Nicole0216
Amazing what 10 years and a Good surgeon can change
Jan 01, 2010
I am huge believer in documenting progress and ones journey. I have been negligent in doing this on this blog and I do apologize. I am honestly, in that area as a post op where I am floundering and trying to figure it all out. I have learned valueable insights and tools along the way, but it is still hard to learn to love yourself on a daily basis so you are willing to commit to the changes needed to take care of yourself. SELF LOVE and ACCEPTANCE are hard won. So many of us just dont believe we deserve to be healthy and happy, and do not love and forgive ourselves. If we truly do not learn why we became obese in the first place, surgery or not we are doomed to repeat our history and gain it back.
I MEAN IT, I am serious about this. NONE of us got to be obese because we did not know what foods to eat or that we needed to excercise. We all know how to walk. It is the internal and emotional fractures that are the key to long lasting success in weight loss. Not food, not excercise, because we will not do those things for ourselves long term if we do not love ourselves enough.
I have decided to document my decade. I wanted to see the trials, triumphs and changes so that I can be real and look back and see how much has and can change in 10 years. What will you do with the next????
July 2000 I married the man I moved to Phily to be with in 1997. Working at MCMC while getting my masters
sept 11 2001 working at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital as a SW intern
May 2002 Graduate with my MSW Start work at UBH
Jan 2003 Things become shaky in my marriage weighing in at 340 unhappy and feeling trapped by my husband who was older and wanting a second chance at having kids. ( I have never wanted and still do not want kids)
November 2003 Started working at Ceridian
Dec 2003 Canceled the surgery I had scheduled for RNY because of the turmoil in my marriage
Dec 23rd 2003 Met Jason by chance
Dec 2003 Christmas Day Packing my things to move out and seperate from my husband.
Jan 1 2004 moved out into my first apartment alone as an adult so painful and so scary
Sept 2004 divorce is final still weighing 340 ish
Have been dating on and off Jason
November 2005 Move to lancaster with Jason ( happy happy happy) now not happy with my weight
May 2006 Begin the WLS process with Dr Brader at Barix 360 highest weight
Finally becoming content and no longer want to be heavy
Sept 2006 Meet the people from barix at Shaunas house, these people are some of my closests friends now
Oct 3 2006 Have my RNY I was prepared to die on the table so glad that did not happen
Jan 2007 First New Years I did not feel I needed to make a resolution so peaceful and happy.
May 2007 Began working at TWP so no longer commuting to Plymouth Meeting
October 2007 Jason and I buy our home
Feb 2008 First cruise ever and swam with the dolphins
May 2008 leave Ponessa this was an abusive situation that I would have endured pre op but not post
May 2008 began working at CBHNP, Teaching at HACC and seeing clients at Life Span
I was at my lowest weight of 179 in May 2008 I remember it distinctly because I won the MOST WEIGHT LOST award for the PA Pilgrimage attendees. I remember something snapping in my head about not deserving the award and my march backwards began.
Nov 2008 Working long hours, commuting again,. not taking care of myself gained 10 lbs
Dec 2009 Had a tummy tuck and breast lift in enormous pain, long recovery and depression set in. My clothes were too tight and I did not fit in any of my pants for 6 mos. staying in a binder for 3 mos. I became very depressed and turned to food again.
May 2009 Just starting to feel normal again. up 15 pounds now instead of 10 starting to feel desperate.
Summer 2009 went ziplining 2 times very exciting something i would never had done.
Family trauma and crisis over the summer, feeling helpless and angry. 5 more lbs
Sept 2009 started my own practice, begining to feel more satisfied, helping others, still not taking as good a care of myself as i can.
November 2009 get the flu, turns into bronchitis, then laryngitis, then strep and pink eye. sick for 1 1/2 mos and gain 5 more lbs.
Dec 2009 I learn about EFT and begin learning this with a lady who is as EFT certified therapist. It is very empowering. Using EFT is helping me reveal the things that are keeping me stuck and moving me backwards. Many of them I thought I had worked through and gotten past but obviously not.
I am harboring guilt for hurting people and self loathing, these 2 things will not let me go, so I can feel good about who I am and then do the things that are loving for myself. They keep me self sabotaging and self defeating.
Pain from my being not treated well and left as a child is still there, whether I like it or not, and until very recently has caused me to allow people to be in my life that dont deserve to be there, because I was afraid to let them go, I dont like " not knowing" what is happening with them. Allowing them to stay whether they deserved it or not and allowing them to be harmful to me just so i dont feel abadoned or left is not working for me. I have let these people go and cut ties. I have learned alot in a short amount of time, and I know that the this will help me and may help my clients.
Dec 2009 Happy with Jason and hoping for a proposal :)
It is hard for me to put all of this out here. I am a psychotherapist that sees clients who are pre and post op WLS patients. I am supposed to have this all figured out. It is hard to not feel like a hypocrit when you are gaining weight all the while trying to help them. But what I have learned is this.
* I do know the tools it takes to be a successful post op. I used those tools and they are what allowed me to lose the 180 lbs I did and to not have more weight gain then I have. I still do not eat sugar or drink sodas and I faitfully take my vitamins etc. I do have tools that can help newer post ops.
* I do know that this is a lifelong journey and like with many things in life sometimes we are on top, sometimes we are not. It is a process and as long as we stay engaged in the game we will learn what we need to do, and it will get easier with time.
* i spent my entire life learning how to be fat and protect myself, it makes sense that when that is taken away that there may be some emotional and psychological resistance. Weight gain is not a failure, it teaches us what we need to work on so we can be successful for a life time. I have learned that I need to remove toxic people. forgive myself and that I am prone to depression when I am sick or ailing and have a tendancy to seek food out and gain weight.
* Even therapists need support and a place to go to be honest about their struggles. we are human and we struggle too. No more worries about that. Does not mean that we cannot help others.
2010 These are my goals.:
* Build my pratice and help more post ops be succesful in conquering their demons so they can be successful.
* Run my group and grow my " post wls tool kit "
* Remember to put my oxygen mask on first so i can help others. This includes eating well and making time for excercise and most of all stress and spriritual excercise.
* Tone down the care taking behaviors a bit. Redirect them to myself.
* Train for an hopefully run a 5k
Finally What kind of person was I 10 years ago?
* fat and miserable
* on 8 different medications, asthma inhalers and CPAP
* married to the wrong person
* too self conscious to be out in public long or in places I was not familiar with. ( did not attend my own masters graduation)
* afraid of everything flying, traveling, tsunamis, lol everything. In the ER thinking I am dying at least 3 times per year.
* Unable to walk to my mail box
* afraid of being alone
Who am i now?
* Social caledar that is out of control
* open and vulnerable
* able to speak in front of large crowds with some ease and humor
* happier
* so un afraid of flying and traveling it amazes even me
* zipliing and swimming with dolphins
* setting limits with family and being ok i am different than them
* allowing someone to love me that is safe
* Teaching and starting my own practice would never have happened
* Tons of friends that are so cool and unique that i love dearly
* not afraid to go to my HS Reunion that HS BS is sooo in the past now.
* Enjoying boxing ...me....boxing so cool
* Not being afraid of social gatherings
* 90% less anxiety in my life
* willing to really tackle the final emotional issues that need to be tackeled even though they are painful so that I can be free to now live and enough my post op life
