Carrie B.
1-15-09 What a great week this has been. My birthday was Sunday the 11th and I went to Billings. I shopped and shopped. It was the first time in 8 years that I have had the ability to just browse through the stores because previously I had gotten so fat that I couldn’t stand for very long without getting really tired, my back hurting, and sweating profusely. I went to World Market and just looked at all of the awesome furniture, jewelry and bags. I was able to find lots of sugar free Torino syrups which will help to make my shakes taste lots better. I weigh 370 by my scale and 395 if Doctor Rohrer’s scale is 25 pounds higher. I am really seeing loss of inches and simple things like crossing my arms are so incredibly different. I am starting to get batwings which are pretty gross but it is part of the process. I went to Catharines while in Billings. The 5X are way too big. The 4X are big on top but since I am losing from the top down I still have this big hangy belly that looks so gross. I called my friend who had the surgery years ago, and she assured me that this goes away. I am feeling lots of little aches and pains and really feel it when I sit at my desk for long periods of time, especially in my hips and across my back. I have been on a plateau for three weeks and I think it finally broke yesterday. I hope I lose a ton of weight this time before the next one. I have been eating much healthier. I usually have a protein shake for breakfast and some sort of soup or meat and fruit for lunch. Dinner is either the same as lunch or a shake. Sometime during the day I eat some almonds, but never more than 24 as that is the recommended daily allowance lol. My boss gave me the prettiest butterfly necklace for my birthday. It is awesome and she said I am like the butterfly emerging from my cocoon. I bought myself a Wii and Wii Fit for my birthday. I cant wait until my weight is low enough that I can use the 330 pound scale and all of the components that go with it. Where to start. I have been heavy all my life but after I had babies in 1996 and 1998 I really packed on the weight. I was 303 when my first son was born and probably 350 when my second son was born. I then and worked my way past 350 then 400 then holy snikies when I weighed for my first doctor's appointment, I was 502. When did that happen? Last year in February I had gotten to 400 and I gained a hundred pounds in a year. I have gained and lost 100 pounds 5 times in the last few years. I have been trying to have the surgery since July 11, 2002 and was told that my insurance had an exclusion. During this time of waiting, I completed my Bachelors degree and earned my license as a Licensed Addictions Counselor. I figured it was a good field as I had so much experience. For the last 12 years I have worked at a juvenile correctional facility, first as a Correctional Officer and now as a counselor. I realize that many people that weigh as much as me can't work. I have tons of medical problems but I show up every day 1-15-09 What a great week this has been. My birthday was Sunday the 11th and I went to 
. I found out in August of last year that our insurance was going to cover the surgery so I began the process of getting ready. There were several hoops to jump through but I have been so ready to do this for so long that I just thought of it as a process and pushed forward. I have tons of medical issues and loads of more things to say about my journey and if anyone would like to speak to me I would love to hear from you.
2-14-09-Let's see, where do I start. Well I now weigh 372 for a total weight loss of 131. I feel great and I am doing more and more. I started walking with my son this week. We are doing 4 laps a day at the college. On Thursday I even ran a little. It is the first time in 15 years that I have been able to run. I get pretty sore during the process, but it is a good kind of sore. The other thing I noticed is that my knees dont hurt when I walk down stairs now. That is awesome. I feel really good about myself and everything that is going on. I wish the weight would just melt away, but I guess in a sense it is. I have really worked to pray everyday and say thanks for this gift. It has been cool because several times people have not recognized me in the last few days. I still want to be below 300 by May 1st. That is 72 more in 2.5 months. I dont know if I can make it, but I figure as long as I am moving in that direction, I am on the right path.
06-29-08-Holy snikies-two weeks from tomorrow is D-day. So today was really D-day because I started the pre-surgery diet. I did really well for about two months low-carbing prior to surgery but when I got the insurance approval a week ago I started this huge binge of last meals. How rediculous, I know that someday I will be able to eat certain foods again but I some how convinced myself that I deserved it. Pretty funny since I am an addictions counselor huh. I guess the cool part is I am able to recognize where I am at and where the feelings are coming from. I am mentally prepared for surgery, if they called and said come tomorrow, I would be like...pack the car honey!!! lol. This pre-surgery diet thing is a good idea on so many levels, including mental preparation.
I talked to both of my sons today about how strong and courageous they are. I work with so many damaged boys at the correctional facility where I work. So many of them have lost a parent and I feel that they have no direction. After losing their brother in February, I worry about them if something bad happens. I keep reminding them of how amazing they are and how much their dad and I love them. Joseph told me today that no matter what happens, he knows that I am doing this for all the right reasons. He is so amazing for an 11 year old. Sometimes, I think his faith is greater than even mine. I can't wait to be the mom that gets out there with them and experiences life instead of sitting and watching from the side lines.
7-3-08 Day 4 surgery diet. I am doing ok I feel. I struggle with the protein but found a way to get it down. I do much better if it is blended with ice. I didn't work today, I worked for my husband who manages a waste management company. I answered the phones all day and it was busy busy busy. The date is getting closer and I am getting more and more excited.
I figured while I am here and have time I would list my goals.
1. To complete the 14 day diet without giving in to my wants.
2. To stay on plan after surgery and not try to hurry the doctors orders.
3. To cross my legs
4. To shop in regular sized stores
5. To ride on an airplane without the seatbelt extender
6. To drive a smaller car and fit
7. To take my kids somewhere and ride all the rides
8. To go to the mall and walk all over and see everthing without looking for a place to sit every five minutes
9. To wear my shirt tucked in and not look terrible
10. To be on top...lol
11. To be smaller than my mom and sister
12. to sit in any restaurant booth
13. To have a pannectomy
14. To wear cute girlie shoes
15. To wear necklaces and bracelets
16. To not be a sweaty mess everytime I have to walk around somewhere
17. To drastically lower the amount of medication I take
18. To journal my food daily in Fit Day.
19. To write a book about my journey
20. To become a motivational speaker
21. To exercise daily and eventually run/walk a 5K
22. For people who didn't know me before to not know I have ever been fat.
23. To be able to touch any part of my body
09-05-2008 Update:
In way of an update: this is a response I gave to a person nervous about surgery. I figured I would paste here too to let everyone know what has been going on for the last two months:
I was supposed to have surgery July 14th. I started this journey about 5 or 6 years ago but I work for the State of Montana and they have an iron clad ademnity (sp) clause. I found out last August that they were picking the benefit up in January but you had to do a six month program called Why Weight. I jumped through all the hoops and got insurance approval in June, 2008. I started the presurgey diet June 30th and then got a phone call from my doctor three days before surgery. They said that the insurance did not have proof of a six month doctor supervised diet in the last two years and because of that I could not have surgery. I was diagnosed with diabetes in October of 2006 and did a sixth month program through the hospital so I knew the documentation was there. I called my GP and had all the records faxed. I was told that was not good enough and that I needed to do a six month program. I was angry, sad, frustrated, disapointed, and especially RELIEVED. I said to myself...to heck with surgery I will do this on my own. Even though I have over 200 pounds to lose. Three says after I was supposed to have surgery I got a call from the benefits bureau of my insurance. They said...I had the six months of documentation but they wanted me to see a dietician three times and then I would be approved. I called my surgeon and the earliest I could reschedule surgery was October 13, 2008. So here it was July and I was still doing well on my diet. I thought, I don't need surgery becuase I am rocking at this. Quickly however, the old habits started again and at this point I am right back where I started. I feel trapped in this body and though I am disapointed that I would be almost 2 months out at this point, I am grateful I had those two months to really decide that this is what I want and I am ready to make the commitment necessary. I now have no regrets and I can't wait until October 13th. It is scarey, and this is major surgery. Follow your heart and your gut and do what is best for you.
09/29/08
Started the presurgery diet today. I tried the protein bullets and love them. Drank a bottle of Isopure though and think it is as gross now as it was last time. I just don't think it will be anything that I can gag down long term. I am not nervous or scared this time like I was in July. I think it will all go well.
10-18-08
Hi ya'll. Well it is over and I survived. It is Saturday and I got home on Wednesday. It was a crazy set of things getting to the surgery. We had a freak snow storm and my stepdaughter/friend got snowed in. I was so scared that I would not be able to get to Great Falls for surgery. My boss ended up giving me a ride. It was nail biting icy most of the 6 hour way. I had another friend who had the surgery several years ago take me to the hospital the next morning but ended up going into surgery all by myself. To tell you the truth I wasn't even scared. The nursing were amazing. They stayed right next to me as I went to sleep and I felt very loved and supported. The surgery ended up taking 3 hours because I am so heavy. 440 on the day of surgery. I carry all of the weight in my stomach. When I woke up in recovery I thought I was at work. Pretty weird huh! I was so glad that I had survived lol. I didnt realize til afterwards how much I anticipated something really bad happening For those of you who read this...I spent six years obscessing about all of the terrible things that might happen. It really was quite easy and not that terribly scarey. When I woke up the pain was a little bit intense. Probably about a 6 or 7. They start the morphine right away thought and it didnt take long at all for the pain to go away. I think I had more pain in my butt and still do from laying on the bed than I ever did from the surgery. I have 4 laproscopy holes and a 4 inch incision. I still have the drain in until tomorrow. When they tell you get as much weight as you can off prior, they are only trying to help. I was with two other girls, both quite a bit smaller than me and neither or them had to have the open part. I also had to have my gallbladder out. I knew I had stones so I was glad that Dr. Rohrer took it. I guess if I can say anything, it wasnt that bad. The drinking thing isnt that bad either and overall this was not too awful of an experience. Since I was 16 years old, every star I have wished on, every birthday candle I have blown out has been to wish that I would get a handle on this weight thing. I really feel blessed that I had the opportunity to do this and also that I now feel that if I use this tool the way it was intended that I will not constantly have to live in fear of being super morbidly obese until I die. I have hope now and it is a powerful feeling.
11-16-08
Tomorrow will be 5 weeks since surgery. I went to the doctor last Tuesday and he said that I have lost 63 pounds since I saw him May 7th. I feel really good but thought the weight would come off faster than it has. I think that for that last week or so I have hit a stall. I know that I need to incorporate exercise into my daily regimine and plan to do so starting today. I need to buy some new shoes and will get that done today or tomorrow. The ones I am wearing right now are pretty much shot for walking. I work with a personal trainer who said he would work with me for free because he wants to see me healthy. I told him I would put him in my book. LOL. I talked to my husband's aunt today and she is a personal life coach. I was so excited becuase this is what I want to do when I retire from the state. I think I will get certified and start doing a little on the side so that when I am ready to do it full time I will have a clientelle established.
12/28/08
Tomorrow will be ten weeks since surgery. Wow things are going awesome. By my scale I have lost 126 but Dr. Rohrer's scale weighs me 25 pounds heavier. So at this point my scale is 380 and his is 405. So if we go by his numbers I have lost 102 pounds since my first visit with him in May. Not as fast as I would like, but I no longer weigh 503 and I am almost in the 300s so I am not going to complain too loudly. So how has 102 pounds changed me...well I still can't fit in the 32s that I have but my clothes are huge on me. I tried on a pair of size 32W jeans last week and I can get them on but can't button them. I think about how big I was and I still cringe. Food wise, I can't eat much without it really bothering my stomach. I can drink protein though and have become pretty religious about two protein shakes a day. I went to Walmart this weekend and bought some peppermint and rootbeer extracts to try to come up with some different flavors. So far, not so great, but I will keep fiddling until I find something I really like. Physically, I can walk all over Walmart without being tired or my back hurting now. I should say, not hurting terribly, because it always hurts to some degree. I sleep much better but I still use the CPAP. Someone at my support group meeting described his dependence on the machine like sucking on your thumb. I guess I can kinda relate to that. I really enjoy CPAP and don't think of it as a burden, except when I want to go camping or spontaneously sleep away from home. My job performance has absolutely improved. Without the sugar in my system I don't have constant mind fog. I took my fasting glucose the other day and it was 86 so I know the diabetes is in check. The other day I was putting on my socks and I put one leg on the other knee without even thinking about it. That was really cool. I also can fit between places, like between a table and the wall where there is not way I would have fit before. As I have said before I work in a juvenile correctional facility and the other day the Psychiatrist that comes each month saw me, he hadn't seen me in since before surgery. He is kinda an absent professor kind of guy and he was like, "Holy Cow you look awesome." That was really awesome. I think all the way around things are going great...my goals are a little more specific now.
1. To be below 300 by June 1
2. To be below 200 before my 40th Birthday, January 11, 2010
3. To start working out
4. To learn how to cook healthy for me and my family and to experiment with vegatable to find ways to cook them so that I like them.
5. To develop an eating plan and stick with it
6. To purchase the other vitamins and minerals that will help me and develop a schedule for taking them
7. To start writing my motivational speech and be ready to start presenting it.
I guess that is all for now, I will write more in a month or so. If you are reading this and have questions, please please contact me, I would love to talk to you about my journey and learn about yours.
01/03/09 I put this on the forum site but wanted to include it here too...
For those of you who have read my stuff, I had surgery on October 13, 2008. I started at 503 and today I am 398. My BMI has gone from 81.2 to 64.2. I get very frustrated because I think this is not going fast enough, but that is 105 pounds. I think I lost about 30 or so prior to surgery so that is still 75 pounds in 2.5 months. I was so scared prior to surgery, largely due to how big I was, the fact that I have severe sleep apnea and the fact that our 21 year old son died February 6, 2008. I was pretty much positive he would be there to greet me when they put me under, but I was at the place in my severe obesity that I really didn't care. I knew it was live or die at that point. For anyone who reads this who is quite large, I say go for it. I woke up in the recovery room about 3 hours after the surgery started. It took longer because of my size and also because they took out my Gallbladder. I know this surgery saved my life and I can tell you, even though I still weigh almost 400 pounds and am still bigger than most people who are having the surgery now, this has changed my entire life. 
I can walk, I can breath, for the first time in a very long time I HAVE HOPE. I dieted and lost 100 pounds so many times in the past and then gained it plus more back. This time, I know that it is for real. I know I will have tons of hanging skin when this is all done, but so what...I get it cut off or I learn to deal with it. I am alive, I again have quality of life, I am starting to feel feminine and pretty again. I forgot what that was like. My eating has changed, I don't do well with meat of any kind, I don't dump like you hear about some people, but I definitely feel it if I eat stuff that is not healthy for me. I hated protein powder prior to surgery, but now protein shakes are a staple in my diet. I know that it will not always be that way, but for now it is a necessity. I used to hate vegetables and now I crave healthier things. I really don't miss the fast food as I know that I only get to eat so much, and I want it to be quality I am putting into my body. Even after only a couple of months, food really is no longer the priority in my life. If you knew me prior to surgery this would surprise you, as I was one of those people that you see on TV who ate and ate and ate. For the first time since I was probably 9 years old I feel that I am the one in control. What a powerful feeling that is...because for about 31 years I thought I was in control of every aspect of my life except my diet and health. Now I realize that since that part of me was out of balance, every part of me was out of balance. Every birthday candle and star I have wished on, Every New Years Resolution for 31 years has been that I will finally feel like I am in control and that I will be able to lose the weight and get healthy. It is very empowering to know that I am on my way to making that happen. I am saying this at 398 pounds. My birthday is the 11th of January and this is the most incredible gift I could ever receive. If you are unsure like I was, if you are one of those people that read this site religiously because you need to help but are terrified to be one of the statistics, All I can see is this has not been the easiest thing I have ever done, but it has definitely been the healthiest, and most empowering. I learned so much from so many of you. I want to say thank you for your wisdom, faith and courage. This site is amazing and we are so blessed to have it. 
We Move Towards and Become That Which We Think About....I think I am a pretty amazing Chickie and so are all of you. 
