Lies Lies Lies Yeah.

Apr 03, 2010

I have been going through quite a few things in the last couple of months. I am dealing with regain. I am trying to figure out what the underlying reasons are for my food use. I am realizing more and more the power of food addiction, and have had a few dissappointments. I have been going back and taking a look at my journey and the things I have said about it along the way. ( This is why I beg people to document your journey you often need to look back for perspective). I have made many statements, very humbly about what would make happy along the way.  " If I could just get below 300 I would be happy:"... " If I could just wear something without special ordering it I would be happy"   " if i could get to 250 I could be happy.  " If I could wear a 16 I would be happy"   " If i could get below 200 then I will be happy"   " If i could just get a tummy tuck I could be good"  you see the trend here.
I am here to say that NONE OF THESE THINGS MADE ME HAPPY!!!!   I would often say " If I did not lose another lb and stayed right here I would be ok with that " Bullshit!  The lower I got the more I wanted. Lies lies. I was telling myself lies.
I achieved all of those things and here I am and guess what? I AM UNHAPPY. Because I Am still thinking, If i could lose the regain i will be happy, If I could get out of plus sizes I would be happy.  What I have had to learn is that I AM NOT HAPPY, and it does not matter what size I wear, what weight I am and if I have a boob lift. Until I learn to be happy with ME. I will not be happy with those things. I cannot be happy until I identify those underlying feelings, emotionns, and old tapes playing in my head that keep me stuck and miserable. Maybe then when I can truly look in the mirror and know I have done all I could for my self that day will I be happy. When I no longer indulge the voices in my head telling me I am worthless, that I will never achieve my dreams , then maybe I will be happy. But I can tell you a clothing size or number on a scale wont do it.

This past week I had a huge dissappointment. It triggered all that self doubt, the awful things I feared were true about me. For several years, I have been working closely with Dr Brader and his office providing therapy to clients who need help post op. and some pre op. we always had an understanding that when they do hire a MH person that I would be at the top of his list, he wanted me to work for him. I found out this week via their website that they have indeed after many years brought a MH person onboard, but guess what it was not me. This person is working on their Doctorate and looks good on paper. No one bothered to call me, email me or let me know. I was crushed. But what I had to realize is that thsi is another one of those times when I have lied to myself and said " If I could just work with Dr Brader at LGH then I would be happy"  I would bet 1,000 dollars that that is not true. So what I have to do now, is let go of that dream, and build a new one. I know there is nothing else I could have done in order to be considered for that job. I know it was not me. My patients are doing very well, and damnit I am a good therapist.
What I will do is stop lying to myself. There is a lesson in everything. I wil build a new dream of my own making without lies, and will be HAPPY when it is achieved.  This has been a rough week, but most personal growth opportunities are rough. I can take it. I am strong. I will do fine.  " now if I could just get back under 200....  LOL

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