Sirene

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

I did it.

I filed for divorce from my gym....

I was very surprised how upset I was about it actually. I have been stressing over the decision for a couple fo weeks now, and the thought of starting at a new gym is exciting in one way....you know that first date kinda feeling.....but on the other hand its actually kind of terrifying.

I went this morning to check out the new gym and there were a lot of people there! Like...a lot!!! I almost chickened out completely!! And its in the lower floor of a mall so there are people walking through the mall and you can kind of see into the cardio area a bit. That is a bit scary too.

I felt a bit better after talking to the cute little girl at the desk; she was very nice. And people were coming in as I was asking her questions and there was a very large woman with her workout gear on and her gym bag and I thought....Yes!!! Fat people come here too!! Awesome!!

I was getting very comfortable with the gym at the YMCA. Other than the cost, I have no issue with the gym. I would have liked the trainers to be a bit more knowledgeable...and tactful...but other than that, I had no issues. There were "PEOPLE" I had issues with but I think that will always be the case...or maybe its just me?

-Like the woman who farmer blew her nose in the shower. *gag*
-or like the woman who scrapes her feet after her shower and makes a little pile of skin dust on the floor in the change area for everyone else to either walk through (in bare feet) or walk around...again...*gag*
-used kleenex wadded up and shoved into the space between the wall and the stall in the curtained change stall
-some sort of bodily fluid wiped on the wall in the same change stall
-or the woman who is ALWAYS in a rush and trying to use whatever you are using; hair dryer, mirror, counter space....to get ready.....then stands there sighing and shaking her head. You know honey, if you are in a rush every single day, maybe you should leave 10 minutes earlier??
-or the lady who brings her breakfast into the change room, takes up the entire counter to mix herself a breakfast shake, has a half peeled banana sitting there and some toast right beside her skinny sugar free latte....she never works out either...just comes into the change room and has breakfast!

Maybe its just me, but these people annoy me. But I dont think that's gym specific. I think its just people in general.

So I left my very safe routine....I have obsessive complusive tendencies so this was a very safe place for me. I would swipe my pass every day, greet Kevin behind the desk every day, walk to my locker every day, hang up my purse and grab my water bottle, workout gloves and shoes every day, walk to the change room at the back to leave my backpack with my work clothes in it in another locker, go to the washroom, fill up my water bottle, and head to the cardio machines. If that routine was disrupted in any way....I would instantly get annoyed. or if I was delayed and it was after 7:15 by the time I got to my locker...thats it...I was all off kilter and my workout was now "rushed". On many occasions, this was enough to make me quit my workout altogether and just go shower and head to work. That old.."Well my day is ruined now!!" attitude....when really...it was just an excuse not to do my workout.

This part always frustrated me. I could talk myself out of doing a workout so easily, but yet, when I *did* do it, I felt so awesome!!! I dont understand why it was so hard to get myself started??

So anyways....having a bit of anxiety about starting at the new place. I have a tour on Saturday so I will hopefully feel more comfortable after that. Monday morning though, bright and early....I'm there.

I'll let ya know how that goes ;)

How often are we really truly honest with ourselves?
I weighed myself this morning at the gym….the same.

I would like to say to myself…ok you have 4 days to weigh in so lets get in the gym and make every second count!! But the reality is that I actually say to myself, “You suck”

We had a support group meeting yesterday and a psychologist gave a very basic presentation on emotional issues that could potentially be applied to Obesity. Positive self talk was one of the things she talked about.

So rather than saying to myself, “You suck” and feeling guilty, hopeless and once again, like a failure, I am going to try to turn that around and make a positive statement of it.

BUT….in order to do that, I need to be completely honest with myself.

(ahh…see now it all comes together. It wasn’t just a string of random sentences from my Alice in Wonderland brain that had no connection to one another whatsoever!!)

So…if I am to be honest with myself…I need to ask myself some questions:
Am I doing everything I need to do to lose weight?
Do I weight and measure out my food?
Do I track every bite in my food journal?
Do I put 100% effort into my workout?

Am I doing everything I need to do to lose weight?
Well no. I used to walk on my lunch hours, and now I sit in Tim Horton’s with my friends. “It’s cold outside” has been my excuse. I imagine I will be soon be able to use “Its too hot outside” too

Do I weigh and measure out my food?
No. I used to. And I used to lose weight. I have a scale and measuring cups and spoons. Why don’t I do this anymore??

Do I track every bite in my food journal?
No. Again, I used to. And I used to lose weight. My goal for this week was to track everything and I lasted about a day.

Do I put 100% effort into my workout?
No. Soo many reasons but none of them really worthy…..all excuses 

So if I know what I need to do to lose weight, and have done it in the past, why is it so hard to continue doing it?

I haven’t gained any weight…but I am not losing. I probably wont lose anymore either if I don’t go back to the beginning and start weighing, measuring, tracking and putting the effort in. One of the best sayings htat I learned from my WW meetings is this: If you ‘kinda’ do it, it kinda works. If you “really” do it, it really works.

I think I am just at that point where you start the whining and the “poor me”s….. Its not fair. Why do *I* have to work so hard and others don’t? What did I do to deserve this? Etc etc…all those thoughts running through my head.

I really wish the psychologist had come prepared to talk about these kinds of issues rather than laying the basic groundwork for a psych 101 class that probably most of us have already been to or at least touched on through our weight loss journeys. I guess I would rather hear from people who have lived through it and have concrete tips instead of the trite and kitchy phrases she possibly gleaned from the movie the Love Guru :)

*deep breath*
Ok… My rant is done.

Kudos to me today because:1- I did my workout today. I did a chest workout and then 20 minutes on the stationary bike. AND…2- I haven’t had a coffee yet today!!!!  

For the first time in at least 2 weeks, I feel like I have regained some sense of control over my life. I am not really sure (yet) what did it though.
Ever since the kids were off on March Break 2 weeks ago, my life seems to have been hectic and out of control and I just had an overwhelming feeling that I was being swept up by events and all my carefully laid plans were being washed away.

Today though, I feel great! I went to the gym, I did my workout and managed to keep my heart rate at over 150 for a full 30 minutes, I have an awesome lunch packed, and I don't feel like I need to take a nap.....I dont feel like I want to hide away somewhere and cry.....I dont feel like I want to just up and leave my entire life behind and escape. Things seem good today.

Maybe I am bi-polar? ;)

I did get my first B-12 shot last night though. My Honey seems to think this is the cause of it. The doc told me that I should feel "better" right away.
Well....when you are overweight and sore and bloated and icky feeling everyday, what exactly does "better" mean?
Do I feel like I could up and run a marathon?? Oh HELL no! But I do feel like I have energy to face the day and THAT...makes a big difference.

Even when faced with the fact that I didn't lose anything last night at my weigh-in....I still feel great :) I didn't gain though, so thats good too!!

Even when my father tried to get on my case about surgery and why would I want to do it when obviously Weight Watchers is working (I have lost 17 lbs in 10 weeks) I just have to keep at it....no surgery necessary.... I was able to just nod and say, "We'll see".....but as my kids know quite well..."we'll see" actually means "I am done talking about this now and I dont want to hear anymore about it because my decision is already made"

Have a great weekend to everyone!! Get out an enjoy the outdoors if you can!! I am taking my bicycle out this weekend!!

Feeling a little blah and out of control today. I think its because I had such a busy weekend…..again.

Saturday morning, woke up to a completely flooded and washed out road on one side. We had groceries and such to do so we figured we’d better get on it right away in case the other side flooded as well and we would be stuck for a few days. Our well is completely submerged in the river and we cant drink the water so we had to get water too.

Normally, groceries would only take an hour or so but because we had to drive the long way around, it took us about 3 times as long to do all we had to do. The weather was beautiful and I ended up spending it driving around Hell’s Half Acre.

When we got back home, we put the stuff away and decided to take a walk down to the flood site to check it out. We took the dog since there were no cars on the road!! We walked down and a few people had decided to drive over to check it out too. The water was laying in fields as far as we could see. It was like standing on an island in the middle of a giant lake….which was pretty much effectively what it was!! You could take a boat from the river, through what would normally be the field behind out house, and go right over to the next concession. The fields for about 30kms both ways were entirely underwater. And the road through, was making a waterfall right in the middle of the lake! It was quite lovely actually

We stayed there for a bit and chatted with the people coming by. A big truck tried to go through the water and we all stayed to watch….look at me all redneck and stuff! The truck made it but not without consequence. It chugged and sputtered on the other side and there was definitely water in his motor. Steam was coming out from his engine and from underneath so, I don’t think it did his truck any good, that’s for sure.

We walked home and decided to go check out the side roads, but we took our bikes out of the garage. They had pretty low tires, but we took them out anyways. We went down about 1km before we couldn’t go any further. The river swelled across the road and through the fields. Something jumped in the water beside me, which I think may have been a muskrat, so I bee-lined it back home! By this time I realized that I hadn’t eaten anything yet!! No wonder I was starving!! We BBQ for the first time and it was So yummy!!!! Steak, asparagus and baked potatoes. (I tried Greek yogurt instead of sour cream but found it too sweet. Yuck)

So other than that hour or so I spent outside, the rest of the weekend was spent indoors

Sunday morning, I got a panicked phone call from my Honey’s sister….who should have been on her way to Montreal to pick up the boys from the train station, but her car broke down. So I jumped out of bed, hair all crazy, dressed and headed off to Montreal. No shower, no breakfast, no coffee.

To Montreal, to Morrisburg to drop my nephew off, back home…..then had to get to Ottawa in time for hair and makeup for a fashion show….then to my brother’s for his daughter’s birthday…..then back to Ottawa for the Fashion Show itself.

And still….I hadn’t eaten yet. I ate for the first time at about 8:30pm last night :(

2 days so busy that I didn’t eat all day….which also means I didn’t drink anything all day. No, I had a coffee on the way to Montreal….but that’s it. No water…

*sigh* So much for my big plan to take some time on the weekend plan and prepare for the week ahead. Tonight, Kira has Brownies so while she is there, I think I will go find a quiet corner and do just that. I feel so out of it today, I think getting some things back into some sense of order is just the cure!! I can’t go another week like the last one. Its too bad of a habit to get into…too easy to start the “grab and go” at the drive through or grab a burger on the way…..I do NOT want to get back into that habit. I really have to nip this in the bud because as summer approaches it is only going to get worse.

So I saw my family doctor last night as a follow up to some blood work. I have extraordinarily low levels of B12 and I am anemic.

Blah!!

I was anemic when I was pregnant the last time (8 years ago!) but after that I don’t know. I know I have had bloodwork done since then but, did they check for iron and B12? Does this mean I have been anemic for 8 years and didn’t even know it? And BIGGEST question now, will this affect getting surgery??? Will I have to wait longer until it’s balanced out or under control or is this something I will have to deal with forever? Am I stuck now eating liver everyday of my entire life? *shudder* I even LIKE liver…but every day?

I haven’t had much time yet to look into everything, but I guess I will be researching B12 foods, iron and other stuff. It just seems so complicated! Take iron at this time of day with this type of food and this vitamin has to be taken 1 hour before or 2 hours after eating and this one can’t be taken within so many hours of taking this one….my head feels like its going to explode! I feel like I should go back to school and take a nutrition course just to be able to function.

On the bonus side, I lost a half a pound last night and my Honey promised that he would help me sit down and plan out menus and meals for the next 2 weeks.

I need a drink. Is there B12 in wine? How about iron??

How did we get to Thursday already???
I feel like I just had my last weigh-in yesterday!! I feel like I havent even prepared for this week yet and here it is, already over!!
It has been a very busy March Break week here; one child off to New Brunswick to visit family; one child back to North Bay as his break was LAST week; one child in Toronto for fashiony type stuff, again; and one child in daycamp going tubing when there is virtually no snow! I dropped her off at camp this morning and she was off chatting to the staff worker...totally oblivious to the fact that my heart was breaking. She just looked at me and waved as if to say....uhh...what?? Go already!
*sniff*

Its funny how my 2 youngest ones are the most outgoing. Jeremy is in Toronto, with 4 auditions in 2 days, plus he could have stayed Saturday to shoot a video and done another audition....all for Toronto Fashion Week. He is working on Sunday for a design house here in Ottawa for Ottawa Fashion Week and was just asked to do a TV slot to model swimsuits. He has to go back to Toronto next week and hopefully the Footlocker ads will come out soon. Also, then I have to start preparing for the Gala in May. He needs a new suit and I need to find a dress!!

I am supposed to be going shopping in the US in April where I was going to look for a dress, but I need my passport. To get my passport, I had to get my new driver's license first, which had expired on my birthday and I completely forgot! So did my health card, which I had to get renewed as well in order to do pre-surgery blood work!

Did you ever see the Sesame Street skit where Ernie puts the sugar into the cookie jar? He took the sugar out and put it in something else, and had to take that out first and put it in something else, etc etc. Sometimes, my life feels like Ernie's sugar bowl. In order to do this, I have do get this done first...and in order to do that, I will have to make sure this is done first....my life sometimes feels like I am a full time runner-arounder!!

My job gets in the way of all the stuff I have to do!! I envy stay-at-home moms for that sometimes. Although, if I had a job where I was actually important enough for people to expect me to DO anything...I would be in trouble! :)

So, needless to say, I really don't feel prepared for this week's weigh in. I know I say that every week but its really really true this time!

if I review my week....I cant even remember when the last time I tracked my food.....so I have no idea if I met my daily goals or not. I made cookies on the weekend and although usually oatmeal raisin cookies don't really tempt me, as they are really not may favourite, this week, they were just singing to me from that container on the counter!  But I guess other than that, and maybe yesterday's all-snack-on-the-go-instead-of-even-one-decent-meal day....I guess I did alright.

I think it was the banana bread. My Honey makes my lunch usually and he felt bad because I had no more low fat muffins so he gave me banana bread.
I know I should have looked at it and said...oh no I cant eat that as it has too much fat and too much sugar in it...
But did I???

NO!!

Right after the gym, I find it VERY hard to avoid carbs! If they are there, I am eating them!!

And water....I dont think I drank all my water ANY day over the past week.

So...lessons learned??

Take some time on Saturday and PLAN!!!! PLAN meals and snacks for the week. I already do it for suppertime meals so I need to make sure I do it for lunch and snacks too. Life is bound to get hectic every once in a while....having 5 kids tends to make mine get that way more often than not, so I should be prepared by now!! lol

Real life got int he way of my perceived success this week. Whether it will show on the scale or not is another story, but I think even if it does show a loss....I think I still learned that I cannot let LIFE get in the way or be an excuse to make poor choices. A rice crispy square for supper is NOT appropriate!! Even if it *was* paired with a sugar-free skinny latte!!!

Wish me luck!!

OK… I go to the gym nearly every weekday. If I am going to be honest with myself, I think I go more for the routine of it than really the workout part. Somedays I get a really good workout in, other days not so much. And even the days when I do get my full workout in, I feel like maybe I might just be settling for a good sweat and not necessarily pushing myself out of my comfort zone or pushing any boundaries. I get my heart rate up to about 172, and not much higher because I feel like I am gonna puke and that is the last thing I want to do at the gym. I am embarrassed enough as it is!! I am too shy to do much weightlifting and I cannot use the trainers there…..already had a very bad incident with one of them and I do not want a repeat of that traumatizing event.  

My Honey doesn’t understand at all. Firstly because even though he is just as, if not more, obese than I am, he doesn’t go to the gym, and second because he doesn’t care what other people think. He says that and I just find it so hard to believe. How can you not care of people are looking at you like…”What does SHE think she is doing here??” Or maybe they look at me and think…wow…I better work harder if I don’t wanna look like THAT! Might be nice to think I give people motivation :)  

So I go to the YMCA, which in the past was great because the kids were involved in a few activities and they took classes and I had a family pass …..but now, none of them take any classes and I am still paying roughly the same. It’s $109 a month and I just looked into the GoodLife centres and its $17 bi-weekly!!! WHAT???  

It’s the idea of switching gyms though. I am just starting to get to a point where I don’t think the people look at me too much anymore because I am there everyday. I have my favourite shower to use….I have my locker and have my favourite elliptical and my favourite treadmill in the back….I have a very set routine! I am stressed out about this….but know it’s probably for the better. It’s an even more convenient location, cheaper and has the same if not better facilities than the Y. They have a pool….not that I would be caught dead in a pool at this point….  

It is seriously giving me anxiety. I have signed up for 3 free visit thing though. Now, I just have to go in. Ugh…I feel like I want to vomit just thinking about it!  

I think it will take me a few weeks to work up the courage to go….so this is me, just trying to talk myself into it!  

Ugh....weigh in tonight

I think this is the first one where I think for sure I have actually gained this week. Its TOM and I havent made it to the gym since last Wednesday!!
Thursday the kids missed the bus so I had to drive back home to bring them to school, Friday I had my info session and this week have been plagued with migraines every day. Not that I am making excuses...

but, thats the reality. No gym + TOM + low water intake=weight gain.

I will likely lose it next week but still. I hate paying to go and then stepping on the scale only to find I have gained! I can gain weight all by myself at home! And its free!!

Sometimes I wonder if it will still be like this after surgery. I have to work so bloody hard at losing now-my Honey says I am obsessed...... but sometimes I think I am going to be that one in a million person that this surgery just wont work for. I try to push those negative thoughts away and out of my head but even Dr D said that when I was on Optifast, my weight loss was on the low end of expectations. I went to the gym every day back then too....I had to or I just didnt lose! Can you imagine NOT losing weight on 900 calories a day???
Ya well....that's me :(

Dr D blames the PCOS and genetics....
but those will still exist after surgery too...

Anyways, I suppose I am just having a low confidence day :)

Maybe it's just the weather.

I am feeling very headachey the past few days. I didn’t make it to the gym yesterday or today actually because of it. I have been able to keep the worst of it at bay with a combo of steam and advil…..but I can still feel the blinding pain just behind my eye waiting to pounce and attack full force at any moment.   Maybe I am coming down with something. My head feels a bit congested when I wake up in the morning and I have been sneezing a bit lately. Actually, I sneezed while I was driving Kira to Brownies last night and “POW!!”….it felt like a balloon popped in my abdominal area. It didn’t hurt afterwards like I was expecting….but I can feel it….just feels a bit odd. I think I am just swollen and icky feeling all over and need a nap and some chocolate.   So the whole cutting back on caffeine didn’t go so well last week. I gave up about Wednesday after nearly killing my poor coworker…so I attempted to try again this week and when I was at the coffee shop yesterday morning….I fully intended to ask for decaf but….it was one of my favourite flavours and I couldn’t resist!   Today though, luckily it was Belgian Chocolate and even though I love chocolate, I am not a fan of the chocolate flavoured coffee. It just tastes bitter to me. So I opted for a roiboos tea instead. I had bought some vanilla roiboos tea last night while I was waiting for Kira and I liked it so I figured the caramel roiboos was a good choice…and it was!! Yum!! I am digging it!   Yay me!   What I don’t understand though is….which tea is caffeine free? Why does black tea and green tea have caffeine but red tea doesn’t? Does white tea? I am not a fan of the fruity flavours and I only like chai when I am in the mood for it.   So I only had one coffee today. I had one on the way in this morning and since then its been caffeine free all day. I am pretty proud of that!!   That was the last thing on my list of things to tackle, other than the vitamin bit. I think I will have to wait for my blood work to come back to address that one completely but I *did* get some Vitamin D, as was suggested in our info session last week. She said we should all be taking 1000 IU of D3….so that’s exactly what I got. I got a combo that has Calcium in it too since I don’t drink milk.   She showed us a list of when we have to take our daily vitamins and in what order and not to mix this one with that one….but I didn’t catch it all. I will have to bring that up with the nutritionist when I see her…lord knows when. I know there is a way you have to do it but I figure if I can at least get myself into the habit of taking a pill everyday now…then it will be that much easier later because before this, I didn’t take anything. No vitamins, no meds, nada. The occasional advil….which I will have to switch to Tylenol….and that’s it.   So…2 more things to scratch off my list!!

I really enjoyed the info session today. There was not a lot of information that I hadn't at least already heard (mostly from this site) or from WLS veterans....but I still think they did a really good job of delivering the information. I was able to clarify one question about BMI too. If I lose enough weight to get below the 40 BMI limit (without comorbidities) then I wont be disqualified.....they said they werent going to punish me for losing weight....LOL! Also, the little video on what exactly happens to your insides was very enlightening. The pictures didnt quite make sense before but now I totally understand.

She told us to start doing a lot of things before hand as uch as we could like starting a healthy eating program, quit smoking, cut back on caffeine, start an exercise program, and start vitamins. I am doing pretty good!! I bought vitamins today on the way to work and am working ont he caffeine bit...slowly...lol (Buy one get one free at Pharma Plus btw)

Yay! I am so pumped!!!

One thing they said was not to expect a date with the APN (what does the "A" stand for again??) or Doctor for another 4-6 months....that puts wait times at approximately 18 months total....on average! OUCH!!

However....I have my appointment already! I think maybe for all the crap in my life maybe the Gods are finally looking out for me?  I had this appointment booked a while back. I go in on April 11!! Dr Dent already said he would bump me up since I have already done the behaviourist stuff when I did the Optifast and dont need a sleep apnea test and so I will need the Nutritionist appintment and thats pretty much it! I have already started an eating program and already do an exercise program so he said I was well ahead.

Now....thats all fine and dandy to say....and get my hopes up and all...but whether its true or not is another story.

I choose to believe its true at this particular moment so as not to induce chunks into my spiritual creaminess today. Its been a shitty week and I am happy today....so nobody is going to take that away from me!! :)

Hooray for the WEEKEND!!!!