Surgery in the morning

May 06, 2009

Wow, the day is here.  I can't believe how quickly the day arrived.  So, if there's anyone out there reading this that has a surgery date more than a month away, don't worry -- it will get here quickly!

All day I have felt a great deal of ambivalence.  I want to eat, eat, eat.  That's what I do when I'm stressed, anxious, nervous (or happy, sad, embarrassed)...or any emotion really.  I just want to eat so I don't have to deal with the emotion I'm feeling.  I couldn't eat today, so it was hard.  I keep going back and forth between excitement and fear.  I am excited to have surgery to finally get help conquering my weight issues.  Yet, I am fearful of many things.  I am reminded of the song The Rose by Bette Midler.  There is a profound verse in it that says:

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live

That describes me perfectly.  I don't know how to let go and live.  I remain inhibited by so many thoughts.  I'm afraid of how I'll look, what others think of me, of trying something and failing, and so on.  Whenever a positive thought enters my mind, a negative follow-up thought occurs that tears down the previous positive thought.  I don't know how to stop this cycle.  It's not like I want to think negative things.

Part of me thinks that I felt so beat down by my emotionally abusive father that I automatically tear myself down before anyone else has the chance.  And if I do receive criticism, I'm right there with a comeback.  It's like it's okay for me to tear myself down, but I don't want others to have that same opportunity.

I am glad I am having surgery.  But I'm fearful.  I'm afraid of not being able to eat.  I struggle internally with myself.  I crave certain foods like cheeseburgers, fries, mac & cheese, as well as salads, grilled chicken, and hummus.  This is going to be a completely different way of eating.  I think I am ready for it, but resistant because I've been entrenched in my poor habits for so long.

Today I made a photo collage of my baby, Amelia, entitled "My Motivation."  I'm taking it with me to the hospital.  I want to be here for her years from now.  I don't want to die a young death.  I want her to know that she is worth all this.  I am worth all this.  I keep focusing on Amelia and how much I want to be around for her.  But I want to be around for me too.  I want to be part of a happy family and hopefully have more children someday.  I want to teach my children the value of activity and proper nutrition, regardless of their propensity for a certain size.  Some people are just chunkier than others.  I was a chunky kid, but by no means fat.  But I was made to feel very fat and starved myself at 11 years old to please my mom and doctor.  They didn't care that I starved myself.  They just cared that I lost 30 pounds in month.  In fact, I passed out one day during my starvation phase and no one once thought, "Hey this girl is not eating."  I want to teach my children that exercise and proper nutrition are the building blocks of a healthy life.  Sure, it's nice to be an ideal weight -- but sometimes our bodies have a mind of their own.

So, that is it.  I am having surgery in less than 10 hours.  I'll post a post-op update!

Shannon

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