aprilflowers
2 year anniversary
Jan 12, 2014
I can't believe I made it 2 years! It's been a wonderful 2 years with some ups and downs.
I still will not eat refined sugar, chips, any kind of pop, caffeine, anything deep fried or battered, or most types of fast food or junk food. I eat every 3 hours, obey the protein/carb ratio and have made some very very healthy choices. I work out 4-5 times a week, 2-3 of those workouts being a bootcamp fitness class (ouch!) However, there is a lot of anxiety. I am still unsure of how many calories to eat. I aim for 1000, but some days I am just so hungry I cannot obey that amount. I still measure all my food (except when I eat out) and obey the 30-60min rule of drinking after a meal. However on a daily basis I am plagued with certain thoughts
"Am I eating too much?
"Am I eating too little?"
"Should I relax?"
"am I already 'letting myself go'"
"am I throwing it all away?"
To be 300lbs takes a certain level of delusion. To be okay with being over 300lbs you have a line of thinking that makes it okay to eat what you're eating and to not be losing weight. So now I am afraid I have reverted back.
I hit 167 in the summer and was thrilled! (I haven't been 167 since I was in grade 6). I got a teaching job in September so I was unable to workout as I was swamped with work. I maintained all month. In October I joined a bootcamp and began working out again and gained 3lbs over october and november. 3lbs may not seem like a lot, but it's very upsetting. I went home for Christmas. I had a few SF chocolates, ate more hummous than I should have, drank more wine than I should have, didn't work out. I weighed myself before leaving and I gained 10lbs over the holidays! So I'm 180lbs! My clothes are tight and I hate myself.
So yes, I have come a long way since my 2 year surgery, but I have a ways to go. The daily struggle of what to eat and what to think is never going to go away. Unforuantely i have no bariatric support. I moved away from my home province, the closest bariatric centre won't see me unless it's an emergency. I'm only home for Christmas, when the WLS centre is closed. So I have no bariatric support and that I believe should change.
I am still chronically single. Before I got the surgery I joked that I'd have so many boyfriends I'd have to beat them off with a baseball bat. Untrue. I haven't had a companion in 6 years and the loneliness can be overwhelming. I get a lot more attention from men, everyone is nicer to me because of my size (sickening eh?) but I still cannot find a relationship.
I'll try and post more blogs.
Take Care,
April
