Life Plan Devotion #221 [fear, faith, weight loss]

May 20, 2010

Hi, Everyone.
My plans to finish the devotion I started yesterday has turned into Part II, instead. If you have not read Devotion #220, please do so before reading today's devotion. It will make more sense, hopefully.
Here's the link: http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/vsg/4176195/Life-Plan-Devotion-220-91fears93/#34186755
I don't know if I will continue tomorrow or take my usual break and post a Flashback Friday Devotion, posting Part III on Monday. I guess you'll have to check back tomorrow. :)
Please pray for those having surgery today, those recovering from surgery, and all who need to face the fears of their past.
Blessings,
Mary

Life Plan Devotion #221 [fear, faith, weight loss]

Psalm 34:4 "[David said,] I sought the LORD, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears" (NIV).

If you have not read Devotion #220, please do so before reading further: http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/vsg/4176195/Life-Plan-Devotion-220-91fears93/#34186755

     My mother passed away, from cancer, in November of 2001. I was with her, and it was the most wonderful, most awful moment of my life. The death of a saint (a believer) is just different, and even the doctor who came to pronounce her dead could tell that she had been a Christian.
     I remember feeling shocked that I hadn't taken my last breath when my mother took hers. That's how close we were. I grieved hard and long. By the summer of 2003, I was still grieving, and the pain and loss I felt was just as raw as it had been 2 1/2 years before. I knew I needed some help.
     Last night, I sat down with 8 of my journals, covering June 14, 2003 (just after I entered therapy) and August 10, 2005 (when I quit writing about my journey, although I remained in counseling until recently). Flipping through some of those journals, stopping to read here and there, brought tears to my eyes.
     There's so much in those journals. I feel overwhelmed. I don't know where to begin. I don't know where to end. I don't know what to say or what not to say. I remind myself that today is no different from any other day of writing the Life Plan Devotion. I pray and seek God's guidance, then I listen in obedience.
     Memories had been trying to come up, for years. The time at the dentist, when I had a root canal and was given nitrous oxide. I felt panicked the whole time, and white knuckled my way through. I screamed and cried, in the car, the whole way home, relieved that no one would know how crazy I'd become.
     Bits and pieces of an unsettled past would flit to me, through a sound, a smell, a dream. As a nontraditional college student, in 1991, I, who enjoy dabbling a bit in pretty poetry, struggled over a simple writing assignment: write a poem, using your 5 senses, and share it with the class. I was confused as to why I could not write a simple poem. I'd try...and put it away. Over and over again. Then, it came, without effort, my pen flying over the paper, as I wrote:

See the pain behind the laughter,
The smiles that well mask
Those memories that lay buried with
Questions I dare not ask.

Hear the sighs that silently escape
The body aching to sleep
Though the nightmares sure to come
Reveal scars that burrow deep.

Smell the mustiness of the unopened closet,
The keeper of all fears
Thoughts that torture the mind and emotions
Stifling wished for, healing tears.

Feel the cold reflection that mockingly stares
From the brutally honest mirror
Touch each burning flashback of the mind
That begins the reign of terror.

Taste the mute words so foul,
The screams that beg to be released
Once more swallow pain and sorrow
Run and hide from this haunting beast.

     I could not even give that poem a title. When I shared it with my college class, it felt like the room had been sucked of all air. The professor turned to me and asked, "Mary, were you abused as a child?" In confusion, I replied, "I don't think so." After I got home, I put the poem in a drawer...far back in the darkness, along with the memories.
     A year or so after my mother moved to Heaven, my father put all our old reel-to-reel family memories on DVD. I sat and watched it, for hours, and I realized that of all the vacations we took, I did not remember one. I knew that I had very few memories of my childhood, but I thought it was because I was a "spacey kid." That's what my family always said about me. Even as a teenager, though, my memories are selective:  My boyfriend of 3 years, Woodstock, asking Jesus into my heart, singing in a "rock" band, and marrying my first husband. Not much else.
     Now, the headaches, the "lost" time where I wasn't sure where I'd been or what I'd done, the sleepless nights or nights of dreams I couldn't quite remember, the depression, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the lack of emotions except that of increasing fear, the weight gain, bottomless pit of grief, the deafening silence that used to house my mother's sweet voice, the false front that "Everything's fine" brought me to the very edge. I knew I needed saving, like never before, because it would be so easy to just lean forward and fall.
     I began having a recurring dream, 6 months or so after entering therapy, and this dream would be the start of allowing the memories to come up and out. What was in the dream, at least what I would dream prior to waking up, was not frightening, but how I felt upon waking was, and even though I was fearful of finishing the dream, or figuring it out, I was more fearful of not doing so. [to be continued]

What this has to do with weight loss:
Without a doubt, issues with weight are rooted in your past. If you are struggling with your weight, or if you're struggling to maintain weight lost, it may be because you have yet to face your past, to deal with it, and to heal from it. While we are not meant to camp out in the past, there are times when we must visit, to take care of unfinished business. With the Lord's help, and even with the help of a trusted friend, pastor, counselor, or therapist, it can be life- and body-changing.

Prayer for Today:
"Heavenly Father, as I consider my past and the root of pounds of pain, I ask You to be involved. Lead me gently there and back again. Give me wisdom to know when I need professional help, for You have given others the wisdom to know how to help me. I thank You that I do not walk this road alone. Where there are open wounds, may we attend to them together, and may The Balm of Gilead soothe them and all that the Cross represents heal them. Continue to give me the courage to face the past and all its fears. I pray in the Name of Jesus. Amen."  

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