Marilyn W.

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Surgery date has been moved up from 6/2 to 5/30 -- only a few days, but a bit unsettling, also exciting. I'm ready though, and also ready to start recuperating. The liver shrink diet is going well. I started it a week early, and with the surgery moved up I'm glad I did. It's become easier now that I've been on the diet for a while. I had all the pre-admission tests yesterday at the hospital and filled out the paperwork. There have already been many, many steps on this journey. I researched options and doctors for many months before applying to Dr. Weaver's program at Saint Francis hospital in February. So I feel well-prepared as the surgery date approaches. Ten more days before surgery day.

I've started substituting whey protein shakes for some meals. An OH friend, Leticia, recommended I start adding them now in preparation for surgery 6/2. Leticia has been so successful; I didn't hesitate and began following her advice immediately. I learn something new almost every day on the site -- what a gift. I've completed all requirements for surgery and am gathering information and items for life on the loosing side.

Yes, the date's set. It seems so far away. I've had some down moments since hearing how long it will be, but have begun to realize how I can use this time to learn more and be better prepared. The hopechest is growing and I'm both anxious and fearful about beginning this wild rollercoaster ride I've been reading about. I've been praying that I won't continue to be so obsessed with all this. I have another nutrition class this week; I love learning all this new information about healthy living.

Another step closer. Got a call from a lady named Jeanette in Dr. Weaver's office. I will be seeing Dr. Weaver next week, 4/1/08 -- on April Fool's Day! I'm looking forward to learning more about this whole process and hearing her plans for my surgery and program. I'm working on a list of questions to take with me. When I was having my upper GI test done last week, several folks complimented Dr. Weaver and said she would be their choice if they were having this surgery. This made me feel better. I know they hear many comments about surgeons in this area. Also, I'm glad to report I've had no more melt-downs since last Friday evening. I even went out and bought a Magic Bullett to put into my new hope chest. I picked up some special lip treatment to take to the hospital, and I began feeling a new commitment to this process. I know I'm going forward.

3/21/08 APPROVED! WOW! It doesn't seem real yet, but I called back a second time and they confirmed it -- Yes, Tricare approved the surgery! I think it's more shock I feel. I thought I'd be celebrating at this point, but I mainly feel . . . . well, I can't put a name to it, but it is sinking in. Same day -- later on: Uh-oh, I'm having a sinking feeling. I believe this is called a "melt-down." I have to admit it -- I'm affraid. I didn't expect to feel this. I've never had elective surgery before. Now this is different. I've got a case of the "What if's" really bad tonight. I wonder if others have had this reaction. I know this is the right thing to do for my health and quality of life, but I keep worrying about the silliest things: "you mean I won't ever be able to drink with a straw again?" . . . "I won't ever have a birthday cake again?" . . . . "I won't ever be able to drink water in the same way, you know -- kind of gulping it?" .......... Yes, of course I know about sugar free cakes, and I know sipping without straws is not such a life altering change --- I know all this logically, but my feelings aren't being very logical tonight. I guess I need to begin making a list of pros and cons . . . . .. . maybe tomorrow. Tonight I think a need a bubble bath. This is one of those times I'd like to receive a direct, person-to-person call from God, reasurring me that I'm going to be OK.

3/19/08: Another day at the gym. I can't believe I'm saying this, but once I get there, it kind of feels good. It definitely makes me feel better about myself when I'm finished. I love to pat the sweat off my face and sip water like the jocks I see at the Y --- I dramatize my moves a bit, you know, like I've really worked hard -- I wouldn't admit this to just anyone!

3/18, OK everything's been turned into Tricare and I'm waiting to hear if they'll cover the surgery. There was such a flurry of paperwork gathering from everywhere, and finally I've done all I can do. In fact, we've all done all we can do. Now it's time to wait to hear back from insurance. I've heard and read lots of horror stories about insurance companies coming back to request all kinds of odd things and documents, and I'm wondering what they'll want from me. Worry, worry, worry, obsess, obsess -- know I shouldn't. It's like not trying to think about the red rose. . . . the red rose . . . . the red rose . . . see -- I can't "not do it!"

3/13/08 -- OK, this was a good day. I don't know why I was so nervous about going to my first support meeting tonight. I think it was hard to admit to myself that I really can't do this by myself -- I really do need help. I tried to go to last month's meeting but couldn't find the right room -- I wonder if I just didn't try hard enough because I was so fearful. Anyway, this time I made it. I slid into the room and nobody pointed at me. They had big roomy chairs, lots of table space, handouts to read and doodle on -- this was going to be OK. I didn't have to speak unless I wanted to, but soon, after a deep breath, I felt it would be OK to ask a question. Wow! these people know what they're talking about -- lots and lots of tips, product information, contact numbers. I got to talk to a few folks after meeting -- nice folks. I don't know what I was dreading, but this was great -- I can't wait until next month's meeting . . . . and this time I won't have to be the "new one."

3/8/08: The weather was awful, blustery freezing wind and sleet --- nothing could get in the way of those determined to lose weight. As I trudged into the door after risking life to get there through the wintry weather, I was surprised to find a waiting room filled with others seeking to lose weight. It was an enjoyable and brief wait to see the nutritionist. I was glad to talk with others at various stages of the process. Together we oggled at before and after photos of previous patients, and we giggled, wondering if we'd ever have the nerve to display our photos -- would we ever have some amazing results? Most of these people didn't even look like themselves anymore in the after photos. The nutritionist, Katt, soon alleviated my nervous condition. She was calming as she went through the office, introducing me to staff and showing me around. I watched a video and was shocked to see how beautiful my surgeon is. She's young and bright, and I had even more confidence after hearing her speak about the surgery and program at this center. The nutritionist was patient and answered my list of questions -- she's also young and bright and attractive -- I know I'm going to be receiving quality, up-to-date information and guidance. She showed me the size of meals -- a bit shocking, but I know others have done this, so I should be able to do the same. I will be attending 2 nutrition courses that should also answer a lot of questions. The hardest part so far was getting on the scales and getting measured --- I wonder if this will ever be a pleasant thing as I lose the weight. We'll see.

3/5/08 - It's my 59th brithday today. Ready for a new life. "Step-Step-Step-Step . . . .This old song I learned as a small child in church keeps coming to mind through this process. There are so many steps to take. I can almost hear the kid on the playgrounds taunting me as he picked up a stick and drew a line in the dirt, "Now, cross this one!" Well, guess what, I did cross the next line. I've turned in all the paperwork to the weight loss center, met with the psychologist (uneventful, cordial and routine, a lot of paperwork), and have an appointment set with the nutritionist on March 7. Now I feel like I'm getting somewhere. I'm meeting real people in person who can answer some questions. Feels good!