Well....

Apr 10, 2010

These past couple of days have been an emotional rollercoaster... I am overwhelmed with excitement for the surgery, anxious for the day to come, but overwhelmed with everything I feel I need to get done. I have nowhere near enough energy to get everything done before I go Monday morning. I don't want to come home to a messy house and I want to spend some quality time with my sons and husband before I go for surgery. Not that I think that anything is going to happen to me during surgery. I trust my doctor and the hospital staff. I just want to have a nice, relaxed evening spent with my family. Everything I have read about life post-op has indicated that my life is going to change, and I completely believe it. I am just hoping that whomever I become is acceptable to the people who are in my life now. One of my sons told his father that he doesn't want me to change and likes me the way I am. I felt a tinge of guilt for that, but I explained that I am not doing this to be pretty or anything like that, tho being and feeling more attractive is a definate bonus. I am doing this to be healthy. I am tired of being tired and I need to give my body a little relief. On the way home from picking my sons up from school, we were discussing the upcoming event and they asked me if I can die. They are only 10 and I don't want to scare them, but at the same time, I don't want to lie to them either. If, God forbid, something were to happen, I would hate knowing that I lied to them, even if it was to protect them. I explained that there is a chance of fatality or complications with any surgery. I told them that I felt that the risk of the surgery was less than staying as I am. Staying like this will lead to certain death or in the very least, misery. Yes, I am taking a chance with the surgery, but I feel the odds are in my favor and it's a gamble I am more than willing to take. The payout of having a life I am happy to live well out-weighs (pardon the pun) living my life being a miserable, unhappy person who is in constant pain and feels worthless. One of my sons burst into tears at the thought that I might die. I felt horrible. But I have to do this for me. I truly believe he will love the results once I am able to play with them and be more active. I love them very much and look forward to being a real mom. Right now, with the little energy and stamina I have, I feel like they are getting the short end of the stick.
So as Monday comes, I am riddled with conflicting emotions. The excitement tho, overwhelms them all!
For all the people who have had the surgery and have sent me words of encouragement, I thank you. For those of you having your surgery on the same day as I am or afterward, I look forward to walking with you on the jouney to our new lives.
Take care
-CC

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