Last night I was thinking and reflecting on all of the really sad and horrible things that have happened to me in my life.  I thought about the sexual abuse all the way up to this past year, with the marriage break up, losing my house and recently my dogs.    As always, I was giving myself all of these excuses to indulge in comfort foods.  

I was sad because I had bought some new clothes for my Vegas trip during my lunch break.  (So glad Kohl's is nearby work!)  I didn't have time to try stuff on, so I played it safe and got some 1x tops.  I have not worn or purchased that size in 2 years.  When I got home last night I tried everything on.  Sadly, the 1x's fit...and I wasn't swimming in them!!!    So, I was feeling very sorry for myself.  I was wallowing in self-pity.  My mind was thinking of "poor, poor me....nothing seems to go right for me..."  Then it hit me.  

What?

Nothing ever goes right for me?  Really?  Hmmmmm  Well I suppose you are right, self.  You WERE a victim of a lot of abuse.  You did get blind-sided by the husband.  You were forced to eat all of those chips over the weekend.  Wait..... YOU WERE FORCED TO EAT CHIPS?  You weren't?  Really?  So, if you weren't forced. then you CHOSE to eat those chips.  RIght?  You are CHOOSING to eat poorly and to keep regaining weight.  

Now, self.....why on earth would you want to contribute to your own unhappiness??  Don't you know by now that chips do not make you happy long term?  What makes you happy and confident is being good to yourself and looking good.  Being healthy....conquering food addictions.  THAT makes you feel good!! 

I know that I am not perfect.  I know that I am a carb addict.  I know that I will slip up from time to time.  What I really need to remember is that my weight is the ONE ISSUE that I DO have control of in my life.  I HAVE THE POWER.  I am not a victim.  I choose to not be a victim.  I choose happiness!!

uhhh....as soon as I get back from Vegas, that is!!

Well, I was REALLY down on my band last week.......I guess it would be more correct to say I was down on my own body.  Come on, it shouldn't be THAT FREAKING HARD to lose a couple of pounds!!  Eh....it's my lot in life.   I kind of ate a little bad on Thursday (not HORRIBLE), but bad enough, out of frustration.  Friday morning I got up and was down to 198!  WTF???!!!   I don't get it.    I proceeded to eat bad on Friday, as my employees through a surprise pot luck in honor of Boss's day.  I also ate bad on Saturday and Sunday. Why?  Not sure why.......I just stuffed myself with chips and cookies and other bad things all weekend.  I am of course back up to weighing 201. 

I am flying out to Vegas on Thursday.  I don't plan on dieting while I am there for an entire week.  Nope.  Not going to diet.  My band is keeping my portions low if I stick to real food, so maybe I won't gain a ton of pounds.  When I get back, I am going to do the Couch to 5k plan with my sweetie and concentrate on my portions and what I am eating.  I can get another fill  at the end of November and I want one, but I do need to show SOME weightloss by then.  Plus, with the holidays coming up, I want to avoid continuing to gain any kind of weight. 

Looking forward to spending time with a few OH friends in Vegas!!!  Wooo Hooo!!!

  I am seriously very frustrated with my weight loss journey.  I am usually an optimist, but I am getting close to really going off on someone!!  ha ha

I got my fill on Thursday,  That day I had very little to eat.  I had a Starbucks Viviano, another Starbucks (pumpkin spice) later, some french onion soup and some cream soup later that evening.  The next day I had soups only, coffee and water.  Over the weekend I had coffee, water, grilled chicken and veggies, meatballs, an egg and bacon, fried shrimp, a few chips, chili, a protein shake and some pretzel sticks.  I really didn't eat too much of anything when I did eat.  I can feel a difference with my fill.  It was a long weekend, so I didn't weigh in until Tuesday morning.  I had gained back up to 200 after losing a pound the day of my fill!! 

What makes me so mad, is I really didn't eat much and I did get in some good exercise over the weekend.  My sweetie and I went on a hike and a walk/jog as well.  I should have at LEAST maintained if not lost another pound or so.  So, yesterday I ate pretty good, small amounts and low carb and exercised and I still didn't lose one fricken' pound! 

What this seems to tell me is I don't lose weight unless I just abstain from eating.........PERIOD!!  Is my metabolism THAT screwed up??  GEEZ!!!! 

After 2.75 years of this, I am finally about to give up!!  I am sick of dieting.......I really am.  If I dieted and saw results it would all be worth it.  I am just totally frustrated and disgusted at this point. 

  I am praying that this fill will do it's magic!!!  I know I have to do MY part, but I really need my band to kick in and help me out!! 

Dr. Acosta was as handsome as ever....and of course nice and listened to me.  I weighed in at 201 on their scale, I believe I was at 203 when I saw him in July.  He didn't chastise me or make me feel bad.  He was asking me how much I was able to eat and if I was exercising.  (he asks that every time).  I told him that how hard it was to get in to see him, and that I wished I had a different surgery because of it.  

Dr. Acosta then said that his goal was to get me to good restriction, and if I STILL didn't lose weight we could explore getting the sleeve!  I would LOVE to have the sleeve, but since I have the band I would just LOVE for it to work for me.  

He commented after reading my history again that the only time I really lost weight very fast was when I was experiencing the slip symptoms.  Yep!!  That's true.  Sooooooo, my sincere hope is actually lose weight with the band while being able to keep food down.  We'll see!  I have my fingers crossed and my mind set correctly.  I just need to stay clear from white carbs, period.  For awhile, probably all carbs except a few from green veggies.  

I am on liquids for at least 48 hours, so I don't know how much this fill helped me.  I don't know how much he gave me.....I didn't ask again.  I figured that it's a mind game.  I will never think my fill is good enough unless it's at least a total of 5 CC"s.....and that might not be true.  So, it's better that I don't know.  

I will update once I am able to actually eat!!