Shook me to the core.

Mar 07, 2013

A friend asked me tonight what has been bothering me so much lately that it's "shook me to the core". This really has been "shaking me to the core" as he so naively said. He doesn't know about the surgery. I cried and cried and cried just now. I cried for everything I was, everything I am, and everything I will be. I cried for my past pain and my inevitable future pain. I finally took the first step in saying goodbye to the old me and meeting the new me. It took a long time. I knew I'd break down. I am trying to bring myself to a positive place since surgery is tomorrow morning. I want to be strong. I want to be stronger. I am scared as shit. I won't lie anymore. I am scared. I am terrified. I am mourning. I don't know what tomorrow brings for me, maybe it'll be more bad times, but I pray it'll bring good times too. Someone said "2013 is your year." He told me that on New Years Day. I told him "Psh, it's NEVER my year." He said "Well, when other people tell me that they year turns out great." Maybe that was my sign. Maybe that was something that was meant to change my forever and I never noticed. The writing on the wall we always think is for someone else might just actually have been for me. I may not be ready for tomorrow, but I am trying with all my damn might. No one, no one, can take that away from me. I am trying so hard. I just wish someone would tell me "It'll be ok". Someone would confirm that this is worth it. Or maybe I just need to believe everyone that has already told me that. I am a fearful person by nature. I am a worrywart by nature. My mom had to soothe me out of my crying fit. I feel like crying more now that I think about it! Haha... Ahh, head first. I've always been like that and I am still alive with a million stories to tell and maybe even a stronger better person for it. So, let's do this! Head first. See you on the other side!

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