Ms.Ronnie

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Hey y'all. I know it's been a minute since I blogged. Gotta tell you my mind has been filled with a flurry of emotions lately and that makes it difficult to write and make sense.

Anywho...let's get to the meat of this thing, shall we?

Weight loss and life changes. What do you guys think about this transition that takes place after wls? For me it's like a metamorphasis...something of a caterpillar/butterfly transformation. I am changing, slowly, but surely and my cocoon has been well spun for so long I can feel myself almost ready to break through.

The ministry that I belong to has a butterfly as it's symbol. It's ironic too because God gave me that symbol and when I presented it to my Pastor she was floored because she had gotten the same thing. What started out as a haven for hurting women became something far greater than any of us could have ever imagined.

The butterfly...in it's many stages starting from the cocoon, and if I remember correctly, goes through some serious stuff in that thing. I believe it goes thru a period where the cocoon is dark or almost black and then it begins to show a hint of color as the transformation moves toward its goal...a beautiful butterfly.

Isn't that just like God to protect something as beautiful as a butterfly to make certain that the necessary changes would take place? That's who we are...we're butterflies ladies. Albeit, most of us are still cocooning (is that a word?) and awaiting the completion of our transformations, but it's coming.

Enjoy this ride because I certainly am. Yeah, there are still days where I feel a little down because I can't eat everything that I desire. There are even days when I fret because I miss my FORMER best friend -- food, but every day brings with it a reminder that I'm transforming. I am morphing, if you will, into something that just a few years ago I could not have imagined. So those days when things seem a little off track, or I start feeling disgusted with myself because my mind tells me that I should not have had to have weight loss surgery in order to lose weight I will, no, I choose to remember the butterfly.

It's time to soar like eagles ladies because we deserve it and we have earned this! We have been given a gift and an opportunity to get this life thing right. We have been given a gift and an opportunity to get our lives in better order through health and well being. Let's do like the butterfly in that cocoon and stick to the plan and experience our own transformations and live!

God bless you all and thanks so much for the love, my OH family.

Wow. I almost can't believe it myself...it's been 3 weeks and a day since my VSG surgery. Whoever says that time isn't a healer doesn't quite understand the gift that time is to all of us. It doesn't necessarily take away an issue or a sad circumstance, but it does help move things along and make life bearable, if we want it to. That's where I am with my sleeve today...each and every day is a new beginning and another opportunity to move closer to the new Ms. Ronnie...the resurrected one.

For those of you who may take offense to my using the term "resurrection" to adequately phrase this amazing tour de force, I apologize, but it is the only thing that comes close to leaving the old me and awakening the new me, post VSG. I have been resurrected because the old Ronnie had to die off in order that the new one might come forth. I have been recreated! New and improved and full of life, that's what resurrection I'm referring to. I was dead, but now I live...I was lost, but now I'm found. Where might I be without having done this VSG? I'm not even sure at this point, but I know it would not be a good place for me. I'm thinking along the lines of the Allegory of the Cave...me sitting there, watching life move above and about and around me...just sitting, trying to exist, when all I need to do was choose to do something and live.

I feel so sad when I read posts of people complaining about having to do this or that with regard to the guidelines of this surgery. I wonder if they realize that even with the work we must do with this tool where would any of us be without it??? Sure I miss that demon that comforted me while no one was looking...food. Not just food for thought, but food for any void that I could have ever experienced. Food that took the place of dealing with issues and me and things that hurt and things that made me uncomfortable...that's the food I'm talking about. My former secret friend. We miss what's familiar, but it sure doesn't mean that it was something good for us because that much food certainly wasn't good for me.

So yeah, I'll deal with this uncomfortable feeling of what I now know as being too full. I'll deal with having to sit and actually plan what I'm going to eat as opposed to devouring whatever I lay my hands on. I'll even deal with the fact that I must SLOW DOWN and savour what I eat and drink and not do it mindlessly to the point of being so engorged until I feel ill. Yeah, I've made a decision that I'll deal with all of that if it will continue to bring me this new life that I've gotten a glimpse of thus far.

We complain about so much, but what if??? What if we continued on that food path of destruction and our bodies continued to go down hill...really far down hill? How would we feel then if the medications many of us have been taking stopped working and our diagnoses started coming in more and more grim causing us to REALLY lose hope? Ever got a bad report from a doctor? These are the things I stop and think about now when I fret because I can't have that slice of pizza or a tall glass of Pepsi! I tell myself, 'Ronnie, get your friggin' priorities straight and live.' This is temporary, but the results can be ongoing, and get better with time...who the hell wouldn't want those odds?

So yeah, Ms. Ronnie is realizing the power of resurrection in her own life because of her decision to have the VSG. People are noticing and so am I...that this change is possible and these goals are attainable. For that I am ever grateful. So  I thank God that he has given man the wisdom to attain the knowledge to implement medical changes for our behalf. See, that's one of the wonderful things about God...He allows us to get so consumed and move in a spirit of 'can't get enough' to the point where we go so overboard that we need intervention. God allows that intervention, but it is up to us to do the work, get the info and move ahead.

Ms. Ronnie has realized the power of resurrection in her life and it tastes way better than food and it has caused me to live. To my OH family...you guys are amazing and a sure life line to those of us who were slowly dying.

Now...are you willing to die in order that you might be resurrected?

7 days post-op! I can't believe it myself, but it's here. It's been 7 days and all the nervousness, tension, anxiety...all of it has subsided and taken on a more relaxed 'listen to your body' kinda vibe. More importantly, I'm liking this transition myself.

Well coming out of week one and resting comfortably in this recovery stage was one I looked forward to. Like I mentioned in an earlier blog, thst friggin recovery alone from the anesthesia was my only problem...everything else was smooth sailing. I had no gas, no pain, no discomfort, nothing whatsoever. The surgery was quite easy for me and I thank God for that. I know one thing...I have totally changed my mind about having a little boob job and nip tuck done down the road because I refuse to go under general anesthesia again. My dear hubby and I were laughing about it the other night. He looked at me and said, "I sure don't mind the skin you're in if you don't mind..." I cracked up laughing. He knows first hand how ill I was from that friggin' anesthesia...so nip tuckng is out of the question. We haven't decided yet, but it looks like a celebratory cruise might be just the thing for us instead of using our money for nipping and tucking. But I digress...

My weekly recovery has been interesting trying to get in these fluids and remain sane. Whew! I cooked Sunday dinner for my family and just decided, "HEY, I'M GONNA TASTE THIS BBQ CHICKEN!!!" Okay, so quietly, alone in the kitchen I take the food out of the oven, place it on the counter, and just as I'm about to cover it I grab a tiny fork and take a bite. Here comes my head talking real loud..."uhmmmm, oh, that's tasting mighty good there Mrs. Lucas...at least surgery has not ruined your ability to cook some good a$$ed food"...and then I swallowed...GULP...rumble, rumble, grumble and rumble again and BAM!!! It hits my teenie, weenie, tiny tummy and it says, (way louder than my head talking voice) "WTF are you doing stupid???" So, the moral of this story is this, and please trust me, they tell you to do the liquid diet post-op for a reason...that little belly is not ready to start working to try and process any food yet...JUST LISTEN STUPID!!!

I mean it wasn't killer pain, but I certainly felt a crazy twinge, twitching thing going on in that lil' belly and it scared me straight. So for those of you who are more brave than Ms. Ronnie...do your thang. Me...I'm staying on the straight and narrow for this one! Week two of liquids here I come!!!

All kidding aside though, I feel wonderful and I want to thank my OH family for being so supportive. It means the world to me that you guys are in my corner.

Oh, and the whole rest thing...yeah, just 7 days out and it looks like I'm resting better than I have in a long time.

God bless and y'all work those sleeves, ya hear?

Hey everybody! I'm home and sleeved and feeling a little crazy right about now. I do feel the need to start writing about my experience though. This experience is not for the faint-hearted nor the one who thinks that everything falls into place immediately after surgery. Let me explain...

Well surgery day came and went as uneventful as ever...even with my nerves kicking into high gear.  When we arrived at the hospital we were told to go to the 10th floor and there I would be taken care of and admitted. Everything and everyone went according to plan and I was whisked off behind the tightly closed doors into an area that we knew was the final resting place, if you will, for those of us who were trading in something old for something new.

I entered into a small curtain contained room where I was told to undress and put on a gown and a robe over that. The nurse said someone would be in shortly to take my vitals and the anesthesiologist would also come in to chat with me. They did. The anesthesiologist reminded me of a ninja...he slipped into my little room behind the curtain, introduced himself and asked me a couple of questions and with that he was gone. I remember thinking, "What was that guy's name?" My family was kinda standing around during that time and came back in once the room was clear. It was almost my time...I could feel it.  My hubby couldn't keep still, my sister sat closely by my right side, my daughter was sitting on the other side leaning on me like she did when she was little and my 4-year old grandson James lay on my lap staring into my eyes looking just a bit suspicious. Talk about graven images...this felt too weird for me. Thank God that everyone was still able to speak positive words that kept reminding me why I was there. I found comfort in that. Within minutes the OR nurse comes in with one of the BRIGHTEST smiles I've ever seen in my life and tells me, "....it's time to go..." And off I went. Parting kisses and hugs and well wishes followed me as we embarked upon the first leg of my journey...getting to the OR.

This had to be the largest OR area known to mankind. When she opened the door all you could see were gernies, doors, numbers and signs, people behind masks and more doors. We must've walked for what seemed like 3-4 minutes. Winding corridors and closed doors with masked people behind them and strangely lit overhead lights hanging in the distance were my reminders. My mind was racing a mile a minute...OR...operating room...I'm about to be cut...what the *&&**(#$#@!

Then I saw it...the last door at the end of the hall. This is it...I can't remember if it said OR 14 or OR 17. Either way (and yes, this is pre-anesthesia so I don't remember now) the numbers jumped out and screamed at me. As the nurse opened the door I glanced to my right and saw the ninja anesthesiologist inviting me to come in and lie down. They helped me disrobe, half way and onto the table I went. As I lay there tears streamed down my cheeks. I looked over to the nurse and said "I can't believe I'm crying." She comforted me telling me that many people do this. All of a sudden I felt a slight pinch on my left arm and looked over. Speech was soon a memory, but I remember blurting out, "oh, I thought i felt..." and that was it....lala land here I come. The old Ronnie was being put down in order that the new Ronnie could be resurrected.

I do remember the light over my head though and how bright it was. Interesting thing that light and what we associate with it. That light...new beginnings, at the end of a tunnel, life and resurrection and on and on...

recovery, to be continued...

Hey there friends...Ms. Ronnie here.

I'm anxiously anticipating Monday 8/10/09 knowing that it's one of the most life-changing events ever!  Of course I'm still questioning myself, but that's okay...those of you who have already crossed over have probably had these same thoughts...what the hell am I doing??? SMH and saying to myself, "you're doing the right thing...you're a fat girl who wants to break out and be rebirthed and move forward and run like hell from that fat girl suit that you're about to peel out of...whew!...all in one breath.

No, seriously though...this is just an amazing time for me. I'm 50 years old -- I feel 20 something in my thoughts and ambitions except for the aches and pains that my body experiences due to the fat girl suit. I, like those of you who have already crossed over, am learning that it's totally the right time to say "bye-bye" to that food demon that speaks to my mind and jumps into my belly waaaaaayy too often. I'm starting to feel like I'm a trailblazer in our circle of friends too. It seems like everyone is already starting to look at me differently since I made the decision to do something about my life...oh yeah, about my "fat girl suit wearing" life. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it's certainly different. When I talk about it I'm like the old E.F. Hutton commercials where everyone leans in and listens. I know...I'm rambling, but that's what I do when I'm nervous and ansy and all those crazy emotions in between.

My husband is starting to realize that this huge change is about to happen, not just for me, but for all of us. He's been talking about changing the way we all eat in the house and more exercise. That blesses me...that he's in my corner. He always has been a wonderful man and I thank God for that. Sheesh...I couldn't imagine if I didn't have his support. But I do and thank God (again) for it. My daughter Emily, and my sisters are there for me also so I'm really blessed. My mom is a bit nervous, but at least she understands why I'm going this route and that's more than enough for me. My BFF Susan is another little cheerleader who is also in my corner. So I guess I'm just grateful for all this wonderful love and support that has me surrounded...but there's more...

Speaking of support...this OH spot is the place to be when it comes to support. You guys are the most selfless group of loving indivudals I have run across in a long, long time. Even when the boards are blazing with debated issues that have everyone steaming to get their points across, there's no place I'd rather be. You all have become a part of my life. This OH site is kinda like a life line that I've been thrown in order to survive this next chapter in my life. Aww man, now I'm tearing up...sniffle...so, for that I say thanks and I pray that God grant all of you the desires of your hearts. It's almost weird to feel so close to people whereby one's sole connection is via cyberspace, but all things considered, it's true. We are connected guys. The bottom line is nobody should have to go through this alone...I feel blessed to be a part of my OH family.

So I'll probably post back here...hopefully, sometime next week to give an update on things.

Thank you,

I'll see you on the other side...

Hey guys...well, you see the title so I guess it's safe to say that you probably have a general idea that it didn't go so well today. 

Me and my friggin' good intentions! Today was a b*t@h of a day for me!

Everything went haywire as respects my little pre-op eating program and I grazed like a friggin' cow. ARGH!!!

Okay, now that I'm more calm -- writing always helps -- I can vent about the WHY that's behind this lousy day.

It started with every plan that I tried to make today falling thru so that just put the icing on the cake (aw crap...food again, huh?). I thought  it was because hubby didn't want to go to Atlantic City overnight like I did and I was ticked off.

Then I thought it was the fact that he mentioned Empire City in Yonkers for a day of gambling and quickly changed his mind about that as well... I was ticked off once again.

I sat around and munched like I didn't know any better! Pretty pathetic, right?

So now I'm second-guessing my 'let's get things started on the right foot and do my own pre-op diet thing' self.

I'm so angry at myself that I 'm questioning everything there is to question about me, the surgery and my goals toward any kind of weight loss success. 

Okay again, now anyone who knows me, knows that I'm like a pseudo-psychologist/life coach/inspirational therapist who's so not afraid to delve into her own madness and try to figure out what the heck's going on in that crazy abyss...

Then it hit me...after I sat quietly polishing off some ice cream and a couple of oreo cookies (while hubby was snoring on the couch and holding onto the remote as though it was glued to his fingers)...I'm stressing!! I'm sabotaging my own good intention pre-op diet plan because I'm STILL stressing!!!

I had to stop and remember that unlike other folks who can't eat a thing when they're stressed I , on the other hand, can eat a thing, that thing and a few more things.
The truth of the matter is that I'm nervous about this surgery and it's really freaking me out!!

So, it's not my husband...he was tired and didn't feel like doing anything and that's fine because he works really hard and takes really good care of me.

Fear!!! One of the most powerful, little words in the English language that can have one behaving in a manner that is completely shameful. Yes, it was and is fear. Now what? Do I revisit this whole surgery thing again? NO!!! I've done that dozens of times and I know this is the right path for me and the right time in which to do it.
I just needed to take a wooo-sahhh moment and get myself relaxed, so I did. 

Tomorrow WILL be better and I'll start over. My fear has been silenced by my certainty. This is IT!!!

I've since prayed , done a little meditating on the whole WHY of it all, and I actually feel much better.

Onward and upward to my rebirth on 8/10/09 with VSG surgery and onto that loser's bench!

Y'all make it a good night, ok? 

Okay, it's Wednesday and I'm home from having blood work, urinalysis, and an EKG done at my PCP's. My PCP is such a cool dude...did I mention he's the reason I'm taking this leap of faith into the land of WLS? He had the RNY done over a year ago by Dr. Roslyn at Lenox Hill Hospital (Dr. Yatco is his associate). Long story short, my PCP and I would chat about WLS each and every time I had an appointment. I finally had an 'AHA' moment during one of my visits. "Hey, why don't I just go ahead and have the surgery for myself since nothing else seems to work anymore?" I researched and read until I was making myself nutso. A few months into my research and reading I finally made an appointment at Lenox Hill. The rest is history.

So yeah, I'm freaking out a bit because the very thing that I have spoken and hoped for is actually coming into existence...my WLS surgery!

Tomorrow is my chest x-ray appointment. Once that's done all my pre-test info is faxed to Lenox Hill. All I need to do is maintain my pre-surgery diet and try to stay focused; afterall, this is a lifestyle change that I am committing to and not just a quick fix. What's making me a little nutso now is the fact that I keep asking myself, 'are you ready for this?'  Of course I'm on this rollercoaster because I perused a few stories of those who regained their weight and a few others who did not realize how much work was involved, i.e., diet, excercise, changing old habits, etc.

The bottom line...It's easier to obtain than to maintain. Anybody can have the surgery, but what about doing what's necessary to maintain the results most of us are looking for.

Are you ready to take on such a vital role in this life-changing decision to have WLS?

Personally, I think I'm ready, but not a day goes by that I don't find myself asking just to make sure that I remain focused.

Hey everybody...

Wow! I'm not sure what I'm feeling these days, but there certainly is a range of emotions like never before in my life. Today's Friday, July 17, 2009 and I feel like it's time to introduce myself to you folks out there and reintroduce myself to me. Sounds weird, but as a writer I know the importance of writing what one is feeling in order to weed out and find the REAL truth.

WTF is the truth? Well, I'm wondering what my life will be like without my secret pal...food??? Okay, let’s keep it real…at this weight there ain’t no way that my ‘pal’ is a secret!!! But I had no idea how much I depended on food and how much of my life was centered around it and consumed by it! There's no doubt about it that the decision to have WLS should require a psychological analysis because your head certainly takes you through some major stuff before (and I'm sure after) surgery.  I don't even want to talk to anybody about it because I think I'm ashamed.

My sweet hubby Norman is always saying "Angel, (yes, he calls me Angel) you really don't eat much...I don't see how you could have gained weight." What a doll...a clueless, love-struck doll, huh? What Norman and others don't realize is that I DO eat, and pick and pick and pick and pick and then sit on my behind (hanging belly and all) instead of exercising! Did I mention I’m a writer? Sorry, that had become my excuse for about a year, but no more! I gained weight because I eat. That's why I've gained weight. It’s not my thyroid meds, or my diabetes meds, or my high blood pressure meds, but it’s me oh Lord! It took a long time to admit that, but it’s the truth. 

My highest weight was 299lbs. a week and a half ago at my surgeon's office. I almost passed out. This time I let my husband see the scale and still he reassured me..."don't worry Angel, you're doing this surgery and then you'll start exercising and things will get better..." He winked at me and smiled and all I wanted to do was cry. One because I couldn't believe I was so friggin' fat and two because he really loves me and always has.  Let me give y’all some background… 

My husband was my first boyfriend and we dated 34 years ago, I was 16, he was 21. Today I’m 50 and he’s 55!!! We broke up and married other people years later, got divorced, started dating again in 1996 and got married in 1999. One day when I really feel like writing I'll tell the WHOLE story...it's a good one. But I digress...back to the surgeon's office. I almost felt good even though I had gained 4lbs. since my previous visit because my surgery date seemed within reach. They asked me to sit in the waiting room and said that someone would be out to assist me in finalizing everything.

I thought to myself, "finalize everything...yikes! This is it!! What am I doing?? I've allowed myself to get soooooo big now I have to sit here and make a date with a stranger to slice me open (actually to poke holes in me) and chop off half of my stretched out belly!" I could feel myself freaking out, but I held on and sat there with my hubby. The admin for my surgeon popped up almost silently sliding her lil' teenie-weenie hips beside my great big ones smiling. "Hi Mrs. Lucas, (almost singing) sooooooo, what date do you want to schedule your surgery for???" Then it happened...my head started spinning, my throat tightened up and the room seemed to start getting dark..."huh?" I asked, "Oh yeah, the date..." She hands me a calendar and I hear myself say, "How about August 10th?" She circled the date and starts shuffling paperwork around asking me to sign this and initial that and read the instructions for pre-op and have my PCP do up some blood work, an EKG and chest xray, and have that faxed back to her, and call the nurse and register the Friday before surgery... Everything seemed muffled, but I think I got it all in. My surgery date was set and I was about to take on the greatest ride of my life. I smiled at my husband - who was sitting directly across from me in the waiting area - and took the paperwork and we left the office. “I've got a date with a surgeon.” was all I could say...

My surgery was becoming consuming. I tried desperately to open myself up to other things that were going on in my life, but every thought and everything else came after the surgery. That weekend I had a rehearsal on Friday evening I'm a singer too) at 8pm, had to sing Praise & Worship on Saturday morning at 9am, a bridal shower to attend that afternoon at 5pm, and service to attend Sunday morning at 11, an afternoon Praise-a-thon service at 5pm where I had to sing a solo as well as sing with our Praise & Worship team. Busy...I kept thinking, is good. The weekend was great but my dreams, both day and night were still lassoed by my pending surgery. Remember the movie The Blob? Yeah, that's what my surgery had done to me...it had swallowed me up and with every thought I was expanding and brooding and stressing and so on.

Today, however, and with the help of this fabulous site filled with the most compassionate people, I am consumed in a most positive way. Not only have I received some great information, it looks like I may have found some new friends.
 
Not only have I accepted the fact that food and me are total ‘frienemies,” but I take full responsibility for it now and for what I will do to implement change in our relationship after my VSG. I feel like God has given me a second chance to make better choices and live. I’m still nervous and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but my mind is made up…this is something that I have to do FOR ME!!! 

I’m grateful for this site, for my husband, daughter, sisters and a few trusted friends who are in my corner. But most of all I’m grateful that obesity is not and doesn’t have to be the end of anyone…especially me.

I have to close with this question to you: Are you ready to get serious about your weight loss journey?

I'll be back soon, okay?