Sirene

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I don’t know if PMS affects me more now, or if maybe it’s a release of extra hormones in the fat that is disappearing…I dunno. But I have been SO crabby this past week!!

I felt awesome on Saturday though.
I started my Running Room program. Even though I was terrified! I was afraid that I was going to be the fattest person there…I thought I was going to be the slowest person there….I thought I would be the only one not geared up in MEC or Lululemon gear….and I thought nobody would talk to me.

Well…first of all, I wasn’t the fattest person there. A first for me!!! I definitely wasn’t the thinnest (and hope that I will never be the thinnest person in the room-cuz that’d mean I had no boobs left!!) but that’s ok by me! Someday maybe I hope to be the “healthiest” person in the room, but that is something I plan to work on every day of the rest of my life anyways.  

The Lululemon gear and MEC stuff and fancy shoes and all the expensive thermal non chafing specially designed air vented dri-fit waterproof gear in the world, does not a runner make!! There were lots of people in plain ordinary regular old sweatpants. Me? I was sporting the HOT PINK workout jacket my Honey gave me for Christmas and the matching (regular size LARGE) black & pink workout pants. I do have expensive shoes actually....but I think that’s a justified expense. And I LOVE my Asics Gel Cumulus!! But they have one fatal flaw…they aren’t pink! L

And someone did talk to me!! I am a very shy person in situations like this. So to have someone speak to me was nearly paralyzing. But I forced the fear down and spoke to her. We chatted while doing the warm up walk and she stayed pretty close to my pace the whole time. I think she struggled a bit more than me, but I slowed down a little when I would see her fall too far behind me, simply because I couldn’t bear the thought that if it had been ME…I would have felt abandoned.

As for being the slowest….I was still pretty scared of that, even through the whole run. I started out near the beginning and was very careful not to push myself too quickly. I have a tendency to go for “all or nothing” and I knew that if I did that, I could hurt myself and endanger the rest of my running career. I let faster people pass me and kept a comfortable pace the whole way through. Each time we were told it was time to walk…I would look back to make sure I wasn’t the last one….and lo and behold…I wasn’t!! I stayed mid pack the whole way!!! I really tried to keep my elation in check though by thinking about the time when running for 2 or 3 or 4 minutes would come and it might be a different story….but it was hard to fight that feeling of ….well you know what…I don’t know what that feeling was because I never actually felt it before!!

What I do know is that when we were done, our coach high fived everyone as they ran in (which I thought was great!) and after my stretches and I got in the car to drive home….it all came whooshing out of me! It swelled up almost like a panic attack and completely overtook me and I started to cry. I cried for myself. I cried for my mom. I cried for Monica. I was laughing and crying at the same time….because I did it!

I f*$#king DID it!!!!

The next morning, was the first free run. I was still pretty high from the day before but even so, I was still worried about whether or not I could do it TWO days in a row. Sure, I did yesterday, but could I do it AGAIN?? Maybe it was just a fluke! Surely I didn’t think I could actually pull something like that off 2 days in a row???

So we started….and I ran. I was feeling pretty awesome too….even though it was about minus 3 degrees outside and a bit rainy. About 4 blocks from the finish….that’s when it happened. We were running down a pretty steep hill on the way back and I heard my hip go “POP!!”

Ahh shit.

I managed the rest of the run, I think probably just based on pure adrenaline. When I got home though, I could feel it. I put ice on it as soon as I could but I think it was too late. I should have foregone the groceries and errands and just spent the day with ice on it….but NOOOOOOOO….I had to play Superwoman!!

I ended up going to the doctor, even though I was terrified that she would either say…well no wonder you hurt yourself- fat people don’t run!!.....or something even worse like…well your running days are over, my dear!

She didn’t say either! She said that I likely had a strain and to start physiotherapy as soon as I could. She said to stay active and use ice and to take Tylenol.

But ever since then, I have been miserable.

I feel like I am angry at my body for not cooperating and I have been taking it out on my Honey. (He is the stay-at-home dad and responsible for housework and meals and groceries and kids for the most part.) I feel like I am angry at him for every little thing, including not sweeping off the heater in the bathroom. I know…what a stupid thing to be annoyed about….but really, can’t he SEE for himself that its full of dust?? Why do I have to tell him??? And there was no more greek yogurt left for my breakfast. What???? This, is unacceptable!!! Oh….and I had only one pair of clean underwear left this morning. And they were NOT the ones I wanted to wear!!

< insert foot stomp and pout here >

Luckily, he has been exceedingly understanding and as much as I have tried to curb the emotional outbursts, I have been finding it very difficult. Is this because of PMS? Maybe because I am mad about my hip?? (I will sever the jugular of the person who says “I told you so”) Maybe I am just in pain. Maybe work is too stressful since it’s the end of the fiscal year and I am, afterall, the finance manager for the International programs…

I actually went out on my lunch yesterday for a run. I missed the free run on Wednesday being worried about my hip….but wanted to get at least a one run in and needed at least one day of rest between it and my class on Saturday. I did the outside of the parking lot (which I measured when I left and it is exactly 1.9kms) twice, for a total of almost 4kms!!

But….I did push it. The fear took over and I did 1 minute run and 1 minute walk instead of the 2 minute walking for the first week.

I couldn’t help it!!! I was still so fearful that I will be left behind!!!

Maybe that’s why I have been crabby??

I obviously have a lot of things I need to work on!! Good thing nobody ever said that weight loss cures all your problems ….. cuz THAT sure is a load of CRAP!!    

I weighed myself on Monday and the scale said 196lbs.

I thought it must be broken, so I waited until this morning before weighing myself again.

190lbs

I keep looking behind me and wondering when someone is going to jump out, laugh hysterically and tell me I have been Punk'd.


Really?? Could this be possible??

I have been staving off tears ever since Monday by sheer willpower and the power of denial.

Waves of panic threaten to consume me, the swell starts in my chest, making it impossible to breathe and the tears start to well up behind my eyeballs and threaten to spill out, but I know that if that dam breaks.....it's all over!!! So I just keep on believing it must be a mistake....

I just need someone to talk to who understands this panic and fear and cowardice I am feeling. Why? Why am I not just happy?? Why am I having such a hard time accepting it? Why do I feel like I am going to cry every time I think about it??
Is it success?? Have I lived with failure so long that it has become so familiar and friendly that even the mere thought of possibly succeeding is making me insane??

I should be ecstatic and thrilled and happy and glowing and jumping around but I am really just terrified. I wish I could talk to my mom.....

I will try to face it on the weekend. But right now....I am just going with the "scale is broken" theory.

I am trying to keep to the philosophy that each day, I am happy with my weight. I try to say to myself....whatever happens from here, I am satisfied at this weight.
Some days, its easier than others. Like if the scale has moved down, or at least hasn't moved "UP"...then I am OK. When it starts to creep upwards, my faith becomes a bit shaky...

As I get closer to onederland, it becomes increasingly frightening. It' almost like this is for real!!! LOL!!

I have never been under 200lbs in my adult life. The last time I was under 200 was when I was in high school!!

I must say, I am almost enjoying shopping. I can't go on my own though....I have to take my Honey with me. I am still unable to figure out sizes on my own and am too shy to start asking the sales person to bring me all kinds of different sizes.

I did pick up 2 pairs of dress pants on clearance the other day for under $ 5!!! They were a regular size L. I figured there was no way on the planet that I would be able to wear them now....I figured they would be for "later" when I lost enough weight. But when I got them home, my Honey made me try them on and sure enough.....they fit. A bit snug, but I have a feeling they are supposed to fit like that. You can see the shape of my butt!!! Are you supposed to be able to see my butt shape???

They feel a bit weird too. I am used to wearing baggy pants that come right up to my waist and these sit on the hips. I feel like my butt crack is showing. My Honey assured me it wasn't....but I still felt very exposed in them. Are they supposed to fit like that??

And when I look down, I see my thighs.

Not my belly.

My thighs. And I can see the muscles move under the skin when I walk. I get so engrossed in watching how my muscles make my body move that I can literally walk right into things!!

Does this make me vain? I am not doing it out of vanity I don't think....just out of sheer amazement. I mean, look!! I have muscles!!

and I caught myself in the mirror in my old pyjamas. The pair of 4X that my mother bought me for Christmas 3 or 4 years ago. They look awful!! hanging off me like I am a bag of bones....which trust me, I am certainly NOT!!! But I decided it was high time for new pyjamas.....and again, my Honey had to pick them out. I couldn't tell. I kept gravitating to the plus sizes. Sure enough, size L was fine.

My next set will have a built in bra though.....I have serious gravitational-pull issues in that area....the new ones have a tank top and I kind of felt a bit trailer-trashy with my wife-beater on....so ya, next time...definitely need some sort of support!!

I may almost be ready to attempt bathing suit shopping.....

Almost ;)