So close...

Dec 28, 2013

I had a brief moment where I thought my surgery was going to be delayed again, and I realized then how much it really means to me. The timing is perfect, for one - I have some time off from work and school (granted, not much), I will have enough money to make sure I can get what I need, and I won't have to pay another deductible. That's the practical side of it. The incredibly important part is none of the above though. If I didn't have surgery now, it would mean waiting that much longer for my life to have another start. It would mean going through however long it takes with the same aches, pains, and inability to do the things I want or need to do. It would mean I would have no energy for the thing I need to do, much less for the things I want to do. It would mean putting off the rest of my life, and I am not willing to do that!

Alas, that didn't happen, and here I am, essentially 36 hours from having surgery. And I am terrified. Excited, anxious, hopeful.. but also terrified. What if I'm one of the unlucky ones? What if I die on the table? What if I have complications? What if he gets in there and doesn't think he can do the RNY? We've discussed that possibility, but we both agreed if he can't, he'll do a VSG. What if I can't lose enough weight with a VSG? There are so many what-ifs that I am driving myself crazy. I can't talk to my family about those what-ifs because they are already nervous about this. I don't want them freaking out.

I have been cleaning like crazy. I feel sorta like I am "nesting" - everything has to be clean and put in its place before the big day. This is good because it keeps my mind off of the what-ifs, and the fact that I am now moving into the clear liquids only phase. I haven't been hungry all day until just now. Good tunes, some pleasant conversation, and cleaning. That has been my day.

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