Barb H.

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 Here I am at the end of 2011, facing the new year with a new mind set.  My surgery will be in. 26 days.  Yikes!    And  I'm excited for this journey.  I feel like a roller coaster, one hour I'm feeling confident and the next hour I wonder if I'm doing the right surgery.  But I know it's okay.  I know I can make this work. I've done hours of research, I've surrounded myself with positive, supportive people, Castle has a great support system, and I'm committed.  

2012 is going to be a great year!

I made it through.  I knew I would this year because I was able to catch some triggers earlier on, I allowed myself to truly enjoy it.  I'm really working on making myself slow down when I eat and chew very well waiting between bites before.  I've gotten back into my old habit of wofling down my food.  It's really interesting to look at my feelings when I eat.  I seem to be embarassed or feel self-conscious when I eat, even when we are at home.  I think I must disocciate while I eat.  Some of this is from my early childhood, I think.  My granddaddy used to mock me (all of us, really) when I'd eat by making gross smacking movements with his mouth and smirking afterwards.  I suppose he thought it was funny....i just felt humiliated.  And my sister used to yell at me all the time about making noise when I ate.  She even yelled at me once when I made noise while eating potato chips.  I think I remember that one because my mother finally called her off.  When I went to my junior high banquet, I remember feeling so sick to my stomach because I was so afraid I would do something wrong or spill something or make too much noise.  Hmmmm.  It's good to remember these things so I can start to move on. 

I had my ekg and chest xray yesterday.  All good, although I took the scenic route to get to the place I needed to go.  The directions I got from Raveena were uncleat so I ended up going to three offices before I finally got to the right one.  I was laughing about it and fortunately, the right office was cool and very accomodating.  Then I talked with Lori at Castle and scheduled my pre-op (January 19) and surgery date (January 25).  We were in the midst of preparing Hannukah dinner for 15 people, which ended up being 16 so really didn't have to process everything.  Then today, I pulled a box of photos out that I'd just found in the garage while digging through looking for the china and crystal that we had packed away and needed for dinner.  I ran across tons of pictures of my kids and parents and sister.  We went into Waimea and made a stop at Starbucks and when i got back into the car, i put my cup on the dash of the car.  The dash which is very slanted.  Which caused the cup to slip off the dash spilling the entire comtents on me, my purse, the floor and everything else in its path.  And I got so upset!  After holding it together yesterday, I cried over a spilled cup of coffee.  But when I had a moment, I let my feelings come up and remembered that today is the anniversary of my dad's death, and I really was missing my sister, who's death anniversary is coming up.  So feeling sad but okay.  Although the reality of the surgery is still setting in.....

I did the elliptical today for about 15 to 17 minutes today and was so excited!  It is such a cool machine.  My knees got a little tierd but I forgot to put the knee braces on.  I hope I can remember them tomorrow to see how they help.

I have the most amazing wife in the world!  We went into Sports Authority yesterday and I sent her to the other side of the store so I could get something for her for Christmas.  When I was done, I found her over by the exercise equipment.  She knew I was interested in an eliptical so had been looking at them and trying out different ones.  I had no idea she was seriously considering getting one but she did!  It will be delivered tomorrow.  I am very excited!

I got an email from the hospital yesterday saying that the insurance company's medical review board is looking at my case this week and will give their decision by next week.  So I will soon know whether I have to wait several months or if I can do sooner.

Once again, the holidays slipped up on me and I dipped into a deep depression.  About a week ago, I started having a lot of trouble sleeping.  I either had trouble going to sleep and/or was restless all night.  After about 3 days of this, I started to wonder....what the hell is going on?  So I did some soul searching and remembered that this is the anniversary of 2 huge traumas both related to my dad.  From what I've been able to piece together from sketchy memories, when I was pre-school age and he molested me when my mother went Christmas shopping and my sister was in school.  And then he died on December 21 twenty-six years ago.  When I talked to Dr. Pat, she suggested I even mark it on the calendar for next year to remind me of these anniversaries so I can be better prepared.  I think this is a good idea because even though I figured things out a few years ago, it sneaks up on me every single year, kicking my feet out from underneath me.  The benefit of knowing ahead of time is so I can mentally prepare myself, know that I can pull myself out of it by being aware of it, and mainly to take myself out of being a victim.  

Because continuing to be a victim destroys me and I want to really live my life.  For me.