200.2

Mar 08, 2011

I am .3 pounds away from goal as of this morning... that is soooooo damned daunting!!! ugh. Even made sure to use the bathroom before I weighed in.. lol   I want to be BELOW 200... but let me tell you, when I weighed myself this morning and saw it say 200.2, I was thrilled! Well, as thrilled as anyone could be at 6am before they have their coffee. With luck, I will have reached my goal by tomorrow.
As for my life, it's... well... ok, I guess. Stressed beyond belief. But the way I see it, everyone has problems. It's all in how we handle them. I am doing my best to handle them gracefully... and failing miserably! lol I am so angry all the time these days. And being angry is pissing me off!!!  I should be walking around with a perma-grin on my face! For the first time in my adult life, I am HEALTHY!!! I am eating right. Exercising. Taking my vitamins, getting in my protein and liquids, and losing the weight I need to lose. I have had so many people tell me how good I am doing... so why am I angry instead of doing cartwheels and skipping down the hall? I. Don't. Know.

I see a therapist. He is one of the best therapists I have ever had. My husband is very depressed. He is an emotional void... numb all the time and the only emotion he is able to show is anger. He has pulled away from me emotionally, physically, and mentally. My therapist (have I mentioned he is the best I ever had???) is of a mind that the reason I am so angry and upset is I am "catching" his moods. Like a sickness. He believes that moods are contageous. And my husband's making me "sick". Sigh. I don't know what to do. I have been dealing with my husband's drastic On-again/Off-again depression for close to a decade. It's hard to have him want to be with me one day and ignoring my exisistance the next. Even tho I am aware that it's all part of the depression, it doesn't make it easy to deal with. He doesn't understand that dealing with it day in and day out takes a toll on me. He was on an "up" for almost a year and a half!! It felt great! and shortly after I had my surgery, CRASH! He's been in a depressive funk since. I thought it was because of my weight loss. I hear plenty of people who say their SO freak out when they see them suceed. But in all honesty, he's been supportive! He claims his depression is linked to his back pain and his work. So I have dealt with it as long as he was seeking help. He'd be next to me on the couch, gloomy and depressed. the phone would ring and it would be some girl he knew in highschool and all of a sudden he was smiles and happy. As soon as he hung up, back to being mopey with me. It was depressing. No matter what I did or what I said, he never cheered up. Everyone else he talked to got "Happy Him"... I got nothing but shit. Sigh. Ugh.

Anyway, I will check in again soon.
Much Love!
-CC

2 Comments