WhimsicalChimera
I've never been thin a day in my life. From my baby pictures until now, it's been nothing but chubbiness or down right fat. I had to quit working in 2015 because my daily pain level combined with a high-stress working environment was too much for me to handle anymore. I immediately filed for disability and am still waiting on the outcome for that. In the meantime, however, I was able to be put on Medicaid and start being seen by a primary doctor. She referred me out to a pain specialist. I started with his office in May and was told that in order to stay in compliance with his 'regulations', I would have to see him monthly for pain control meds; a psychiatrist for my bipolar manic depression & anxiety issues; physical therapy for my knees, hips, and backs; a dietician to begin learning how to eat normally; and be referred out to a weight loss clinic where I would have the choice of 3: surgery, OptiFast meal plan, or good old fashioned hard work.
Well, I've tried the hard work thing so many times in my life I couldn't even tell you how many. The only time I ever "succeeded" was in 2011-2013 when I dropped 93lbs (down from 365lbs) using MyFitnessPal. After awhile, though, I got burnt out. It was hard to keep up with everything I had going on at the time (including a terminally ill parent and a my own divorce while attending college full-time and working full-time) and I just quit. I ended up gaining back 80lbs of the original 93. Oh, I would log into MFP and promise myself I was going to do better and get back on track..until I had a day where I made a bad choice and I let the guilt eat me alive. Rather than hold myself accountable and learn from that choice, I just kept making bad choices and gave up all together. I still don't know how I managed to essentially maintain my weight between 340-350 for well over a year.
The point I am trying to make here is that my pain specialist is doing everything he can to help me and I appreciate it so much. Were it not for him, I wouldn't have just had my first appointment with the weight loss clinic and told them that after attending the seminar, I would like to have the vertical sleeve surgery.
I'm scared. I'm scared of the surgery. I'm scared of looking like my mother did when she had the gastric bypass done in the late 70s. I'm scared of looking in the mirror and seeing nothing but loose skin like I accidentally saw of my mother-in-law once when I visited. I'm scared that losing 150lbs or more will change my marriage, my friendships, and relationships with other family. I'm scared to be thin. I've never known any different.
My mother-in-law had the gastric done in 2002 and the last I saw of her, she still looks damned good for her age - loose skin forgotten, this woman looks amazing. My husband and I also have a close friend who had it done 5 years ago and my own cousin just took the plunge 8 weeks ago and has already lost 60lbs. So it's not like I don't have a support system or know people who have had it done. I do. just don't know what to expect or how to feel about it. At this point, I just know that I have a niece and nephew who are the most precious human beings ever to walk this planet and I want to be around to see them succeed. My niece, age 11 and in middle school, plays softball and is being scouted by high school teams. She wants to be a biochemical engineer (or something like that) and cure cancer, diabetes, Multiple Sclerosis, etc. Her brother, age 6 and in 1st grade, is possibly the sweetest and most loving child. He is the first boy in my mother's line of the family in over 120 years, so I firmly believe he is destined for greatness. I want to see these kids grow up and become the people they dream of being. I'm doing this for myself, yes, but it's more so for them. Everyone in my family died young and I am not ready to kick the bucket any time soon!!
About Me
Before & After
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