Looking Back to Look Forward

Jun 06, 2011

I don’t even know how to talk about this. I tried it with a  picture on FB and got torn down for it. But I’ll try here anyway…

I ran across a picture of when I was getting ready on my wedding day. My cousin was doing my hair while a coworker was doing my make-up. This cousin is the one I can now exchange clothes with. You can see that she is half my size in the photo, it’s quite obvious. I am now her size.

It breaks my heart that I let myself get as big as I did. It’s not just that I look at it and feel I was unattractive, though in part this is true. I wish I could have been more beautiful for my husband on our wedding day, he’s an incredible man and deserves the best.

The outside packaging was the physical aspect of how bad I let my health get. I had no business promising forever to him when I didn’t know how long I had. I was refusing to take care of myself. I was as bad as my aunt. I found excuse after excuse to not get the weight off. They were good ones too. I couldn’t balance blood sugar, insulin, breast feeding, and exercise. How hard did I try? In my two week pre-op diet I was off medication completely, I haven’t been back. So how hard did I try to get healthy before I turned to weight loss surgery? It might not be the easy way out, but it was the cheapest way for me. Now that the weight is gone and I’ve watched it leave I understand what I could have done differently. I eat as many carbs in a day now that I used to consume per meal, no wonder my blood sugar was out of control. Did I really need those all you can eat wing nights?

Yes, I loved food, I loved feeling full, and I was killing myself. I didn’t exercise when I was pregnant because I didn’t ask what exercises were safe. I didn’t work very hard at all after the birth of my son for my wedding eight months later. When I exercised I had less milk and I used that excuse to not do it. I’m a jerk. I’m ashamed of myself and the excuses I clung to.

So on my wedding day I got married at my heaviest weight. My husband tells me that he saw me walking down the aisle toward him and he nearly passed out he was that overwhelmed by me (in a good way). I’ve even told him that I wished I were healthier/smaller/prettier for him on our special day. His response? He probably would have passed out, no almost to it. I know he loves me and sees me as beautiful no matter what weight I’m at, but the eyes of love are not the same as the eyes of good health.

We are our own harshest critics and I’m picking at something I can’t go back and change. I’m very grateful for the life I have. My husband is amazing and I’m glad that the rest of our days will be in good health. I’m excited that we have a longer expected time together and that I won’t end up helpless due to diabetic complications. I don’t want to be taken care of, I want to be a healthy able bodied full partner in my marriage. Now I can be. Is it not normal to wish to have been able to start life together that way? I know I can’t take back yesterday and I really wouldn’t. I do not regret marrying him, my sadness only comes from not taking care of myself better and not being everything I could have been.

I was too focused on fixing the mental before that I neglected the physical. Now I seem to be in the other extreme. I’ll find my balance.

At the end of all of this, I have learned a few things about myself. I’ve figured out my real motivation to maintain. It’s not in a dress size or the number on the scale. It’s about family and friends and selfishly getting as much time with them as I can. I want to be healthy and feel good and not worry about dying prematurely. I want my husband to be proud of me and I want to watch my kid(s) grow up happy and healthy.

The great thing about the surgery I chose (other than getting the weight off, getting off insulin, and fixing my gastric paresis) is that it’s a maintainable dietary change. My husband can eat what I do and he doesn’t complain. He looks forward to my experiments in the kitchen and loves eating healthier. He’s down about 90 pounds himself just with the dietary changes we’ve made. Our son loves my low carb creations and eats them happily. I can be an example to him, know I’m making good food choices and that he’s going to do the same. I won’t be packing away 2 pounds of bacon in a meal and then turning around telling him he can’t do the same. Because diabetes is no prevalent in my family this surgery and subsequent dietary changes are going to give him a fighting chance against the disease. The same with our next child. Teaching him good eating habits and leading by example are probably two of the greatest gifts I can give him (love and support not withstanding).

No more yelling at myself over eating something I know I shouldn’t. No more reminding myself that I can very easily gain weight back. I know these things, and I don’t need to try to guilt myself into good behavior. I have a wonderful life and I need to be around to live it with the most amazing man I’ve ever known and our child(ren), because really, what could matter more? I’m healthy NOW, and I need to stay that way for life.

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