April1013
Fat Girl Angry Moment...
May 25, 2009
So I have read a lot of blogs and talked to a lot of people who have had the surgery and said that they get angry about the way people treat them now that they are smaller. I really feel for these people, especially when it is your family and closest friends who are doing it to you. It makes me so thankful for my friends and family because I KNOW they love and accept me for me as I am now. Every person who really matters to me has been so supportive of the surgery. Even some of my closest friends who were against it at first for the risk, and the fact that they thought I didn't need it, have become my biggest supporters.And though I don't for-see being treated any differently by friends and family, stranger on the other hand are my concern..specifically men.
Last Thursday night I went out with my best girl friend and 5 other friends who are all guys. I have known these guys for years, and they are good people. We are all having fun, drinking and dancing and my girl friend is off talking to a guy so I am just hanging with all the guys. I guess they consider me, just "one of the guys" because they were talking about girls bodies and commenting on girls that walked by. I mean I not naive on how men think. But to hear it come out of the mouths of men that I respect and consider "good guys" was a little disconcerting. I was especially offended when one of them told me "all I'm looking for is a girl with a nice ass and brains". Though it seems like an innocent comment I really took offense to it because I feel like what if exactly what your looking for isn't in the package that you want it?? I guess I took it even more personally because him and I have always had this cute flirtatious relationship. We have a lot of the same interest and can talk for hours, but it has never progressed further than that. And I'm wondering if its' because of the body that I'am in, that is stopping him from pursuing me more.
So as the night continued I went to the dance floor with my closest guy friend (who has a g/f) And we are both just dancing and having fun. And I'm noticing the girls that he is dancing with are.....hmmm, how can I say this nicely...just ugly. Not cute, not dressed cute, but they all have one thing in common....the BOOTY! I swear to God a nice ass will do terrible things to a man! And my friend is all over these girls like they were the best thing ever! And I hate to sound conceited but I just think it's fucked up that these ugly girls are getting more attention than I am, and I'm prettier!!! Like, it really makes me angry! Especially when I am drinking, I just get so disgusted. And what set me off that night, was the fact that it was MY FRIENDS that were disgusting me. I know they are men, but I just hold them to a higher esteem.
So I got so angry that I just had to leave the club and I told them that I would wait for everyone at the car. And as I am walking out there is a huge group of guys standing by the entrance (as it is about 20 minutes to close), and as I'm walking by they are calling out to me, "hey baby", "can I go with you" and all sorts of stupid shit, and I literally could have burst into tears at that moment. So the entire night at the club, no one approached me, no one bought me a drink or started up a conversation with me, but when it's time to leave, you want to try and talk to me?? I guess the fat girl is only good for things that happen in the dark. It just makes me sick! So I'm walking to the car and I get in and just bawl my eyes out. And I call one of my other best friends and I'm just yelling how that when I get skinny I'm gonna do this and that, and I'm going to never talk to these people anymore and I'm gonna be the shit and then I'm gonna play all the guys like they do me...and she was like "April, these are not reasons you should want to be skinny...." And she was right, but at that moment I really understood what people say in these blogs about feelings of anger. I haven't even experienced it yet because I haven't had surgery, but I can already tell that it is going to be an issue for me. I understand and respect that not every man is into a plus size women,but damn't I 'm a good person! I'm smart and funny and caring, and it sucks that they won't even bother to find that out until my outsides match my insides.
Those feelings that night really scared me, and I was really just ashamed of myself for letting strangers get to me like that. But I'm realizing that this is going to become more of a reality as Iose weight. I hope that I can learn to accept that people are going to react differently to me, and not become angry about it, but I don't know if I will be able to. I recognize the fact that I might need to see a counselor, and I am not ashamed of that. Only time will tell how things will be for me. I am so excited for the surgery and I can't wait. And it's crazy because I have no fear about the surgery itself. My only fear is about how the surgery might change me and my personality. As much as I try to hide it, I am unhappy with myself. No amount of nice clothes or makeup or men that hit on you can validate a person. I need to learn to be happy with me.....and I'm hoping that the surgery will help me with this.
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About Me
West Bloomfield, MI
Location
40.8
BMI
Surgery
06/30/2009
Surgery Date
Feb 03, 2009
Member Since
