Allecia
Hello Everyone,
My name is Allecia* (*names have been changed to protect everyone). I have been heavy (I can't use the "f" word - my denial in action) what feels like all of my life. When I look back in pictures, I totally don't look overweight. But I remember battling the scale always. And the clothes rack. I remember thinking that now I'm a size 13 (yeah, wouldn't I like to be *that* size again!) I have to stop here. And I was in high school at that time! I've always been big; tall (5'9"), big boned and very strong (stronger than most guys). I am one sturdy lady! (Another one of my issues; I don't feel feminine. Not sure I ever did...) I'd have made a good farmers wife! But, looking back, I wasn't fat. I was very active as a kid, and was always out and doing something. Riding my bike, walking here and there, playing at the park. I was very active. My parents were never really in to the sports thing, or any after school stuff so I never got involved in sports or anything. But I was still plenty active. Then I got married and started a much more sedentary lifestyle. I started to put on a few pounds. Then I got a job where I was HUGELY active for 12 hours a day. Well, that certainly kept the pounds off! But I still felt and was treated like I was fat. I mean I was big, but always seemed normally proportioned. I finally was able to leave that job, and got a job that was mostly sitting down. *Very* low active job. Holy cow did the pounds start adding up!!! But my home life was still sedentary. DH liked to be at home doing home things. Me, I always wanted to go out on hikes and riding bikes, and walking around town, and just getting out. But I don't like to do any of that alone, and I didn't know anybody who liked to do that sort of thing with me. It was disheartening. I finally just gave up. I developed into a home-body, and started to be happy with that. I guess you could say I was in a rut, but I had finally come to grips with that. Then, one day, DH decided he needed to change. (Long story there, too much to get in to here) and *he* started to get more active. I used to say that my weight never prevented me from doing anything I wanted to do. There's a prime example of my denial at work. :-) Anyway, once DH started to get active, I found that I couldn't keep up. And that was *not* normal. I was always the one who could keep up and would have to slow down for him. Not that it was about gloating or anything, that's just how it was. And now it wasn't. And now I didn't *want* to. I was finally at peace with being a home body. I kept telling him that he was too late. "You're too late" I'd tell him right to his face. I'm sure he got tired of hearing that, but I was so bitter. I mean, why couldn't he have done this 15 years ago?? Not that my getting heavy was his fault. I don't feel that way at all. (I think he does, though). I was perfectly capable of going out and doing what I wanted. I just don't like to do it alone. So, he started to get more active, which brought me to the realization that my weight *was* getting in the way of what I wanted to do. I am now so heavy that I feel like I am drowning in it. It scares me. I have high blood pressure, and sleep apnea - those scare me too. But why not enough to lose weight? My capacity for denial is strong, I guess. But I am so heavy now, it's HARD to get started. I mean, who wants to go walk with me for only 10 minutes? Even though I was always big, I never used to have a back problem. When heavy people would talk about their back hurting when they walked, that was never me. Until now. Until very recently. I needed to walk from my desk at work all the way across several buildings (where I work is very big) and my back hurt! My lower back hurt, and I didn't want to walk that far. That was scary. And very disheartening. :-( I feel so out of control. I find myself doing things and acting in ways that I used to find sad in others. And now I am doing them! I am so appalled at myself. Disgusted with myself. When you hear that losing 1-2 lbs a week is healthy and a good way to go, I just think of how many weeks it would take me to lose it all (years!!) I get so disheartened and don't even try.
I used to think that I would never have or want to have Gastric Bypass surgery. It was too invasive. I didn't want to give up certain foods forever. It was too much. Too much change, too restrictive. Now I am at the point where I want to change. I *need* to change. I am looking forward to the restrictions. I want to feel full after eating only 2 ounces of food! For me now, I can't stop with a tiny bit of food. I'm still hungry! There has been so many times that I wish I could just eat a dab of something and be done so I can go on to something else. So much of our lives is surrounded by the thinking about, preparing, and consumption of food. Sometimes all that just gets in the way. I want a tiny bit of something and then go about the rest of my day and not have to think about it. I am so addicted to food now, that I can't fathom (the way I am now) just only having a little bit. For one, I get the shakes and nauseated when I'm really hungry, and for another, it's an addiction with me. Imagine telling a heroine addict they can only shoot up once a day, and then only a quarter of what they are used to. Wouldn't that be hard? But once I am restricted, I really feel I can do it and be successful. Once I drop some weight, I'll be able to go out and do things with DH, and GET MY LIFE BACK.
A friend of mine a year ago had the Gastric Bypass surgery. She was one of those who hardly ever left her desk, had foot and knee problems, and (of course) was heavy. She is my inspiration, and my support person. She has lost over 120 lbs, and is looking SO GREAT. And, what's more, she is feeling great! I have watched her go through this, and I know can do it too. I know I can live that way. So, I have started investigating it for myself, and have been to the first meeting. I am getting all my medical files together to have faxed to their office, and scheduling the psychiatric appointment. I am excited about this journey. I have a good friend at work who has volunteered to be a support person with me (who is very thin and active. She is also my inspiration - she's always wanting me to do active stuff with her, and I want to be able to...) and we have started taking walks at work. I am a little embarrassed because we can only walk for like 15 minutes and it's veeeery slow, but she is patient with me and doesn't make me feel bad about being slow. So I have a lot of loving, supportive friends and family and I feel this is the right step for me. A very close friend of mine is having surgery very soon, and I am so excited for her!!! We'll be supportive for each other, and go through this together. I am happy and excited. I feel like there is hope (finally).
Well, this has certainly turned out to be quite the book. Thanks for taking the time to read all the way through. :-) Take care everyone. Good luck to us all on this journey.
{{{HUGS}}}
And this is the result of part of my jorney.......more to follow......
