wishy washy

Apr 23, 2012

I'm an indecisive wishy-washy person. There. I've said it. There's something that keeps echoing in my brain as I read about surgery. Why can't I do this without surgery? Why can't I just pass up that piece of cake, eat smaller portions, do it myself. Why do I have to do something so drastic as have weight loss surgery? A lot of this second guessing myself are echoes of what other people tell me. I don't know the answer to my qualms, I just tell myself over and over the reasons for having surgery. And  the biggest one is that it has become painful to move. I'm so big that my exercise choices are very limited. For instance, I couldn't have the treadmill stress test today because I can't walk very far without my back telling me it's gonna shut down. So I had the medicine test instead. I'm tired of justifying my reasons to everybody over and over again. I'm sick of hearing that I should just go on a diet. But still there's that little nagging doubt in my head saying: why do you need surgery? Are you that weak? I don't know how to dispel these thoughts. Maybe that's why I should see a therapist.

On the positive side I've finished my last pre-op test today. Now all that's left is to get clearance from my psychiatrist. I'm a little nervous about it since I just started seeing him, having just moved back up here from West Virginia. I keep thinking: what if it's postponed again, what if they say I need to go to so many counseling sessions beforehand. I guess I just have to believe that everything has its reasons, and if it is postponed again there will be good ones.

Meanwhile I'm quitting smoking again, which is probably where a lot of these issues are coming from. Things tend to become exaggerated when I don't have cigarettes to deal with things. And what about when I don't have food? I'll surely need someone to talk to about all the emotions that crop up. I think I'll ask for a referral from either my primary care physician or my psychiatrist the next time I see them (which is soon).

1 Comment