).  Check them out!

Since 2006 I have loved my job.  I enjoyed coming to work, it wasn't a struggle to get up and come in each morning.  Over the last year that has changed.  I had a friend here at work who I trusted, loved, and allowed into my life.  She was in my wedding in 2007, I invited her family to my son's b-day parties, she was there the day my second son was born.  Now we're at the point at work where we do not talk, and can't even to cooperate enough to get work done.  It sucks.  Because of this work has gone from being a place I love to be to a place I dread coming to each day.  And it isn't even like I have an office where I can close the door.  She and I are in what I like to call "the bullpin", cubes in the middle of a circle of offices.  So I get the pleasure of hearing every little thing that comes out of her mouth all day.  Tough to turn off.  So today's solution has been to put in one earphone and listen to Pandora.  So far so good. 

This struggle at work has translated into a complete meltdown in all areas of my life.  I am constantly on the verge of tears.  I am constantly yelling at my kids, and short with my husband.  Not to mention the fact that there is no intimacy between us because I am always angry.  Not at him, just at my work situation.  Which is so not fair to him. 

I have always had depression.  I've talked about it before on here.  My doctor now has me on two antidepressants, a mood stabilizer and an anti anxiety pill to take when I feel a panic attack coming on.  You might be thinking that none of that is helping since I am posting what I am posting.  But I can honestly say I do believe they are working, I am at work, I am up and moving.  Those are huge accomplishments when you're so unhappy. 

How has this stress translated to my weight loss?  Binging.  I eat.  And eat, and eat.  But at least I am eating healthy choices, hence no immense weight gain.  But I also believe this situation and stress has kept me from striving to lose more weight.  I just don't have the energy.  As sad as it sounds, I am just happy I am able to get up in the morning and get to work in one piece.  And I am also thrilled that no one around here seems to really notice that I am worse for wear.  Not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.  I guess as long as my productivity isn't effected I am good.

When you've always been the girl in the corner, how do you adjust to being in the spot light?  I have often envied cheerleaders (at least in my brain, vocally I comment on how vain and moronic they are).  They proudly strut into the spotlight in tight, non-existent outfits, hair teased to high heaven, and enough makeup to cover their face and five others.  They beam as the crowd applauds their every move.  Man, how do they do that?

Some days I wonder, even if I had always been thin, had a cheerleader body, would that have been me?  Would I have ever been comfortable enough to walk into the spotlight and ask for attention?  Back in high school when it was over 100 degrees outside, would I have worn shorts even if I had had killer legs?  The answer to the first question, maybe, the answer to the second question, YES!  So now that I have a better body, and thinner legs why am I unable to bask in the attention and glory those two things bring?  I have tried.  I have a dress and a skirt I have worn to work, and received multiple compliments on, but I still am not confident in either item.  All I see when I look at my legs in the mirror, or the windows as i walk into work, are stretch marks, and blubber.  And in the back of my head I hear that dumb girl in my junior high english class saying "God, you have the biggest calves I have ever seen."  How is it something a dumb girl said over 15 years ago sticks in my mind so badly that I can't hear positive comments that come in daily which should cloud that old voice out?

This weekend my son's grandmother came over.  She had bypass surgery a year before me, and she looks amazing.  In fact, her surgery spurred me to have mine.  Anyway, we started chatting, and in the middle of catching up she stopped and said, "I am sorry, but you are gorgeous!  You know how everyone comments on how much weight we've lost, blah, blah, blah, well let me tell you, all I see is how gorgeous you are!  I mean you were always pretty, but you are breathtaking.  You have beautiful skin, a beautiful smile, teeth, everything, you're beautiful!"  Holy cow!  Where in the world did that come from? 

I have known this woman for over six years now, and wham, she compliments me.  And what do I say "Well thank you, I have been trying."  Ok, think about that, trying?  Trying what?  Trying to look gorgeous?  Um no.  That is something I have no control over.  Genetics.  Pure and simple.  I later realized I was giving her my automatic response to people complimenting me on how much weight I've lost, "I'm trying."  How is that an answer?  I guess somewhere along the way of being gracious and acknowleging my success I decided "thank you" wasn't an adequate answer to compliments.  It wasn't enough to thank them, I felt like I had to give an excuse.  Why isn't "thank you" enough?  Why can't I honor my accomplishment and bask in their compliments? 

I guess the long and short of it is, I need to work on being a cheerleader.  A cheerleader for me.  One who steps into the spotlight (every day life), scantily clad (anything is less when you've been cloaked in fat for years), and is willing to bask in the cheers (compliments), and applause (encouragement) from others.

Rah Rah Sis Boom Bah!

Hi everyone!  I have been absent since March! 

I have managed to keep my weight between 181 and 189.  That means I am in maintenance mode, since December!  I am amazed.

And yet, I wake up scared every morning.  I am afraid of the scale.  I am afraid that one day it will read 190.  And then eventually 200.  I am scared.

I get on kicks where I just want to walk.  I get on kicks where I just want to eat.  I have learned to manipulate my pouch.  But also, I have learned what a healthy meal is.  I have learned what healthy portions are. 

I wish I had more to say, but I really don't.  I am in between.  I am not thrilled.  I am not destitute. 

Some days I look in the mirror and am amazed at the transformation.  Other days I put on my size 12 pants and they're tight, and I want to lay down and cry.  I feel trapped because I know I look and feel better when I wear a shaper, but hate wearing them.  All I see when I look at myself naked is fat, blubber, excess skin.  I don't see a beautiful woman.  I am uncomfortable to see men looking at me.  It is nerve wracking.  Expanding my wardrobe to include dresses and skirts has been a stretch, and yet everyone in my life thinks I look amazing when I do wear them.  So why don't I embrace them, and wear them more often?  Why am I more comfortable in my chinos, flats, and jersey blouses?   The minute I get home at night I go into my room, shed my clothes, shaper and bra, and throw on a sports bra, comfy pants/capris, and an over-sized t-shirt (which I have a ton of in my closet), and veg out.  When I look in the mirror I see a woman with no breasts with big uncontrolled hips.  My husband sees a woman he can wrap his arms around, and pick up if he gets the impulse.  I see elephant skinned thunder thighs, my son sees him mommy, and loves to wrap his arms around my "trunks". 

Why can't I see what everyone else sees?  I look back at old pictures of myself and cannot believe how huge I was.  For a while I saw new pictures of myself and was amazed at how thin I was.  Now I look at those pictures and think, "Man, I was still fat".  Why can't I have that confidence back?  Why can't I look in the mirror and see the amazing accomplishment that is standing in front of me? 

I don't look at my 165 pound loss and think about how amazing that is, or how fortunate I am to have accomplished such a feat.  I guess I thought I would be a size 4, and weigh 120 pounds.  Instead I am a size 12, and 185ish pounds.  My husband reminds me that I want to eventually have plastic surgery to remove my excess skin (arms, stomach, thighs), and have breast implants.  He estimates I have at least 40 pounds of excess skin.  But even that doesn't change how I see myself.  How messed up are we as a society?  We train our children to see themselves as fat, thin, ugly, gorgeous.  It may not be intentional, but it is long lasting.