I did it.

I filed for divorce from my gym....

I was very surprised how upset I was about it actually. I have been stressing over the decision for a couple fo weeks now, and the thought of starting at a new gym is exciting in one way....you know that first date kinda feeling.....but on the other hand its actually kind of terrifying.

I went this morning to check out the new gym and there were a lot of people there! Like...a lot!!! I almost chickened out completely!! And its in the lower floor of a mall so there are people walking through the mall and you can kind of see into the cardio area a bit. That is a bit scary too.

I felt a bit better after talking to the cute little girl at the desk; she was very nice. And people were coming in as I was asking her questions and there was a very large woman with her workout gear on and her gym bag and I thought....Yes!!! Fat people come here too!! Awesome!!

I was getting very comfortable with the gym at the YMCA. Other than the cost, I have no issue with the gym. I would have liked the trainers to be a bit more knowledgeable...and tactful...but other than that, I had no issues. There were "PEOPLE" I had issues with but I think that will always be the case...or maybe its just me?

-Like the woman who farmer blew her nose in the shower. *gag*
-or like the woman who scrapes her feet after her shower and makes a little pile of skin dust on the floor in the change area for everyone else to either walk through (in bare feet) or walk around...again...*gag*
-used kleenex wadded up and shoved into the space between the wall and the stall in the curtained change stall
-some sort of bodily fluid wiped on the wall in the same change stall
-or the woman who is ALWAYS in a rush and trying to use whatever you are using; hair dryer, mirror, counter space....to get ready.....then stands there sighing and shaking her head. You know honey, if you are in a rush every single day, maybe you should leave 10 minutes earlier??
-or the lady who brings her breakfast into the change room, takes up the entire counter to mix herself a breakfast shake, has a half peeled banana sitting there and some toast right beside her skinny sugar free latte....she never works out either...just comes into the change room and has breakfast!

Maybe its just me, but these people annoy me. But I dont think that's gym specific. I think its just people in general.

So I left my very safe routine....I have obsessive complusive tendencies so this was a very safe place for me. I would swipe my pass every day, greet Kevin behind the desk every day, walk to my locker every day, hang up my purse and grab my water bottle, workout gloves and shoes every day, walk to the change room at the back to leave my backpack with my work clothes in it in another locker, go to the washroom, fill up my water bottle, and head to the cardio machines. If that routine was disrupted in any way....I would instantly get annoyed. or if I was delayed and it was after 7:15 by the time I got to my locker...thats it...I was all off kilter and my workout was now "rushed". On many occasions, this was enough to make me quit my workout altogether and just go shower and head to work. That old.."Well my day is ruined now!!" attitude....when really...it was just an excuse not to do my workout.

This part always frustrated me. I could talk myself out of doing a workout so easily, but yet, when I *did* do it, I felt so awesome!!! I dont understand why it was so hard to get myself started??

So anyways....having a bit of anxiety about starting at the new place. I have a tour on Saturday so I will hopefully feel more comfortable after that. Monday morning though, bright and early....I'm there.

I'll let ya know how that goes ;)

How often are we really truly honest with ourselves?
I weighed myself this morning at the gym….the same.

I would like to say to myself…ok you have 4 days to weigh in so lets get in the gym and make every second count!! But the reality is that I actually say to myself, “You suck”

We had a support group meeting yesterday and a psychologist gave a very basic presentation on emotional issues that could potentially be applied to Obesity. Positive self talk was one of the things she talked about.

So rather than saying to myself, “You suck” and feeling guilty, hopeless and once again, like a failure, I am going to try to turn that around and make a positive statement of it.

BUT….in order to do that, I need to be completely honest with myself.

(ahh…see now it all comes together. It wasn’t just a string of random sentences from my Alice in Wonderland brain that had no connection to one another whatsoever!!)

So…if I am to be honest with myself…I need to ask myself some questions:
Am I doing everything I need to do to lose weight?
Do I weight and measure out my food?
Do I track every bite in my food journal?
Do I put 100% effort into my workout?

Am I doing everything I need to do to lose weight?
Well no. I used to walk on my lunch hours, and now I sit in Tim Horton’s with my friends. “It’s cold outside” has been my excuse. I imagine I will be soon be able to use “Its too hot outside” too

Do I weigh and measure out my food?
No. I used to. And I used to lose weight. I have a scale and measuring cups and spoons. Why don’t I do this anymore??

Do I track every bite in my food journal?
No. Again, I used to. And I used to lose weight. My goal for this week was to track everything and I lasted about a day.

Do I put 100% effort into my workout?
No. Soo many reasons but none of them really worthy…..all excuses 

So if I know what I need to do to lose weight, and have done it in the past, why is it so hard to continue doing it?

I haven’t gained any weight…but I am not losing. I probably wont lose anymore either if I don’t go back to the beginning and start weighing, measuring, tracking and putting the effort in. One of the best sayings htat I learned from my WW meetings is this: If you ‘kinda’ do it, it kinda works. If you “really” do it, it really works.

I think I am just at that point where you start the whining and the “poor me”s….. Its not fair. Why do *I* have to work so hard and others don’t? What did I do to deserve this? Etc etc…all those thoughts running through my head.

I really wish the psychologist had come prepared to talk about these kinds of issues rather than laying the basic groundwork for a psych 101 class that probably most of us have already been to or at least touched on through our weight loss journeys. I guess I would rather hear from people who have lived through it and have concrete tips instead of the trite and kitchy phrases she possibly gleaned from the movie the Love Guru :)

*deep breath*
Ok… My rant is done.

Kudos to me today because:1- I did my workout today. I did a chest workout and then 20 minutes on the stationary bike. AND…2- I haven’t had a coffee yet today!!!!  

For the first time in at least 2 weeks, I feel like I have regained some sense of control over my life. I am not really sure (yet) what did it though.
Ever since the kids were off on March Break 2 weeks ago, my life seems to have been hectic and out of control and I just had an overwhelming feeling that I was being swept up by events and all my carefully laid plans were being washed away.

Today though, I feel great! I went to the gym, I did my workout and managed to keep my heart rate at over 150 for a full 30 minutes, I have an awesome lunch packed, and I don't feel like I need to take a nap.....I dont feel like I want to hide away somewhere and cry.....I dont feel like I want to just up and leave my entire life behind and escape. Things seem good today.

Maybe I am bi-polar? ;)

I did get my first B-12 shot last night though. My Honey seems to think this is the cause of it. The doc told me that I should feel "better" right away.
Well....when you are overweight and sore and bloated and icky feeling everyday, what exactly does "better" mean?
Do I feel like I could up and run a marathon?? Oh HELL no! But I do feel like I have energy to face the day and THAT...makes a big difference.

Even when faced with the fact that I didn't lose anything last night at my weigh-in....I still feel great :) I didn't gain though, so thats good too!!

Even when my father tried to get on my case about surgery and why would I want to do it when obviously Weight Watchers is working (I have lost 17 lbs in 10 weeks) I just have to keep at it....no surgery necessary.... I was able to just nod and say, "We'll see".....but as my kids know quite well..."we'll see" actually means "I am done talking about this now and I dont want to hear anymore about it because my decision is already made"

Have a great weekend to everyone!! Get out an enjoy the outdoors if you can!! I am taking my bicycle out this weekend!!

Feeling a little blah and out of control today. I think its because I had such a busy weekend…..again.

Saturday morning, woke up to a completely flooded and washed out road on one side. We had groceries and such to do so we figured we’d better get on it right away in case the other side flooded as well and we would be stuck for a few days. Our well is completely submerged in the river and we cant drink the water so we had to get water too.

Normally, groceries would only take an hour or so but because we had to drive the long way around, it took us about 3 times as long to do all we had to do. The weather was beautiful and I ended up spending it driving around Hell’s Half Acre.

When we got back home, we put the stuff away and decided to take a walk down to the flood site to check it out. We took the dog since there were no cars on the road!! We walked down and a few people had decided to drive over to check it out too. The water was laying in fields as far as we could see. It was like standing on an island in the middle of a giant lake….which was pretty much effectively what it was!! You could take a boat from the river, through what would normally be the field behind out house, and go right over to the next concession. The fields for about 30kms both ways were entirely underwater. And the road through, was making a waterfall right in the middle of the lake! It was quite lovely actually

We stayed there for a bit and chatted with the people coming by. A big truck tried to go through the water and we all stayed to watch….look at me all redneck and stuff! The truck made it but not without consequence. It chugged and sputtered on the other side and there was definitely water in his motor. Steam was coming out from his engine and from underneath so, I don’t think it did his truck any good, that’s for sure.

We walked home and decided to go check out the side roads, but we took our bikes out of the garage. They had pretty low tires, but we took them out anyways. We went down about 1km before we couldn’t go any further. The river swelled across the road and through the fields. Something jumped in the water beside me, which I think may have been a muskrat, so I bee-lined it back home! By this time I realized that I hadn’t eaten anything yet!! No wonder I was starving!! We BBQ for the first time and it was So yummy!!!! Steak, asparagus and baked potatoes. (I tried Greek yogurt instead of sour cream but found it too sweet. Yuck)

So other than that hour or so I spent outside, the rest of the weekend was spent indoors

Sunday morning, I got a panicked phone call from my Honey’s sister….who should have been on her way to Montreal to pick up the boys from the train station, but her car broke down. So I jumped out of bed, hair all crazy, dressed and headed off to Montreal. No shower, no breakfast, no coffee.

To Montreal, to Morrisburg to drop my nephew off, back home…..then had to get to Ottawa in time for hair and makeup for a fashion show….then to my brother’s for his daughter’s birthday…..then back to Ottawa for the Fashion Show itself.

And still….I hadn’t eaten yet. I ate for the first time at about 8:30pm last night :(

2 days so busy that I didn’t eat all day….which also means I didn’t drink anything all day. No, I had a coffee on the way to Montreal….but that’s it. No water…

*sigh* So much for my big plan to take some time on the weekend plan and prepare for the week ahead. Tonight, Kira has Brownies so while she is there, I think I will go find a quiet corner and do just that. I feel so out of it today, I think getting some things back into some sense of order is just the cure!! I can’t go another week like the last one. Its too bad of a habit to get into…too easy to start the “grab and go” at the drive through or grab a burger on the way…..I do NOT want to get back into that habit. I really have to nip this in the bud because as summer approaches it is only going to get worse.

So I saw my family doctor last night as a follow up to some blood work. I have extraordinarily low levels of B12 and I am anemic.

Blah!!

I was anemic when I was pregnant the last time (8 years ago!) but after that I don’t know. I know I have had bloodwork done since then but, did they check for iron and B12? Does this mean I have been anemic for 8 years and didn’t even know it? And BIGGEST question now, will this affect getting surgery??? Will I have to wait longer until it’s balanced out or under control or is this something I will have to deal with forever? Am I stuck now eating liver everyday of my entire life? *shudder* I even LIKE liver…but every day?

I haven’t had much time yet to look into everything, but I guess I will be researching B12 foods, iron and other stuff. It just seems so complicated! Take iron at this time of day with this type of food and this vitamin has to be taken 1 hour before or 2 hours after eating and this one can’t be taken within so many hours of taking this one….my head feels like its going to explode! I feel like I should go back to school and take a nutrition course just to be able to function.

On the bonus side, I lost a half a pound last night and my Honey promised that he would help me sit down and plan out menus and meals for the next 2 weeks.

I need a drink. Is there B12 in wine? How about iron??