Lisa H.

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09-15-05
Hey Everyone,
I know that it has been alittle while since I have updated. I have had a busy summer, yep me. I have had a life this summer.  I was able to go to the shore almost every weekend....I walked on the beach, went on the boardwalk, went swimming, floated on a float in water for hours.  I have been able to enjoy having little treats here and there and done barbecues and gone out to eat.  My weight has fluctuated up as high as 182, but it has come back down. up and down....but at 174 I am so happy. I can wear 10-14's depending on the maker. I look and feel healthy. I am almost normal...lol...as close as i can get I guess.
It has been an emotional journey for me. I have been and still am learning how to cope with life without being able to use food like a drug. I also don't want to turn to other forms of negative coping. So it has been hard. I have had to deal with alot of feelings, can't stuff them down with food any longer. I am trying to deal with the feelings of fear that I have. This is hard, the feeling of being unsafe without all of my layers of fat.
I felt like it protected me, made me too gross for anyone to want....I guess it has to do with the abuse that I have endured in my life. The hardest part is this uneasiness i feel around men...it keeps me at home. I don't know how to trust them or myself, because I have been hurt. The last major time was Sept. 13-14, 1991...so it has been 14yrs. I thought I was over it, but now the weight being gone the feelings are back again. I hate this. But I guess in order to go on with life, I have to live through this. I will do it slowly. I will learn to trust my inner voice, which I always ignored. I know what the hell does this have to do with weight loss surgery.  Well for me this journey into super morbid obesity began with this. So my journey away from myself and into surgery and back to find myself had to have a beginning point. Now that the food and fat are gone I have to deal with everything I was trying to avoid, it just stays stuck, right where you left it, I stuffed it there and now that I "unpacked", here it is again.
Sorry to dump this all out on you.  But I have to be real..lol..
okay, so back to the good stuff. I have not been fat in over a year. I weigh about the same as I have since like a year ago. Now when is the last time I could say that! that is the wonderful part, I have a chance at staying unobese for the rest of my life.
that is the awesome part of this surgery.
I will still have to work with my tool, but it will work.
Praise God for that.
Can you tell I am on an emotional roller coaster.
driving me crazy.
Okay, so I just wanted to touch base and let you all know how i am doing, and were this journey is taking me.
I hope to be able to help anyone.
and one last thing- THANK GOD SCHOOL HAS STARTED!!!
LOL.....my kids also lived through the summer...lol...
My daughter is a senior this year, so alot of planning and activity. My son is now in middle school so he is also developing a life. We are all growing.
I will be back to update again.
I will keep all of you pre and post ops in my prayers as well as anyone who suffers from the horrible disease of morbid obesity.
Love ya's,
lisa
lap/rny 10-23-03 340/174/???  -166lbs...still yippee