Regrets...

Nov 27, 2011

First, I would like to let folks who have written me over the last week that I was a little too emotionally predisposed to come to OH, let alone respond.  I feel bad, I had one friend who had surgery and did not even get a peep out of me.  I am still a little out of sorts, but  I come to OH to be supportive and be supported.

My grandmother passed away, at the age of 93.  I had just written her, telling her I was looking forward to my upcoming trip -- she lived in San Francisco, only to find she never got my letter.  My grandmother was always a supportive and loving person in my life, offering to get a seamstress for me when I was young and quite chubby.  She never made me feel uncomfortable about my size, and other than my embarrassment over the price of clothing she often offered to buy me, she was a grand woman!  I still chuckle when I think of the Cashmere sweater she wanted to buy me when I was ten years old.  I kept petting the garment, as it was nothing like I had ever encountered -- my mother divorced when I was young, so clothing four children wasn't an easy task.  Well, I looked at the price tag, and immediately started making excuses for not buying me such a luxury.  My mother and I never really discussed the sweater, but I have a feeling my mom knew I was worried over my grandmother's offers to help clothe her overweight granddaughter.

I want to admit to something I feel really upset about.  I was getting excited as Christmas approached, so my grandmother could see how much weight I had lost in the last year.  Not that my grandmother loved me any less because I was fat, I just looked forward to showing her I was healthy and actually getting around better as I am losing weight.  My grandmother never said anything about my weight, as it was a non-issue with her.  I actually tried to explain to her last year about my operation, but she said her hearing wasn't as good as she was used to, and I just let the whole topic go.  My correspondence with my grandmother was my main way to communicate, mostly because of distance, and partly from my own shame.  Yup, I was feeling deep shame that my weight had gotten so completely out of control, I preferred to call or write my grandmother, instead of showing her I was unhealthy and extremely obese.

The very thought that my weight had made me feel the need to hide from someone who had always loved me makes this so hard to write.  My eyes are going to regret this posting, but I know I need to write this.  If this shows at least one person that if you hide because of your weight you are not only hurting yourself, you may be hurting others, then my tears are worth it.  Typically, I am a very open person, and rarely let my size ever keep me from doing anything  in the public eye, but I admit to one fear that I regret with all my being: Hiding away from my grandmother because I felt I was too fat. 

My mother died in 2004, and that was when I was originally going to get my gastric bypass.  Sadly, my mother told me her two regrets: Not seeing my daughter's completed orthodontia - which required surgery, and my finally being a "normal" size - which also required surgery.  My mother NEVER made me feel bad about myself because of my weight, just the opposite.  She told me that I was the "strongest person" she knew, because I "never hid from doing so many public things".  Now, I sadly have two women in my life I cannot share my success with, and I am deeply saddened by this.

I tell people all the time, "Lose weight for YOU!"  Okay, I wish I had lost my weight before two important women in my life passed, just to say, "See, I am going to be just fine!  I am healthy!"  Longevity runs on both sides of my family, and sadly obesity walks alongside it.  So I did not want my family worrying I was shortening my life, but instead being that healthy and active girl they saw grow up.  I am in the process of increasing my lifespan, mainly because I want to see how this whole thing ends.  I planned at a very young age that I want to live to at least 96 years old, so I swim everyday and work on a healthy lifestyle.  When my daughter has children of her own, I want to be know for my deeds as a grandmother, not for my size.  "Great Grandma Hazel was so fat, she had to loop her underpants around one foot, and lasso the other to get them on!"  This was one of those stories I grew up with, and I don't want folks comparing me to my Great Aunt Maura, "who was as wide as she was tall"...  Become as healthy as you can be, and if you are shamed by your size, just remember, we only have a short time here, make the most of it!

Anyhow, I feel a little better, and hope this will make others consider their behavior.  If you are considering why you want surgery, I sure hope your first answer is to be healthy.  My second reason for surgery was I wanted to live a long time with the people I love, and I just didn't want to waste precious moments sitting on the couch.  Having special people in our lives is never a guaranty, but it sure makes life a whole lot easier to live!  Be strong for those who love you!

Brenda : )~

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