Day 16- Missing Junk Food

Aug 12, 2011

So I know I said that I was going to "suck it up" and stop thinking about failing, but so many things about today made me rethink and over think it all again.  This was basically my first "busy" day back at work where I had several meetings around the city and had to get back to the office to do a report.  Before I left for work I made my usual protein shake and jazzed it up with some English Toffee sugar free syrup (yummy!).  This was at about 11 am.  By 2:00 I was STARVING and ate a Chobani Champions Greek Yogurt and a hardboiled egg.  By 4:00 I passed a Burger King and without even realizing it, thought to myself "I should stop and grab a little snack off the dollar menu".  What the hell was I thinking?  I'm not sure I was even hungry, I just wanted Burger King.  And as soon as it dawned on me what I did I felt this incredible sense of loss.  According to the "old timers" if I want to make this work I need to stay away from Burger King.  With the BK habit I had, that's like losing a family member!

Soon after, I experienced another major hunger pain and tried to quelch it with a sugar free pudding mixed with a tablespoon of protein powder.  As much as I like pudding it was just so unsatisfying.  And of course, an hour later I was literally starving again.  I stopped at Menards to pick up some things from their "Crazy Days" sale and as I was leaving "BOOM" it hit me again.  I was starving.  As I looked over the candy aisle they conveniently place by the check outs I wanted to cry.  No more Everlasting Gobstoppers for me.  No more Milk Duds.  No more Mike & Ikes.  No more carmels, chocolate covered peanuts or bridge mix.  No more candy bars.  I'm not sure if I should feel guilty or not but I bought a beef stick and ate half of it on the way home.  I chewed slowly and thoroughly but it didn't really help my craving.  

When I got home and finally sat down for the first time today and realized it's the weekend my mind immediately went to my old friends "Chips and Dip"...along with my hubby, they are usually my Friday night dates.  But not tonight.  Tonight I'm stuck with egg salad.  And even after half a beef stick I was still hungry and wanted it.  Actually, I'm not even sure I was hungry.  I just wanted it.  I wanted food.  I wanted something soothing and yummy and comforting.  My usual food.  And I kind of feel like I failed already.  Instead of confronting my feelings head on, I stepped on the top of that slippery slope and did the next possible thing by eating when I wasn't even really hungry.  I just felt a little out of control.  So why the heck would I do this to myself??? And even then, why does my stomach "need" so much food so early on? 

There were just so many reminders of the things I love about food and the things I loved about my old life today.  The fact that my scale is in the closet and I don't feel like I'm losing anything isn't helping.  I just feel a little out of control these days and for a control freak like me...that isn't easy.  

So that's my day.  I miss junk food.  And I fear failure.  And although I said I was "over this", I guess I'm really not.  :(

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