Jenci S.

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Mindless eating.  It is one of the roots of my obesity.  Just one.  :)  But it is a big one.  I am constantly looking for something to stuff in my mouth.  So keeping healthier choices around me was essential to keeping the weight off, and now to help me get the weight back down. 

I have to keep reminding myself I have a tool inside me, a gift.  One I can use for good or for bad.  I can cheat it, I can pretend it isn't there telling me to stop eating, or I can let it take charge again, and listen.  That is where I am today, listening.  Letting my stomach be the guide, not my head.  Because heaven knows where my head will take me.  It will stuff whatever it can in my mouth. 

Right now my eating is simply out of control.  I eat what I want when I want to eat it.  Someone on here once wrote, "I am not on a low fat diet, I am on a low intake diet."  I loved that.  I still believe that can be true for some people.  And maybe for me someday.  But I took it too far.  I believed I could truly eat whatever I wanted.  She wasn't saying she could eat one See's candy a day, she was saying, she could enjoy one See's candy a month maybe.  She was saying she could have real cheese, but not half the block, use real sour cream, but not smother her chicken in it.  And first and foremost she was eating her protein.  I think that is my hardest lesson.  I don't gravitate to protein.  I like most overweight folks gravitate toward carbs and candy.  In fact, I am not a one kind of fat offender.  Some people can choose between sweet snacks or satly, yeah I choose both.  I can't pick.  I am the girl with the bucket of popcorn and the box of M&M's at the movies.  I still live that way.

I am not sure where this post is headed other than to say I know losing this weight won't be like my initial weight loss after surgery.  Just because I have come to expect the weight to fall off doesn't mean it is going to happen without a lot of cooperation from me.  I am prepared to cooperate.  I guess that is where this is going.

Anyway, Happy Monday Everyone.  Ta ta for now.

You are all amazing.  Every last one of you.  Whether you commented on my last blog or not, your love, support, and advice was felt, absorbed, and 100% appreciated!  Thank you.

Some of you asked about counseling.  Yes, I go weekly.  I was in the intensive outpatient treatment for roughly 7 weeks, and have been back at work for 3 weeks now, but have a weekly appointment with a wonderful counselor.  So far we haven't really delved into the abuse because I have been dealing more with what is bothering me on my appointment day. So that is a goal I have, to begin working on the abose more, and to continue to read The Courage To Heal.  The abose is hard because it is not only a revelation for me, but has also been one for my parents, and they're having a rough time, especially my mom.  She has been asking a lot of questions, and I am trying to my hardest to not get defensive or shut down.  So far so good!

I was also asked about God.  And giving it up to God.  Here is my favorite song of the moment:
East To West
By Casting Crowns
Songwriters: Hall, Mark; Herms, Bernie;

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest

I don't want to end up
Where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know You've cast my sin as far as
The east is from the west
And I stand before You now
As though I've never sinned

But today I feel like
I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far
The east is from the west?
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Rising up in me again

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
You know just how far
The east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in

Today I feel like
I'm just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far
The east is from the west?
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far
The east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I know You've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night

I can't live by what I feel
About the truth Your word reveals
And I'm not holding onto You
But You're holding onto me, You're holding onto me

Jesus, You know just how far
The east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'Cause You know just how far
The east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

Just how far
The east is from the west
Just how far
From one scarred hand to the other

You know just how far
The east is from the west
Just how far
From one scarred hand to the other

I am a firm believer in Jesus, God, etc.  I know He is there to take the weight of my sins, worries, concerns on His shoulders, I just have a hard time letting go.

Have I heard of OA, yes.  I have attended a small group, and know I need to find a larger, more populated group, one that is less cliqueish.  That is something my counselor and I talked about on Friday, and she has made it perfectly clear that I need to make finding a new OA group a priority. 

Ok.  I think those were the main questions.  :)  I am alive.  I am healthier than I have ever been.   And I know and want help.  All in all, I am in an ok place today.  Happy Monday all.

Yes folks, I am still alive and kicking.  Kicking all my skinny clothes out the door that is.  I have gained 20 pounds.  YES!  20 frickin pounds.

On Tuesday, April 24th I checked myself into an intensive outpatient therapy treatment center for severe dehabilitating depression and anxiety.  At first it was 5 days a week for 6 hours a day.  Hour 1: Check-in, share how your evening went, etc.  Hour 2: Education.  Hour 3 & 4: Therapy.  Lunch.  Hour 5: Education.  Hour 6: Check-out and sharing of safety plan for the evening / weekend.  All of it was done in groups.  There was B Group where folks went if they didn't have the ability to comprehend / apply the lessons / ideas learned.  The C Groups which were the cognitive therapy groups, which I was part of.  People going through similar problems / struggles, who were able to comprehend / absorb and then impliment the lessons learned in their every day lives.  And the D Group which was for people sturggling with depression in addition to an addiction to drugs or alcohol.  I learned that I am not alone in the world, nor are my symptoms unique.  I also learned that everyones reaction, absorption to medications is different, and now find myself on not one, or two, but three brain medications.  I also have found myself on an ongoing binge.  An eating binge.  Hence the 20 pounds.  But back to the depression and anxiety.  The anxiety has subsided, I still have bouts, but am better able to see when I start working myself up and am able to calm myself faster.  The depression, well, it is still there.  It is bad.  I am trying my best to hide it, ignore it, press it away, but if I am completely honest with myself, it is still there, raging just under the surface.  Additionally, while in therapy I remembered being abused as a child.  I am not going to go into the details, just know it was sexual abuse by a family member I have continued to have as part of my life.  It is a memory I repressed, hid from, and pushed away.  Now it is there.  I have told my husband, best friend, and my parents.  I am reading an excellent book called "The Courage to Heal", and like my depression, I have found it comforting to know that I am not alone in my suffering from abuse.  The symptoms of my abuse are not unique, they are shared by millions who have suffered the same tragedy.  I believe this is why I am binging.  I am going through the abuse defense motions again, one of which is eating, making myself unattractive and therefore unwanted and therefore someone no one would waste their time abusing.

Currently, my depression is being fed by my abuse memories, and my eating.  My eating.  My eating.  My eating.  It is mindless.  It is pointless.  It is severely lacking protein.  It is severly lacking nutrition.  It is severely lacking.  I am struggling.  This is the only place where I can truly voice how much of a failure I have become when it comes to weight loss.  I am failing, and I am watching it happen and can't stop it.  I know, you're saying, "But, you're the only person who CAN stop it."  But in all honesty, I can't stop it.  I am rolling down the fat hill and there is no end, no bottom, no stopping.  I am failing.

Me yesterday: