Alexis H.

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I am trying to understand myself.. my behavior..Why did I let the fat girl back in??  I am struggling with this very much!  I keep telling myself to get on track.  You did it before so you can do it again.  But then the devil gets to me and says that I did do it and how was it worth it cause look where it got you now!  How do I get the mean fat girl in my head to go away?  The hubs still see's me for me and tells me I am still sexy - as he is losing the weight and looking great!  He is doing it all on his own. I am gaining weight by the day!

I know I am in a no win situation between the Lithium that I take that makes me gain weight, and losing the weight.  If I stop the meds my bipolar gets out of control and hurts my family.  If I keep it I gain weight and then I am upset and depressed with myself.  What do I do??  I know I have to think of me, and that is why making that decision is for me.  Keeping my moods stable is SOOOO important to me, I feel better and life is better.  But losing the weight is very important as well.  I am again struggling with my body, my headaches, my vision.. all the reasons I had the surgery.  

I could make all of the excuses in the world and try to justify the predicament that I am in, but at the end of the day it is still my fault and there is no else or no other thing to blame but myself.  It is sad to think that I am the only person that is holding myself back.  It is easy enough to say.. Eat better.  Exercise more. Use the tools that you have available to you.  My family will eat just about anything that I fix, there is a gym at the new apartment complex that I moved into, I have dogs that need walked, an 8 year old that needs to be active - that I make sure he is active in karate and soccer.  Why is this so freak-in hard for me to get a grasp on??  UGHHHH....

So ... What do I do??  I need help, but where do I start again to make that fat girl stop telling me I failed?  I am hoping that this will be a start.. If I can come here and chat.. if I can come here and write my thoughts in a blog.. if I could get others to respond.. maybe that will help me to be accountable to myself.  Who knows in the long run maybe my experiences will help someone else, and my journey will not be done all on my own!

Well here we go... It has been so long since I have been on here that I am not sure where to start.  I was doing really good, but now is a different story all together.  I have moved, I have lost weight, I changed my meds to help with the stress of my bipolar, I gained weight.  I have more stress.. I gained even more weight.  I up'd my meds..I gained more weight.  I have been so busy with my son after we adopted him with behavioral problems that it seems I never have time for me.. SO.. I gain more weight.  During all of this I kept going in to the doctor to adjust my band.  However the stress and the weight gain caused the restriction to be so tight that I couldn't even get water down.  At this point have less than 3cc in my band.  When I moved to Denver November 2009 I was down to 160lbs and in a size 10/12.  I felt good, looked good.  Now.. I am 218 and in a size 16/18 - and those are tight.  I am so depressed I cant hardly get up every day.  I have no support in the weight loss area.  There was support groups, however my doctors office had so many changes, and they stopped all outside groups. If I want to go to a group I have to go to the hospital downtown.

I guess a low point was when I went to my hormone doctor (yep I have issues there also that is not helping with my weight control) and in the 2 1/2 months between visits with her I gained 26 pounds and the doctor told me that I had to gain control of my excessive weight gain.

Where do I start??  I guess I have to start at the beginning like I am starting the surgery process all over again.  So I guess I am saying... I'M BACK!!

Well friends...  I made it one year.  Holy cow!!  I am a huge mix of emotions on that subject.  It has not been without a huge array of ups and downs.  I have lost almost 100 pounds..if you count what I started with loosing before surgery I am down 100+.  That feels good, but with set backs it is also frustrating to go backwards in my health.  I continue to battle headaches - they came back after a few months, and all anyone can say is that I need to lose more weight... ARGGH!  So I will keep plugging away at it until I get to my goal.  I still look in the mirror and see the old me, and it is not until I look at my old pictures or see someone that I have not seen in a long time that I can step back and realize how far I have come.

On a very good note, my husband and I are getting close to the end of a road to adopting a child.  After years (we started in 2004) of looking at our options, asking a million questions, and making sure that we are ready for that kind of commitment, we decided, and now we have a child that we are hoping to hear very soon that he will be ours! That will help with the work out..a 6 year old boy that is very active!  I have the first time mom jitters!

Until next time........

Well friends..I am so close to my goal but I am afraid I will not make it.  I still have 2-3 pounds to go to be under 200 which is how I wanted to start 2009.  But I only have today and tomorrow, and I just feel like it will not happen.  I am slow at losing right now, which I am OK with.  It has been fast the last 7 months, so this is OK with me.  I am happy with the progress I have made this year.  88 pounds is NOTHING to sneeze at, and all of the other stuff that I have gained is priceless.

I plan on starting the new year with great expectations and goals to achieve good things.  I will not let myself down, and will do my best to be a good friend, a good wife, daughter, and sister.  Thanks to everyone that supports me....that is why I have come so far, and the reason for what my hubby is calling my new glow.

Until I come up with my new years resolutions...................

I guess it is about time that I post an update.  I am still plugging away.  I am almost at goal for the year, so I am pretty happy about that.  My hubby had to point out that even if I don't make it to be under 200 I made a huge accomplishment, and that no matter what I should be proud.  I am proud, but dang I want it so bad.  I do not normally set goals for myself because I usually let myself down and feel like a failure, or like what I have done is not enough.  This is something that I don't want to go part way on.  It is the rest of my life, and I am looking at the future and all of the things that I can be doing, and that makes me really happy.  A few really great things have happened to me this month that I would like to share:

I went to the eye doctor this week, and the swelling is down on my optic nerves, and I again get a new prescription!  YEAH!!!!!   He says that I still have a ways to go yet which means there is still more improvement to come, but it is all very promising.  He said that my eyes look the best that they have ever looked and he thinks I am doing a great job.  This also makes me happy because it has done wonders for my headaches.  I have gone from having them everyday to only a couple of times a month!  Now when I have them not only do they piss me off and make me really crabby (which by the way I don't need) I am left wondering why I put up with it for so long, and how I managed to get through my days.  It is amazing what we can do when we don't have a choice.

Twice in one day I was complimented at work.  Once was from a customer that has been so supportive of my surgery...he called me skinny and asked how my day was.  Seems small, but caught me off guard and made me feel really good.  Then right after a complete stranger came in to do some business with us, and as he was leaving had to walk past my desk and tell me I was gorgeous.  Men that are not my husband don't look at ME!  Much less call me beautiful!   Then the next week walking through a store with my husband before a party at our house a man stopped us and told me I was beautiful.  I know that it is normal to have compliments, but it is so new to me that I am having to learn to take them. 

I do think this sums up everything for now.....more to come.

Hello all...This is a first for me.  I don't really put myself out there for the world, but as with the rest of this "journey" it is about taking the steps to be a new, hopefully better person.  I have decided today that I have no more excuses.  I have to make this work for me, not anyone else.  I can't continue to make it OK to put mu needs last.  I am a strong woman on the outside, but I know when I need to ask others for help. 

Just got home from the gym.  I try to go at least twice a week.  I have a couple of people that are signed up to go with me, but bless my best friend Misty cause she always shows up.  We all have things that we want to work for.  For me it is weight loss and for her it is a baby.  I know that I could not do it without her.  She drives me to do better and supports me in my struggles.  It is just hard for her to understand all of this, but bless her for trying.  It is only something that people that have had the surgery understands.  I am hoping that with my new knowledge with this web site that I will be able to get a grip on what I need to do, make new friends, and lose that weight. 

So here's to me and my journey.  I will keep in touch with all of you!