melly37

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As I begin yet another week ( promising to behave in my eating) I feel reflective, as I have a lot on my mind. 

I turned 43 years old on Sunday.  In some ways, I have accomplished only a few things that my child self dreamed I would be.  However, in many respects, I have surpassed any expectation I had of myself when I was a very young adult.  By the time I was a young adult, I knew I had a major addiction to foods.  I was a single mother who married an abusive creep. 

That young lady had pretty much given up on having a life she had always wanted.  A life of a thin person, a life of a financially comfortable person, and a life shared with a wonderful, loving man. 

I have been given a wonderful tool....well, actually two tools to help me get to that thin woman I always wanted to be.  I first had the LapBand, that helped me to get down to a size 10.  I also credit this tool for giving me the gumption to make some very positive and emotionally healthier decisions in my life. 

When my band ended up not working in my best interest, by not allowing me to eat healthy foods a good 60-80% of the time, I dreamed of revising to a new tool.  My wish was granted, and my insurance company allowed me to revise to the sleeve.  During my struggles with the band, I had regained, lost and regained some weight.  At the time of my VSG revision, I was back in to size 14's, but had gone back to size 16's and some of those were tight, at one point. 

I have been pretty open and public about my ongoing weight and eating problems, even after getting this wonderful tool in my life.  I have only lost about 20 pounds in the last 7 months.  I still want to lose another 30 pounds.  Every time I take one step forward I end up taking two steps back. 

So, I sit back and reflect.    I have achieved much more than I gave myself credit as having the potential to achieve.  I have a good job. I am not rich,  I still live paycheck to paycheck, mostly.....but I live much nicer than I did in my early 20's.  I have an incredible man in my life, that shows me love, friendship and respect every single day.  My son has grown in to a great young man.   I am thinner than I was for years and years......yet, food still occupies most of my thoughts.  It's time to slay this dragon.

I am going to book an appointment with eating disorder therapist.  I lived through a very abusive father, and went through counseling for all of that.  I KNOW that being a victim of sexual abuse is a great contributing factor to my eating disorder, but I refuse to let him effect this important part of my mental and physical health.  It's time to give my brain the same tools, I gave my body by getting weight loss surgery. 

I will keep everyone posted!

As for the here and now, I have been holding pretty steady at the same weight.  I actually dropped a few pounds after my last period ended on the 12th of November.  BUT, my body gladly added those back on.  Grrrrr.   I was 181 this morning.  I see Dr. Acosta two weeks from this Friday.  I need to see some loss before then, so I am working it hard!!  Good luck to everyone!! 

My, my how time flies!! 

I am still at the same place in my head and almost weight-wise that I was when I last posted.  I am trying to work on my head, so that food is no longer an obsession for me.  I weighed in at 180.6 this morning.  I am in the midst of my period, also, so..... eh, it is what it is. 

I got a book and workbook to help with my head issues.  I really haven't made the time to sit down and work through it all.  I have skimmed through it, and believe it will be helpful.  The author's last name is Beck, and it's concerning cognitive therapy for my food obsessions.  By re-training my brain, I will use my sleeve much more to my advantage. 

I am still struggling with some issues that I am guessing are related to hormones.  I went to see diabetic specialist/enocrinologist.  She has me back to testing my blood sugar two hours after every meal.  (I forget quite often)  She also has asked me to keep a food diary.  I already log my food quite often on MFP, so that hasn't been a problem.  I got back to see her in a few weeks.  She will want to see new blood tests and my meter readings.  She said she will probably put me on meformin.  She feels that I DO have PCOS.  She also thinks my gynecologist is a quack.  ha ha I tend to agree! 

I still feel sluggish, quite often and a bit sad.  I can't determine if the sadness is hormone related, or if I am just disgusted with myself for not doing what it takes to lose the weight.  I passed my 6 month suriversary this week.  No fan fare.  No celebrations.  Just disgusted that I have lost only 20 pounds. 

My boyfriend and I were talking about all of this over the weekend.  He reminded me how I was in pain for several weeks because of the drain, how he worried about me, the costs, the traveling......then he asked me if my revision surgery had been worth it.  Looking at myself through his eyes helped me to put everything in perspective.  From MY point of view, my life was so much better without my band choking me all of the damn time.  From an outsider's point of view, I had gone through a lot of risk, pain and money to revise to a new WLS, and then proceeded to live life like I wasn't trying to be healthy or lose weight. 

I have to say, this made me really think about things and my path.  I am sure there are many psychiatrists that would love to analyze that one.  ha ha  Call it self-sabatoge, call it addictive eating, or just call it happily living life......it all boils down to the fact that I had not been really applying myself to my new tool.  I was pissing away this wonderful opportunity given to me.  No more. 

My bestie had a great idea and I took her up on it.  She knows that I am very concerned with letting my surgeon down.  He has seen me through a slipped band and helped me even get another revision.  He is a great guy, and I want to make him proud.  She sent me a picture of my surgeon, and asked that I put it by my desk as a constant reminder.  I am looking in to his big brown eyes now, as I type.    Uhhhhhh, wait, maybe this wasn't such a great idea, after all!! 

Have a great week and weekend everyone.  One day at a time, right?  Be successful today, and worry about tomorrow, tomorrow!