kwinkleman

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Well today is my 5 month surgery anniversary.  I should be happy that I made it 5 months post-op right?  Well for some crazy reason I am really down in the dumps today...actually I started being down yesterday when I realized that today was my 5 month point.  And I know I will probably get a lot of slack for saying this, but I feel like a failure, I feel like I am not where I should be at the 5 month point.  I know we are not suppose to compare ourselves, but seriously....if someone was around my start weight why wouldn't we lose about the same way?  And why has my head hunger not gone away?  I still think about food the same way that I did before surgery.  I live in a world full of "normal" people.  People who go out and eat double cheeseburgers and stay a size 2.  While if I was to look at a double cheeseburger Id be in the bathroom tossing my cookies.  I still enjoy the occasional french fry.  The other morning I ate a 1/4 of a bacon and egg sandwich on toast.  It tasted so good.  But should I really be eating stuff like that?  I feel like I have gotten away from the "plan" now that I am far enough out to eat just about anything I want to eat....how do I keep from eating just about anything I want to eat?
I started my journey at 301...this morning I was 223.  That is a total of 78 pounds.  I have been up and down weight all month.  I drink protein shakes, I eat more salads (but the dressing is caloric), I don't eat late night, I try to drink more water but that is a struggle at times.  And I always THINK that I am hungry.  I can't say that I ever physically feel hungry but I always think that I am hungry, or I think that I need to eat something when I probably don't.  Around 10am I always want breakfast, around noon I usually think I need a snack, at 1 I take lunch, around 3:30 I usually think I need another small snack.  And I know that we are suppose to eat 4-6 small meals but how do we keep those meals healthy?  I feel like I have forgotten everything I was taught before surgery or that it doesn't apply now because I am so far out.  What is a healthy breakfast food?  How do I keep my calories down, keep my head hunger under wraps, and still keep...or start back up losing weight?It is something that I have struggled with my entire life and it is no easier now.  I feel like I have failed, the surgery isn't going to work for me.  I will never reach goal weight and never be under 200 pounds.  Maybe I am just having a "emotional" moment.  Maybe tomorrow I will wake up my normal positive happy go lucky self.  I just feel like if I can't do it now at 5 months out.  What is it going to be like a 5 years out when the weight starts stacking back up and I am miserable again.  My girlfriend told me that skinny feels so much better than food tastes.  I want that feeling...I want to know what skinny feels like.  And I want food to stop being such a major deal in my life.

My scale must be the "male" version because it truly enjoys playing with my emotions and loves to get me upset.  I know that we lose and gain for different reasons and at different paces.  I also know that our weight will fluctuate from day to day so we shouldn't weigh each day.  Yet even with knowing all these things....I still weigh everyday....and I still get frustrated on days like today when the scale totally loses its darn mind and says something stupid!!
Yesterday morning I weighed 223...which is great...that means I lost a pound in a week!  I am ok with that, as long as the number moves down at least by 1 digit I am cool.  Ok, so this morning I get up, do my same routine, weight....and this thing says 227!  WTF!!!!????  5 pounds in a day?  There is no way I ate 15,000 calories yesterday to magically gain 5 pounds.  So what is the deal?  Ok, so I go back through what I ate yesterday...for breakfast I had 1 egg scrambled with cheddar cheese.  For lunch I had 1/2 of a 6ft subway seafood and crab sub.  For snack I had the other half.  For dinner I had a small taco salad with (one crunchy shell, a spoonful of ground beef, sour cream, taco sauce, lettuce, onion & tomato).  That is not a lot of food.  It wasn't a ton of sweets or salty things.....yet the scale reads 5 pounds higher today??  I am confused.  I know that my weight loss has a pattern.  I usually fluctuate through the week and then towards the weekend it drops.  But 5 pounds is major!  I don't understand what I am doing wrong.  I am going to try to track my food better, count my calories closer and see if I can get this up and down thing under control.  I want to be under 200 pounds so bad.  And I know that these last 23-27 pounds are going to be the hardest because I do want it so darn bad!