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Apr 25, 2007

4-8-10    five year surgery anniversary. Still fat and still dealing with infertility. Depressed. Not where I thought I would be in 5 years when this dream started. I don't blame the surgery I blame me so don't let this post scare you away if you are thinking of surgery. I know I can still be a success, I still have the tool. I just need to make that choice and get it together.


4-4-10   Only 4 more days and it will be 5 years since I had WLS. I am still on OH some but not as much as I had been in the past. I can't say surgery was a success and I am not proud of myself. I remember someone asking me that if the weight loss after surgery did not "cure" the infertility how would I handle it and I told her I would be fine and that at least I knew I tried my best to be able to have another baby however that has not been the situation. I am a mess. I have no idea what I weigh and no idea how much I have gained back but I am probably close to pre-surgery weight. I am still dealing with anger a lot and hate to see a pregnant lady or baby. I am so full of envy. I am a full coke classic addict again and drink several cans a day. I eat too much. I am on several medications again. I have no energy and I am more tired daily than I ever was before surgery. I now work 60 to 80 hours a week to pay for infertility medical bills.
I know I am very very blessed to have one wonderful daughter and I treasure her daily. I just wanted more. Emily is now 18 and will be headed to college soon. I lost many dogs and a cat to old age in the last few years. I have 3 "fur kids" left(Madison in the profile photo with me, Dini, and Dingo). Hubby and I will celebrate our 20th anniversary in December of this year. I am very blessed and happy with everything except my weight. I still wonder at times though where I would be now if the infertility had disappeared after surgery and I was blessed again. It was my only goal from WLS. Sorry for sounding so depressing.
2010........January....the year my "baby" Emily graduates from high school and the year that I get it back together and stop being so angry and depressed over something(infertility) that I can not change. I started this weight loss surgery journey in April 2005 and it's time I finished. I have no idea how much I have gained back nor what I weigh. I know I had lost 152 lbs when I quit caring and quit trying and I know I still have the tool to do it again.

1-18-09     I am back. I am now almost 42 years old and April of this year will be my 4 year surgery anniversary. I had to edit my profile some because it was so long and would not accept anymore. It has been a long time since I last posted anything.  I had a pity party for a long time and dealt with infertility the only way I know how to deal with sad emotion, eating.  I have been angry, emotional, depressed, sad, moody, etc.... I would have happy moments when I would think that I am pregnant again finally but would be worse than before when I would find out it's not true. I fully admit I gained a lot of weight back. I am doing ok now and finally getting my to life.  I have taken control of my eating and given up coke classic. I am losing once again.  I still want to reach my goal weight. I went back to attending support meetings too so that will help. I did everything I could to have a second child but apparently that is not my life plan. I had my surgery at 421 pounds. I am back up to 338 pounds. I hate typing that number. In my heart I will always want more children and it will always been in the back of my mind but right now my focus is weight loss again and not infertility. We went through all of the adoption/foster care program but never received a call. Apparently they are not as desperate for good homes as they claim. I have not given up waiting but think I will be 80 years old and too old before they finally call. I still think WLS is great and I don't regret it. I still have my "tool" for weight loss I just need to put the right foods and liquid in it rather than coke classic, chocolate, and cheetos. My enemy the three c's.
1-24-09  I went back to my old friend, Weight Watchers, to take off the weight I gained back plus the 80 lbs that I still had to reach my goal. I can't do it alone and needed help. I did well and lost 7 pounds the first week so now I only have 136 to reach my goal rather than 143. Each pound down is a good pound. I am trying to stay positive and be happy. My goal is 12 pounds each month for 12 months so I am doing well so far. 
3-26-09 I am now 42 as of 2 days ago. I did well with the eating for a while and then quit. I have been back to re-join WW twice since then. I so often wonder what is wrong with me and ask myself why I can't do this. It was so easy right after surgery. I am mad that I let myself gain any weight. I am dealing with a pinched siatic nerve. I have a low tolerance for pain so that makes it worse. I still log onto the post-op pregnancy board some but seeing all those pregnant ladies hurts. I feel alone in this journey. I have tried lately to focus on me and enjoy life rather than be angry about infertility. My family is a big Air Supply fan. We went to their concert in SC and FL recently. Hubby and I are taking a trip to see another one this summer while leaving Emily with my mom for a few days. We need time to be a couple and remember married life and not infertility married life.
I have a card in my purse for a local fitness center that is giving a discount of $20 a month for a family of three for one year. I know what I need to do and I know the right way to eat I just struggle with it and can't make myself do either. My motivation is gone. Help!
5-2-09     Still around and still not motivated. I just don't care about weight loss anymore. When I thought weight loss would help me over come infertility it was easy to lose and stay motivated but now I just don't care. As a reminder I had WLS only for this reason. I am a very bitter, depressed, and angry person. I spend a lot of time in the post op pregnancy board and it hurts so much every time I see someone post a new pregnancy message. Myself and a couple other ladies have been on the TTC(trying to conceive) weekly Friday post for a very  very long time now and it seems so many others have joined, graduated to the pregnancy board, had their baby, and moved on while we remain there. I know that I am so very lucky to have over come infertility and been blessed with one child after many years of struggle to have her but it still hurts to want another child so much and not have that option. I deal with secondary infertility and get treated different than those with primary infertility. I feel like I don't belong because I was lucky to have one child. We spent a lot of money on infertility treatments and now deal with those bills each month and did not get our baby as a reward. We gave up on adoption. The system SUCKS. If your rich and can adopt a baby privately then there is hope but if you don't have money then it is useless. I am sure I will make a few readers mad by saying this but oh well. We have an extra room all ready, time, love, the desire, etc...for another child but those running the system are so unorganized that it is useless to waste your time. We have given up all hope and don't ever expect the 'big" call from them telling us to come get our new child.
I have dealt with pain in my lower back/hip/right leg/knee/ankle area for about 14 years now on and off. I would always go to a chiropractor to get an adjustment and be fine for months. In Feb 2009 just after Valentines Day it started hurting again. I went for my usual chiropractor treatments and kept going back. No matter what he did this time the pain would not go away. He finally told me that I need to see my regular doctor for an X-ray and/or MRI to see what's going on. To sum up a long story I did have both test and was told I have arthritis in my spine, a pinched nerve, and that in lumbar region one to four I have degenerative bone/disc disease. Basically the pain is because all the gel like stuff between the disc in my spine is gone and I now have bone rubbing bone and bone rubbing nerve. It will never go away and will only get worse as I age. I have been on strong pain medications for a few weeks now to help until I can be refered to a specialist. I have been told that I can get shots in my back called nerve blockers that will help eliminate the pain but have been battling insurance to get them to pay after being told it was not medically necessary. After several weeks insurance  finally decided it was ok to have the shots but now I have the wait to deal with still because the doctor that I was sent to has a 3 week wait and that appointment is only a visit to evaluate me and decided what treatment is best for me. I have no idea how long after that first visit I will have to wait before actually getting the shot. I am hoping the shots will work. I have lots of questions for the doctor. I was told different things such as the shot is given once every 3 months for life plus I was also told no that was not true and that you could only have this shot 3 times in a life time so wondering what is true.  I have also heard that it steriod based . I continue to try on my own each month for a pregnancy even though we no longer use the services of the infertility doctor due to cost but after the shot treatments start I may have to stop and give up that dream fully depending on what is in the shot because it may not be good for pregnancy and baby.
I  was told to try and register for a warm water arthritis class at a local pool but when I checked all the classes are in the morning around 11am and I have a job so those won't work. I don't understand why they don't have evening classes. Not all people that have arthritis are older and retired. I did go to the same pool place and paid to just swim and stretch in the same warm pool that the classes are held in and it felt nice. I hope to keep going back.
I never got rid of old habits and drown my misery and depression in coke classic and junk food.
I am still working my regular 40 hour job each week to pay bills and to have any extra emergency or fun money I am still working my other job on the weekends. I work from 6am to 6pm on Sat or Sun and some weekends both days. I am depressed, sad, miserable, bitter, exhausted, burned out, angry, in pain, unhappy, etc......this is not how I hoped my life would be when I was a child growing up and dreaming.
If you have read this far, thank you for caring. I would like to crawl out of this hole of life that I am in but just can't do it. Life is too difficult and it is easier to hide in here and just poke my head out once and a while.
6-21-09
It's been a few weeks since I last posted so thought I would update.
I have now had 3 nerve block injections and they have helped but have not completely taken the pain away. My pain before on a one to ten was a twelve and now it stays about a four. I can sleep and sit now and do ok but walking I can not do well and can only walk a short distance.  It is a struggle to do basic things like grocery and Walmart shopping, forget shopping for fun anymore by walking both local malls.  My primary doctor is in the process of getting insurance approval to get me a wheel chair to use as needed. I am scheduled to return to the specialist on the 25th and the next treatment being considered is to burn the nerve with a laser. I am rather nervous about this but willing to do anything to get the pain to a zero and be able to walk again. I am trying to be hopeful.
I was so excited about our upcoming trip in July and also our cruise with my mom and aunt in September but now worry about how I will get around with all the walking that is required.
When I eat or drink anything it washes the pain medication out of the pouch and being that I am limited on pain medication I watch my food and drink intake so the medication will not pass through and will absorb and have lost several  pounds which is the only good thing that has come from this illness.  I still have about 100 lbs to lose to reach my goal but I am better than I was a few months ago.
We are still on the adoption list but on hold until we see what happens with my medical future. I have given up ever trying to have another baby myself. Now my dream is to hope for grandkids from my one daughter and babies to love from my two nephews when they marry later in life and the hope is that I will be well enough to enjoy them. Wow, time has sure changed my life and dreams. I still dream of reaching my goal weight too.
My grandmother also had the same bone disease and also the arthritis in her spine. She was never over weight and weighed about 100 lbs most of her adult life. I get so angry when people tell me that I got it because I was overweight my whole life.  My doctor says that the weight probably did not help it but it also did not cause it.

7-26-09    It's been a while since I last posted again so I thought I would try and type a few words.
I am doing ok. It took a while before all 3 nerve block injections began to really work but I am doing 99% better finally. I had given up all hope and thought that I would be in pain or living off medication for life. As long as I don't do a lot of walking or standing for a long amount of time I am fine. I am fully off all pain medications and no longer having to keep ice packs on my leg. I can have 3 nerve block injections each year for life as I need them.
We are not currently fully trying to have another baby and had given up all hope after I received this medical diagnosis but maybe we can try again in the next month or so. I will be 43 in March so we really are on a time issue. The doctor advised that any past or future nerve block injections will not hurt the baby if I get my miracle and become pregnant.
infertility is very stressful and we need a little break before trying again.
My hubby totaled our vehicle recenlty, not really his fault as someone dropped and left a huge chunk of concrete in the middle of the road that he hit, and we were finally able to buy a used car yesterday. We at one time had 6 dogs and 1 cat (our fur kids) but due to age and illness we now only have 2 dogs. I took my poodle most recently and had him put to sleep at age 16. I miss all of them a lot. My 2 remaining dogs are both young, age 2 and 3, so hopefully we have a long time left to enjoy them.
We are still traveling as much as our budget will allow. I love to hunt for bargin trips. I always remember how my grandparents never traveled any where and saved all their money their whole life. They lived on a tight budget and invested wisely so as soon as he retired they could travel and enjoy the world. He retired and 6 months later he died. She had all the money they saved but no one to travel with. It was sad. Life can be too short and I want to do just the opposite and travel as much now as I can. We just recently went to Mississippi to see another concert of our favorite group, Air Supply. They are great and this trip was extra special because we got to meet the group afterwards in the VIP lounge. We were able to get their autographs and chat with them. On the drive there hubby also bought a few dollar scratch off lottery tickets and we won $500 on one. We are looking forward to our next weekend trip and our cruise with my mom and aunt.
Only time will tell what our future holds. My weight is still an issue even after having WLS. If you have read my full profile"book it seems" you know that I had the surgery only to be able to over come infertility and when that did not work it really hurt my desire to lose weight. I have dealt with sadness, anger, stress, infertility bills, grief, hope, etc....I still have weight to lose and it is a daily struggle. I have moments that I do well and decide to start eating correctly again and to once again exercise but those moments never seem to last. Just like before surgery I have joined Weight Watchers a zillion times. I lose a few pounds and quit. I still have the pouch and it will only hold a small amout of food but I continue to put the wrong foods in it and have learned that if you follow the food with a liquid it will wash the food out and you can eat more. The liquid is usually coke classic too and not water. I know right from wrong but I still can't make myself fully change. I have stopped attending support meetings also. I still lurk on the "post op pregnancy" board a lot and I get so jealous. So many of my friends are so blessed and are having one baby right after another to complete their family. I am happy for them but also so envious. We won't even talk about adoption. Once again if you read my profile you know my thoughts on that. In my state it is hopeless unless you have a very large bank account. We have jumped through the thousands of hoops they wanted us to jump through, we have been approved, but we wait and wait and wait. The call never comes. 
 Emily with the music group Air Supply August 2009.



MY DREAM HOUSE
  
                              
 
          

421 pounds

  ********The red dress photo is July 2005 at the first annual formal dinner/dance with the baratric center. Second photo, wearing jeans for the first time in a long time. Third photo, a trip to the mountains of NC fall 2005. Black pants with the bear/moose vest as well as the jeans and fushia shirt is from our cruise to Alaska May 2006, I still have about 80 pounds to lose in these photos to reach my goal.********

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