Suite1
Obsession!
Sep 22, 2010
Surgery was a week ago yesterday (9/14/10) and I promised myself I would wait and only weigh myself on Tuesdays, once a week. Every day it was a challenge not to step on the scale, until Tuesday the 21st came. Then I was afraid to. What if I had gained a lot with the fluids & gas at the hospital? What if I didn't lose much? Anything? I stepped on, staring at the ceiling, because I was too nervous to look. We've got one that checks your percentage of body fat too, so it always takes a few seconds for everything to register.I looked down and saw 254. That means I've lost 9.5# since the morning of surgery and 26# total since I made the decision and started working with the Nut. I was ecstatic - couldn't wait to text, email, Facebook the news. I was so excited I was sending text messages to people's email address and confusing everyone - because NONE of us knew you could do that. Then I thought, what if next week isn't just as good? And the next morning I thought again about stepping on it before next week.
Later I was on the Roux En Y forum here and thought about all the frustration when people hit stalls. The joy when the numbers go down, the frustration or anger when it stays the same, or worse...goes up. I think about how many of us are just so fearful that we will be the one who isn't successful. That this will be just like every other diet or "change in lifestyle" we've tried before only to regain all the weight and then some. How much fear there is that the lack of movement on the scale means we're done losing weight forever and now we fear regain...especially because yo yo dieters aren't known for their maintenance skills.
Some people have shared that they weigh every day, but only record the weekly number. That seemed like a good compromise at first, but now I suspect it's a rationalization. Why are we drawn to the scale? Because of the instant feedback. If it's down, we're thrilled and we get addicted to those endorphins. If it's up, we think like a gambler, the next time I'll hit, the next time it will be lower.
So I was in the bathroom, staring at the scale and thought I don't want to let my sense of self worth be determined by the numbers on a scale. Yet I also want a benchmark for my progress. So where is the fine line? I don't trust the size of my clothing to be accurate. Before this, I was wearing size 22 jeans, yet I could wear size 18 capris. Today I put on a pair of 16s. They fit better in the hips & thighs but are still a little snug in the waist. There's no uniformity in clothing sizes, so that's not a good benchmark if you ask me.
I always keep my measurements and check those once a month. They always help when the scale doesn't move but clothes do fit better. Then I see women here saying they've hit their goal, but still aren't happy with the excess skin or something else is still flabby.
I think about how the only time in my adult life I was at goal was 20 years ago. I kept trying on size 12s until my mother forced me to try on a pair of 10s (she took me clothes shopping for my birthday). No where in my personal reality did the possibility exist that I could ever wear a size 10. Then my sister started letting me wear some of her clothes (in exchange for dry cleaning) and I discovered I could wear a 9. Seriously? Single digits? Me?!?
You have to understand that from kindergarten through 8th grade, I was always THE TALLEST person in my class, not just the tallest girl. That somehow translated in my young mind to always being the biggest - and I didn't really have a weight problem then. Every time I had to buy a larger size, I assumed it was because I was getting fatter - possibly because I had a sister always telling me I was fat, and a brother telling her to knock it off, she'll give me a complex. It never dawned on me and no one ever told me it was just because I was simply GROWING. Trust me, I made a point of drilling that point into my daughter's head because she's also tall.
OK, I digress... My point is that in my mind, I've always seen a "size 12" when I look in the mirror. Even now. I look at the photos in my profile and think "that's not what I see when I look in the mirror". So when I was a size 9, I thought I was a 12. As a 2-3X, sometimes size 22, I thought I looked like a 12 - so I'm not sure I can trust "how do you feel when you look in the mirror" as an adequate bench mark either because I've been clearly fooling myself for a while now.
When I went from a size 18 to size 20, I rationalized in my mind that I'm the only one that knows what size I wear, so what's the big deal? That, unfortunately, only made it easier to forgive myself when I went from a 20 to 22. So that didn't work.
What is it about the number? I'm 5'9" - according to the BMI calculator, that means a "healthy range" for me is 126-168#. My doctor says a healthy weight for me is 156, but my personal goal is 150. So I think "168: Whew, that takes away some of the pressure" and then my brain switches to "OK, I know 126 would be way too thin, but I know I was down to 147 years ago and really thought I could still lose another 5-10#, so why not 137?". See what I'm talking about - I feel like I'm neurotic! BUT, I also know (or at least strongly suspect) that if you are reading this, you are more than likely nodding your head in agreement.
After years of yo-yo dieting, after a lifetime of pretty much knowing what I weighed at every major event in my life, and now that I'm at the beginning of this experience and hoping & praying that I don't screw this one up too - when will I be happy? 165? 156? 147?
Maybe I'll be happy when I can simply shop in any clothing store I like - although that's doubtful since I wear Talls. Or maybe when I fit comfortably again in my husband's arms? Or when I can be confident that I can sit in a kayak without sinking it or having it stick to my butt when I stand up? When I'm able to put my foot up on the chair I'm sitting in and paint my toe nails and STILL be able to breathe normally? Or when I'm comfortable in a coach seat in a plane - although I'm not sure anyone ever really is unless they are a normal sized 5 year old.
I know I need some sort of tangible, objective, statistical benchmark to gage my progress, but I fear that I may never be happy with the body I have. What happens if I'm 150, wearing a size 10 (or smaller) but still don't like what I see in the mirror or photographs? Will I need a boob job (or lift) to feel better? A tummy tuck? My arms or neck or butt or thighs done? I know logically, rationally and intellectually, I know in my HEAD that my body image is not the key to my happiness....that losing weight won't make me happy. That's why I've been working so hard to address so many emotional reasons for why I got here in the first place. Happiness is a state of mind, or a place in the heart, and that is the real goal here. If I just happen to be a size 10 or less, then that's the icing on the cake.
Now, remind me of this post when I freak out down the line because the scale isn't moving!!! But seriously, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Especially if you've been able to conquer this obsession!
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About Me
Dayton, OH
Location
21.6
BMI
Surgery
09/14/2010
Surgery Date
Jul 02, 2010
Member Since
Before & After
rollover to see after photo
280lbs
150lbs
