One Month

Aug 28, 2011

Here it is...I finally hit one month.  I celebrated my one month "surgiversary" by camping with my brother, sister in law and parents (hubby stayed home for grad school orientation...grrr).  The weekend was fantastic.  I did things I have never done or haven't done in ages.  Shot my dad's 22 rifle and pistol.  Butchered 75 chickens (not as bad as you'd think).  Hiked a little at a state park.  Sat by the fire and just relaxed.  It was fabulous.  I really didn't want to come home. 

Eating/food was not as good as I'd hoped.  It is so hard to track what you are eating when you are in a place with no time.  A free flowing weekend doesn't really have time restrictions.  You just eat when you feel like it and go with the flow.  For me, that didn't work so well.  I had prepacked a whole bunch of healthier foods I could eat.  Chicken salad, egg salad, cheese, salmon, lunch meat, soy milk, protein powder, my vitamins, etc...  If I were to have been graded on how my actual meal planning and eating went, I'd give myself a D.  I didn't track anything- it was just too difficult (writing the word "difficult" I now seem a little silly...I could have at least guessed, right?).  I didn't eat at regular intervals.  I only took half my vitamins.  I dind't make one protein shake.  I grazed a lot.  Mostly on healthy stuff like my cheese.  But I still should have eaten meals, not grazing.  I ate some pot roast and it got lodged in my opening so tight that it was stuck there for about an hour.  Guess my body isn't ready for that.  Need to get myself some of those papaya enzymes people talk about. 

What I feel most guilty about is that after resisting every chip, cracker, donut, coffee drink, candy bar and smore out there, I ate a cookie today.  And then another.  And another.  And another.  I had 4 coconut shortbread cookies.  FOUR of them.  Seriously...what the fuck was I thinking?  This is the first really bad thing I have done since surgery and I'm feeling so guilty about it.  If I had stopped at one, I might not feel so bad.  But I ate the last four.  And who knows if I would have kept on going if there were more left.  This just highlights the fact that I have a major problem with food and surgery alone isn't going to cure it.  I'm so afraid that this slip up is an indication of how my future is going to be.  Will I keep slipping up?  Will I not lose as well as others?  Will I fail?  Fail, fail, fail.  I can't get it out of my head.  

At one month, I know that I should be reflecting on the positive changes that have taken place over the last month, but I just can't seem to do it.  I'm just not there tonight.  Maybe tomorrow.  Tonight I'm still thinking about how I can make myself more successful on these sort of out of town trips in the future...

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