The Last Thirty Days on October 2, 2010 3:18 pm
In 30 days I will lay on a table in the care of Dr. H while be rearranges my insides so that I can utilize this fabulous tool, this gift... Duodenal Switch. I have so many feelings and have come so far. Just the last 2 days it has sunk in. I am trying to lose pre op and so far have lost 3 lbs. I am trying so hard! Today was a good day... I tasted some things I did not really need to but I didn't do more then taste and I felt good about it. Just a taste was enough. In turn... I realized when I was eating my salad that I was satisfied and did stop even though I was a few bites over by then... Usually I would say so what it is salad and chicken so who care if I am full but I honestly didn't like the feeling since I have been eating such small portions. I have found that it is ok to be hungry sometimes and instead of longing for what others are having I sometimes feel bad for them. I think... there are such better choices and maybe the crappy but yummy food is why you never feel good. In my family, everyone is always tired or don't feel good. It is the food they are eating... but I also realize I cannot change that. I do sometimes take a bite but that is a long way from a heaping plate. I even turned down Chinese food... I will have days I could have done better. But, I refuse to beat myself up because I am trying. It is the little things. I am going to start walking a lil bit everyday. I know I can't go far but I can do something. Today my mom and I went to Petsmart with the dogs. I dressed our girls up and took them to walk around the store. They loved it and I loved it.
I am looking forward to the day they wheel me off to surgery... Nov. 2nd... I just hope my mom, my son, and my family and friends will be as happy for me as I am. This is a life saving mission... This is not magic solution nor do I think it is. I am preparing for battle with everyday that goes by. I attend groups to gear up and I read and watch videos to know what to expect. I lean on those who have went before me. I refuse to quit and finally I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am more worried about the upper Gi then the surgery itself. Today I went also to GNC to research. I have ordered some Unjury and tried that today. It was good but I did not really like what I mixed it in. I have pretty much accepted that there will be a time of grieving and will soon complete that but for now I am controlling my feelings of loss well. I think because I am looking at what I am losing and what I am gaining and the gaining just looks better to me.
I have just recently admitted to myself that I have not had the self esteem I used to. That I have torn down relationships and avoided things in my life simply due to my lack of confidence and fear of how others will react or treat me. I said I would never let anyone prevent me from being all I can be and I have but I am taking back my power. I will not rub it in although there are a few people I want to make feel as bad and they have me but it would be a waste. They would just think it was me being mean and never see what they had done to get this reaction. So, I will move on.
I realize that I will never change how the world views obesity nor will I solve allo my problems but just losing weight but I do know that I will only have to worry about how I feel and not letting them steal my joy. Never Gonna Steal My Joy.... Mandisa... she had to be thinking of me when she was doing that song. Ok, so she wasn't but I am done being held back. I don't know 100% what is to come but I do know whatever it is I am ready! I think the only thing that scares me is the unknown but then on the other hand... it is soooooo exciting! I am already window shopping... I want to do 3 things... 1. Shop at Old Navy 2. Shop at the Limited... 3. Shop at Victoria's Secret... ok 4 things... 4. Wear Seven Jeans... 1 and 4 will be the easiest to achieve... I also want to learn to walk in heels again and take Ballroom dancing lessons... ok, that is 6 things... go figure. What I want more then anything is for my son to be proud of his mom... to know just how sorry I am that my obesity made his life harder... I would love for him to say Mom... you are beautiful! I want to look in the mirror and see this person who has been trying so hard to get out for so long... I am ready!
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Trying again on June 2, 2010 7:47 am
So I have not posted in so long. I have relocated alot and am now back in TN. I chased the dream and now it is kind of chasing me. I began this journey so long ago and with such big hopes and now I am just trying to stay true to myself and make the best choices I can. I have been up and down and round and round and now... well I am standing kind in one place and it feels good. Unfortunately there have been lost relationships but I hate to say some I am not so sorry about. Sometimes dumping out what is toxic makes for an easy journey. Today, I work for a great company... Asurion. They have great insurance that now opens the door back up for me to have surgery again. I have witnessed alot of things that distanced me from the desire and yet I have to still admit I know that there is a reason I am going through this and it will make me more successful later by learning from those experiences. I am currently still deciding if I will pursue it but if I do it will likely not happen till beginning of next year. I wanted to be thin by 40 but now I don't really think thin is for me but I do want to lose weight and be healthy. Mobility in my 40's is my focus. Thanks for reading. More later I need to hussle and get ready for work!
I'm Back! on September 2, 2008 8:18 pm
So I have arrived back in Cali and tomorrow will be 3 weeks. I am just now getting internet and trying to begin my walk towards WLS. I am so scared. I have anxiety sometimes because right now I am pretty much isolated. I don't have friends out here where I am living and my grams is older so we don't do alot but watch TV. I am so grateful that she let me come be here with her. It is just hard because she don't quite understand me. I try not to worry her or make her feel bad. She is trying so hard to help. I love her lots! I just don't know which way to go this time. I am hoping to eventually meet some of the people out in Modesto area from OH. I am glad I took the step to move.
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New Path on February 24, 2008 10:09 am
So many of you know I have taken a different path other than WLS due to no insurance. After 2 denials and changing to a job that does not offer insurance I am trying something different. I have to say I am suprised how easy it is and that makes me think I am doing something wrong but I am doing what they asked. Yesterday, I ate breakfast and then after taking my pill at 10 when I have snack I realized it is working cause the thought of eating was repulsive to me. I could not believe it. I never was hungry so never ate dinner and forced myself to eat a snack before bed which all I could get down is a string cheese. I thought ok... I will wake up hungry. But... I didn't and I made a nice breakfast. I also did eat my 10am snack. It is lunch time and I can't eat... I am so not hungry. This is so different for me. I am going to wait and try to get a bit hungry. I am amazed. I have lost all intrest in food. It is good and bad... I know I have to eat so having to eat is stressing me out instead of being stressed from eating... Ugh!!!
Will this be the day? on March 14, 2007 7:26 am
Ok, I have been trying so hard to be paitient for so long but now I am tired of it and I am getting snappy. I all but h/u on Cigna yesterday and if they are as rude to me today and they have been before I will definately give them an ear full. Yesterday they were like it take up to 2 FULL business days and that is how she said it raising her voice and emphasising full. I was like lady you have had it since Thursday last week that means you have had over that. They keep saying we just got it called in today but they said that Monday so when they said it yesterday I told her first off they faxed it they don't call it in and you told me yesterday that you had it so why keep saying the same thing? Ughhhhhh!!! All I want is an approval... How hard is that? Today has too be the day.... please oh please.... tomorrow my gramps will be laid to rest. I wish I was there. I am taking tomorrow off to be with my family here. I have alot on my mind with this and the surgery. I am so worried about my grams... so worried she sounded so bad. Yesterday at work my team left a plant on my desk with some beautiful cards. I thought how lucky I am to have such fab people on my side. They have all been so supportive with the whole surgery process and were so wonderfully supportive through this. It really meant alot. I just really need to hear something.
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