Sick...and just human...

Jan 16, 2011

So, I am lying here in bed with the flu.  Ugh! Missing work and worrying about how I am going to catch up and be less stressed since I start back to school tomorrow. I sometimes wonder if I am crazy in thinking I can complete my Accounting degree while working full time and trying to raise two kids. I got burnt out the first time around. Went from having a 4.0 GPA, on the President's List and Dean's List.. to a 2.8 and losing my student loans. Now I have to pay for the first 4 classes myself and thankfully, my work has tuition reimbursement and the US has income tax. I also thank God that I have my Mom... though sometimes I just have to sigh and smile and remind myself how much I love her. Regardless, she is a TREMENDOUS help!

OH has become an addiction for me...I have to look at the before and after pics, read the blogs..etc...and I find so much inspiration in all of it. But, I have to say that it makes me take a closer look at myself and I don't like what I see. Do any of you WANT to be a certain way but you are so far from that, that it frustrates you?(Not just talking about weight.) Now, I am usually a go-getter...I go for what I want and I usually get it. Controlling my weight certainly doesn't fall into that attitude but I am trying to take steps to help me correct that. Another thing that I find myself not being able to control is my attitude. I have walls so high you'd have to take a 747 to scale them and even then I might shoot it down! Trust issues...I won't even go there. Bottom line is I don't want to be the hard ass I've become. My life has shaped me that way. I was once too trusting, helpful and open....now I am reclusive, stingy, defensive and wary. I am a bruised soul who really wants to shed light. Don't get me wrong. I am not depressed and don't deliberately TRY to hurt people's feelings..it just seems to happen that way as I have a tendency to pull away from people if I get even a HINT that they MIGHT hurt my feelings. So, pretty much I have very few actual friends. I have negative thought processes and that is an incredibly hard habit to change. I have to continually fight myself to be positive and helpful to others. It makes me feel good but then past experience  weighs on me and I get scared. Counselors don't really help much..I know how I want to be and I try my best to be that way. Going through my life experiences with someone else would  really be depressing. I have a wonderful friend who is a light to everyone and she is STUBBORN as hell!! Lol! She just happens to be my brother's longtime girlfriend and my best friend....my brother and I are very careful not to put her in an awkward position and she does the same for us. She is the kind of person that I want to be. Open, caring, genuine...I try to surround myself with these kinds of people but boy are they hard to find! Tells me that I am not alone though!  I will continue to strive to be the person I want to be inside and out but it sure will be a struggle to get there. Maybe it's a self esteem issue...yeah...probably so. It's definitely something that I need to work through and work through it I will!! I think that WLS will help with self esteem but it will NOT be a cure all.(I told one of my coworkers that I planned on trying to get the surgery and his reply was, 'Yeah, I knew a girl once that had that surgery but it didn't change her attitude.' Ouch...we have a strange relationship...I tease people to let them know I like them...he does too)..In fact, part of my weight loss struggles are probably due to some kind of defense mechanism..pack on the fat..pad myself from harm? Ahh...who knows...I just have to get to a place mentally and physically that I want to be. I will be signing up for some WLS support groups and maybe that will help. I really want to go to church too but I have to remind myself that all are not hypocrites (I've had some bad experiences with organized religion)...they are just like me, wanting to TRY to do the right thing...after all none of us are perfect...we ARE just human.

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