It's a date ;]

Mar 02, 2013

So, last week Thursday I got my surgery date! It's March 8th! Amazingly enough most of my anxiety is coming from my inability to drink anymore. I just turned 21 on 2/11. I haven't been able to "legally" drink for a long time. Finally being able to has been fun and now I have to stop. I feel like I should've cried by now. Have a mental break down or something but instead I keep justifying everything. I keep telling myself to be logically and when I feel like I am about to start crying I stop myself. I don't know. All I know is I am highly scared. Scared, nervous, and at good moments in the day I am super excited. Mostly though that excitement doesn't exist much. I haven't completely quit smoking yet. I honestly don't think I will. My parents are mad at me. I am somewhat mad at myself as well, but an addiction is called an addiction for a reason. People act like food is the hardest thing to cut but that's not the case at all. Food. I'd rather starve before cutting my cigs. I am even more scared now about the surgery because of the complications that can occur but I don't plan on stopping now. Yes, I lied to my doctor about quitting. Yes, I know it's wrong. Yes, I know the consequences. Yes, I am very scared for my own self. No, I don't plan to stop now. I don't plan to stop smoking, I don't plan to quit the surgery. I don't plan on backing down now. I plan on taking it on and praying to God that everything goes as planned. Allow me another chance to make a change in my life. Lay me out on the line for one horrible habit but don't off me from a chance to make a difference. I sound stupid. I don't know. I'll be back before surgery and after!!!

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