Wolf Song
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Wolf Song
Early October 2004
I like to read, work on computers, make jewelry, play piano and guitar, and NASCAR Nextel Cup racing. I used to be very active until I was hit by a car while riding my bike, and everything changed while I was healing. I hurt a lot, and used that as an excuse to not do anything after I started to gain more weight from not being active. I was not thin to start with, but thinner than I am now! I just found out today (9/24/04) that insurance has accepted my request for having surgery. I guess I will find out very soon when it will be.
Anytime after the weekend of October 9/10 coz I will be in Kansas City for
the NASCAR Busch and Cup races that I am so excited about. I told my husband that to have this surgery happen that week would be none too soon.
October 16, 2004
My trip to the races were all that I thought they would be. I LOVE NASCAR Cup races and watch every weekend. This was my very first race to see live. It was a Christmas present from my Mom and Dad to me. When I talked with my Dad after we came back, he asked if I would like to go to ALL the races at Kansas Speedway and of course I said SURE! I am not that big a fan to the Craftsman Truck Series or the IRL races, but....if it is part of the package, I will go. My Dad and husband went this year coz I just
really don't care for those, but Dad said he has had his fill of IRL.
IRL is the Indy type cars, open wheel races. My husband and Dad have
gone to the Indy 500 every year for the last 6 years. For the
Cup races, I do not really have a favorite driver, but really do like Tony
Stewart and Ryan Newman. This year the races were hard on me to get
around. Our seats are way up high in the grandstand (they are
really great seats - you can see the WHOLE track). The walking part
started to get to me royally. My orthopedic surgeon prescribed
Flexaril and on top of the Darvoset and the Lortab I take I stayed
relatively pain free, just was slow to get here and there. Next year I
will be SKINNIER!! :) I came home and basically had to lay down for 3
days to recuperate.
My surgery pre-op is on the Monday before (November 1) and then election day is the 2nd and then Surgery day is the 3rd. I am getting so very excited, and I am concerned that I will not make it through, or have some really bad complications. But...whatever the outcome will be it is what God's
will is. I believe in prayer, and I meditate upon the future. I
place images in my mind of what I will do and what I will look like and all
that. That to me is a form of prayer. Positive thinking.
I really have enjoyed the message board here. I will write more later.
I was asked by a member here if I knew what I was getting into. It has surprised me the number of people who I have run across their profiles that do not quite understand the "aftercare" of such surgery, what their life will be like from now on until it ends.
I do feel as if I am very informed both of good and bad. I have read about people being unhappy for one reason or another (usually failing health) and have had take downs. I have read their stories. BUT... I have read way more good stories. Talked to people who have had this done and feel like this IS a surgery for me. I looked into it about 4 years ago, and was talked out of it by my husband, and the surgeon that I wanted was not in our network. SO, I tried more diets, tried the speed that the weight loss docs give, and
having not lost much, and the problems that has caused me, and eventually
gaining back all I lost Plus, I decided to look once again into the
surgery. This time though, the doctor I wanted (Dr. Gorospe) was in
network. It has surprised and almost shocked me to see how many people go
into this without extensive research. Not understanding that diet and
exercise go hand in hand.
I used to be very thin, and starting about 20 years ago, things in life started to get me down and yes- food became my friend. It never was before. I ate to live before. After I screwed with my metabolism for years, I finally got down to 160 with diet and daily exercise. I used to do aerobics (and when step aerobics came out I went to that), lifted weights daily (split routine) with one day off a week, and rode long distance on my bike (30 miles was a SHORT ride). I was hit by a car while on my bike in 1991. My life changed drastically. I could not do the things I had been doing just the day before. I became very, very depressed and even suicidal. I was placed on anti-depressants which helped with gaining more weight.....No, life was no fun and I reached 250 pounds and now have physical problems from the weight. I have already had one herniated disc repaired in my neck in April of this year, and a lower disc in my back is bulging and trying to herniated. I walk
with a permanent limp from the pain that manifest from that disc in my
right hip/leg/groin area. I am so ready for the surgery.
I have gone and gotten my protein formula today. It felt so good to be back in a nutrition store - a place I once felt very at home. I pulled myself off the anti-depressants about 4 or maybe it has been 5 years ago. I still deal with depression, but am unwilling to take any drugs for it. I take enough pain killers as it is - I live on them and muscle relaxers right now. That is no life. I hate for my husband to touch me and I am a very sexual person. We really do not have too much problems in that department, but I know he would rather not touch me, it comes through in his actions.
So...do I have a quality life? No, Not any more. I am not really able to work either, I take too many sick days. Migraines, can't sit, stand or walk without the pain killers and the muscle relaxers. I am so totally tired of this life, but I do see a way out with surgery.
December 3, 2004
OK, I guess I shall update this profile. Surgery went well without any complications and was released from the hospital the very next day. It was done Laparoscopic and I have had no problems at all. Still have problems
with my leg hurting but am able to cut the Darvoset in half instead of
quarters to take. I have gotten food stuck once that I threw up (it
was turkey) and all meat sits very heavy. I am not a meat eater
anyway. I like fish but even that does not sit real well, so I
will just drink my protein drinks and be glad for that . I really do
not mind the protein drinks as I have now been mixing my Chocolate
with ice and five or six strawberries and a half of a banana. It goes
down well and feels good there so - I will just keep that going for as long
as necessary.
My husband has been very supportive through all this. He and I still have problems which I will not go into here, but needless to say he has helped me in this last month and is sympathetic toward my learning new things about what I can and can not do. I will be glad to be able to do something outside this
house or alt lease give me something to do here. I am working on a new
design for my web site, but I can only change my site so many times. I
guess after I do the jewelry site I will work on my puppygirls site (that is
my dog site dedicated to my kidz).
I am a really private person and do not have much to say. I have lost 23 pounds so far and guess I am pleased with that . I have not yet gone through the "I regret this" stage yet. I am crying an awful lot though lately, but I think it is just that this is the first Christmas I have no money to spend and it is getting to me. I am wondering if I will get to be thin
again. I want to get down to 125. That is where I felt my best
and looked my best. My Mom says 23 pounds in a month is great.
I guess it is - I feel a deep depression coming on and from my past
dealing with depression, I do not think this is one I will be able to shake
off. I promise that if the suicide thoughts come again - I will seek
help.
February 2005
I have a problem. It is my attitude, I know, but I must change it, at least I feel that way. I am embarrassed that I have been reduced to having this horrible surgery. I used to be soooo active. Worked out at a gym 6 days a week (sometimes only 5). Did aerobic class, then lifted weights daily with my split routine. Weekends found me on my bike riding long distance at a good 50 or so mile ride for a day. My weight was not great - I still considered myself overweight at 160 pounds - but it was stable, never going up, or down for that matter. I am 5' 7 tall. Well, about 10 years ago I was out on a bike ride and almost home, and was hit by a car. Did not break anything, but bruised my bones very badly. I landed on my back - well kinda on my butt, then rolled back smacking my head (helmeted - or I would not be alive) on the road. Since then I have had nothing but problems with my back/legs/hips. There are discs that are budging. Trying to herniate. Have had one in my neck fused already that was probably due to the accident, and the lower back is in not too good condition. MRIs now show degeneration and budging discs. I did not sue the girl or anything - just got my immediate medical bills taken care of, got my $500.00 bike fixed, and went on. Went on.....yeah. I could not walk, run, ride bike (half of that one is still mental), in short - my life stopped. I gained up to 250 pounds. I hated my life, what I had become. I hated the fact that I was in constant pain, living on pain pills daily. It is extremely hard for me to hold down a job, I miss so much time at work. Anyway, I thought, I have so much trouble moving about with exercise, I can do this surgery, get thin. Maybe the pain will go away, but I have lost 50 pounds now, and I still hurt so bad. I still take my pain meds to function on a daily basis, and this winter has been a killer. I don't know if it is the dampness, or what....but it seems worse than last year. I am angry
with myself that I have done this. I am angry that I have gained the weight
I did, angry that I seem unable to loose it. I can not even eat the things
I like - like fish, lobster, they don't settle well in my stomach anymore.
I threw up my little bit of a BLT the other day. I never was one for candy
- but GIVE ME ICE CREAM!!! I think I gained every bit of my weight from
eating ice cream. Now that is gone from my life, and I do not miss it. But
I miss the ability to have a piece of birthday cake, or a cookie or eat a
sandwich. I had surgery in the beginning of November 2004, and this feeling anger and embarrassment is just getting worse. I feel like every day I am a bit more angry with myself that I did this. 10 years ago, when I weighed
160, I thought I was heavy - muscular, but heavy still, a far cry from the
125 I want to be, and used to be. I don't really know why I am writing
this, I keep everything inside, I don't tell anyone what I feel. I just
want to know if this is normal. The OH boards, so many of those people have been fat all their lives, and this surgery has been a godsend to them. They
sound proud of the fact that they have had the surgery. I, on the other
hand want NO ONE that I am around to know I have done this. To me this is just such a embarrassment. Like I have gone and done something I have never believed in. I just think it is so wrong to do this surgery, and yet here I
am, having done it. And I still hurt. I just want to know if there is hope
for me. I just don't know if I want to hang on anymore....sometimes I think
the way out is the way to go. I do not think I am suicidal to the point I
would act upon it right now, but I find myself thinking more and more about
it, more than I have in several years. My dogs need me, I would not do that to my puppygirls. I refuse to take anti-depressants. They make you gain
weight. I just want to stop hurting, I want to be free of pain. I feel
like that is the only reason I have had this surgery, to get thin so I could
be free of the pain. I did not expect the feelings of anger and
embarrassment.
One good thing - NASCAR is about to start back up again. Next Saturday is the Bud Shootout, and in three weeks is the Daytona 500!
October 21,2005
Well it has been an extremely long time since I updated last. I have been through one dilatation even though there was not a stricture there per se, but they ballooned me up after the exit of the stoma and the beginning of the small intestine. I still am throwing up enough to warrant another look into the whole area. I don't know, but think it is maybe my problem now. I do not eat hardly anything at all, then when I do it is because I am hungry, so maybe I am eating those things too fast. I have been splitting up my protein
drinks into two or three times a day. I changed protein to Matrix chocolate
and the vanilla. The chocolate really does do a nice Hot Chocolate and
have been having anywhere from two or three per day with 1 1/2 scoops per
time of the protein powder.
I am down to a Medium/Large clothing size. Tried on a size 10 Gloria Vanderbilt pants and really thought about buying them, but I needed a bra worse than I needed jeans. The bra is nice, but raiding the jeans from my hubbys side of the closet was much more fun than buying them!!!
What can I say about my pain....My doc put me on Fentenyal pain patch that I change ever 72 hours, and put me on Cymbalta for the depression and it is also a neurologic pain killer. Still take the oral pain meds but at least I have some actual moments that I can do some things pain free.
I was asked if I would ever do this surgery again and instead of sitting here typing out what I said, I will just copy and past the reply. Some of it is redundant of what I have maybe said above, some parts not mentioned are in it. While one thing for certain is that I enjoy the smaller clothes, and feel like when I look into the mirror, I actually see me - the one I used to be, I still feel like this surgery is an embarrassment to have done it on my part. I think I should have worked through the pain and went back to exercising. I
should have not eaten all the pizza in the world, should have left the ice
cream alone. If anyone out there that might read this garbage that I
write...I hope you think more than twice about getting this surgery.
It is NOT an easy thing in any way.
No, I would NOT EVER do this surgery again. If I could take back time - I would not have it done at all. Lap band has ulcer problems due to the band moving and irritating the area it is at, and has many, many complications - one of which is vomiting.
RNY has solid food intolerance - which I am developing, nausea and vomiting which I have dealt with since day one, hypoglycemia - which seems to be rearing it's ugly head now and then, my pain pills do not absorb and just today was put on a transdermal patch - so far so good. I take anti-nausea pills every six hours every day and have for months and months - that will not change more than likely. I have dizziness which PCP said today was because my blood pressure which was ALREADY low before surgery, is now lower still and that in itself is causing a myriad of problems (dizziness, vision blurring/"brownouts", co-ordination, memory) I have solid food intolerance which if I start puking - can not stop and must at ALL costs try not to start - and it can be mostly solid foods, and sometimes protein drink - but that is not as bad as the food times.
Diarrhea and constipation problems - if it is not one it is the other - no in-between.
Having this surgery has caused my life to change in such a way that along with the pain issues I have dealt with for several years now, I have filed for disability. I can not work, plain and simple.
Good luck - that is all I can say. Look into the DS - many people are more than happy with that surgery. Only wish I would have known about that one before I had my surgery. I might (more than likely done that), and if I have no relief from these KNOWN COMPLICATIONS from the RNY - I will either do a reversal or a revision to DS. I am not one to do things lightly - I researched this very well, and knew 99% of the complications. What I did NOT know is that this board is very biased in it's postings and anything negative is pulled. I thought I had made an educated choice. I was not aware that the DS is really the more natural of the surgeries. BUT - that said - too many people I know now through several different areas of meeting them have the same issues or worse or to some extent not so bad....What I had hoped to be freedom from chronic pain and constant use of pain killers and a more active life has led to a more reclusive life for me revolving around food - what will or will not stay down, what I can and maybe can, or totally can not eat. I have filed for disability after loosing the 3rd of very well paying jobs due to the inability to be there every day, be there healthy and able to work my job for the full day, doctor appointments, emergency room visit, or staying in the bathroom coz I have no other choice about that issue.
Yes, I have lost now ALMOST 100 pounds. Yes - that is good and I am almost happy about that....would I do this again.....ABSOLUTELY NOT.