Bec Wal

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I woke up this morning without my headache.  I can't believe it.  I always have a head ache.  I made it to the bathroom without almost wetting myself.  My face isn't red this morning.  My blood sugar is 120, it hasn't been there in a long time.  My blood pressure is good.   My eyes aren't so blurry.  I LOST 2 MORE POUNDS!!!!!  I haven't been under 275 in at least two years so this is a milestone for me.  We went out to eat last night and I was terrified.  I kept thinking I was really going to blow everything but I guess the extra food helped.  I made sure I left out the carbs and as much fat as possible.  I ordered smoked chicken and a spinach salad with o.v. on the side.  I skinned the chicken and put it in my salad.  It was a big bowl full of food.  Maybe I'm not eating enough.  I ate almost 1700 calories yesterday and lost.  WOW.  I really feel good today.  We got our income tax money and my husband bought us an elliptical.  I was so excited!  It's just a cheap one from walmart but I don't care.  My husband is actually being supportive of me doing this and he is really surprizing me.  In the past when I would try to diet he was no support.  But I think now that we are older he realizes that I might not be around much longer if I don't do this. 

My baby goals are working for me.  I have succeeded my first goal.  I walked a full mile yesterday.    My new goal is to walk the mile all at once.  That one will take a few days.  I'm sticking to my food plan, and logging a food diary is really helping me see what to eat.  Also, keeping a food diary and researching the nutritional values of everything that passes my lips is time comsuming and that's a good thing for me.  Also doing this blog is a great help for me, just being able to praise myself is helping.  I won't know how to react if someone actually reads it and has a positive comment!  
  My new fear:  I'm afraid that I will be rude to people who try to be nicer to me when I have my new body.  I mean, I already feel it.  I'll still be me.  I wish I had a friend.
  

   Up until last week I turned a blind eye to my habits and felt like a victim.  Today it's easier to say I was doing it all wrong without looking for an excuse.  After a full week of really trying I'm starting to notice a small improvement in how I feel.  I walked my mapped course this morning almost with ease, so now I feel it's time to step it up.  I drove it this morning and found it to be three tenths of a mile.  I have been struggling through it almost twice a day (almost meaning either I gave up or was too lazy) for at least a year.  My first baby goal is to walk it a total of 3 times a day, trying to get in a mile a day.  Without looking to too far ahead, I would like to walk the course 3 consecutive times getting one mile all at once.  Two weeks ago the thought of doing that would have never entered my mind.  Usually, about half way around my hips and legs tighten up so bad and my knees and feet hurt so bad that I give up.  All of my hard work paid off this morning when I took the full course with nothing but some foot pain and I felt great afterwards.  I could never understand how others went from morbidly obese to being a gym freak and I think I'm beginning to understand.  Baby steps.  I just started changing a few things at a time, something small every day, and it's working.  I have to be careful not to beat myself up for waiting so long because that's where I feel like going.  Another new hobbie is converting some of my favorite foods into something healthy and adding all of the nutritional values so I can add the info onto my food diary and be able to track every bite I eat.  Who knows, maybe one day my own cookbook!

I found a surgeon that takes my Medicare that is 100 miles closer to me than the one in Atlanta!  I'm going to research it just in case I can't do this on my own. 

This is the first time I have ever tried to seriously diet and have my computer for a tool.  WOW what a difference.  I'm spending so much time researching facts about the food I eat, that I'm actually enjoying myself this time.  I was shocked to find out that some of the foods I love that I thought were calorie free, are not at all.  And a lot of the foods that I thought are carb free are not.  Onion is a good example.  I love onion.  Raw, baked, fried, any way in almost anything.  I thought it was a free food and it is not.  Not that it isn't good for me, it is.  I just have to add it to the formula when I'm doing my food diary.  It is also giving me something to do with my brains and hands.  Once I started writing down what I eat, I was shocked to find out how bad my eating habits really were.  That was enough to make me do a turn around.  I can feel my body burning calories and I'm a little hungry but not miserable.  I felt worse this time of day from eating wrong than I do feeling hungry.  The most inspiring thing I found on this website so far is the before and after pictures.  I could look for hours.....

"I am an intelligent person. I will control my emotions, not let my emotions control me.  Every time I am tempted to use food to satisfy my frustrated desires, build up my injured ego, or dull my senses  I will remember even though I over eat in private my excess poundage is there for all the world to see."

I think I will needlepoint this and hang it on the wall. 

Well, I spent the week getting ready to start my adventure.  I have realized that the desire to have WLS may not be realistic.  But I am still determined to reform.  The only DR I can find that will except my medicare is 5 hours away and we are looking at several visits before and after surgery.  My only other option is cash pay to a DR that is 60 miles away, which I don't have.  
       I have spent endless hours on this website and others trying to devise a plan for me that will work.  First off, I'm NOT on a diet.  You can't diet away 100+ pounds.  That's part of how I got here.  I am going on an adventure.  I am starting a new life.  I have a new hobby.  And I'm excited.
    First off, this week I have ridded my house of most foods that are not part of my reform.  I am have been treating this the same way I approached smoking.  I was able to successfully wean myself off of cigarettes.  So this week I have been weaning myself off of my carb addiction.  I have replaced all of the bad snacks I had around here with better carbs and snacks.  Some of those I will wean myself from over the next few weeks.  My first goal is 190 grams of GOOD carbs.  I have to have at least that because of my diabetes.  Once I have my blood sugar under control I will set a lower goal.  I traded most of the unhealthy fats in my kitchen for healther ones.  I am trying to get used to the taste of olive oil, which I have never cared for.  I dumped the sugar out of my sugar bowl and replaced it with splenda.  I gave the boys most of the snack cakes (I saved the ones I don't like for my husbands lunch), filled a fruit bowl and got celery and baby carrots.  Lots of bags of frozen low carb vegies.  I spent 2 hours reading every food label in Walmart.  It looks like for now I will have to give up processed soups, which I love ( and thought were good for me).  Even the ones that claim to be good for you aren't.  They lower fat, raise the carbs and sodium and vise versa. So I just don't need it.
      Yesterday I went to the GNC and bought mega vitamins for women over 50, complex B, Hoodia, and a low carb protien mix for when I start working out harder.  If I die from any of those, at least it wasn't over a cream filled honey bun.  I couldn't find much about the hoodia and diabetes.  But I took my first one about an ago and I feel ok.  
     The thing I guess I'm most concerned about is WHERE my life will be in one year.  From my research I haven't found anything promising about massive weight loss and improved mental health.  But I'll deal with it later.  
     

   I have read several stories on here and some are so similar to my story that I almost feel repetitive. I still have to do this .  Even if no one reads it, including myself.
       I have been obese all of my life, at least before school age.  I don't ever remember looking down and seeing my feet.  And I have long feet.  I have always disliked myself, and never felt much pride.  I have always been a victim of ridicule and disparagement that I believed it was my design.  I have such low self asteem that I am constantly insecure, even when desolate.  
      I will be 50 in April.  I have decided that now, at this time in my life, it's time to do something for me.  I have dieted all of my life with the motive of  image.  I have dieted myself up to almost 300 pounds.  I am a yo-yo dieter, a grazer, and a binger.  I have until recently, used the excuse that I eat because it feels good.  I have been lying to myself and everyone, it doesn't feel good.  Diabetes doesn't feel good.  Wetting my pants doesn't feel good.  Not being able to properly groom myself doesn't feel good.  Being the largest person in the room doesn't feel good ( and I have the nerve to be discusted at anyone who IS bigger that me).
     Starting this week I am going to make some changes in my life, one is to stop making excuses to myself.  I no longer care about the image others have of me, so it doesn't play in my decision.  I want to feel healthy.  I want to feel less mental and physical pain.  I want to touch my own body and feel pleasure.  I want to slide into clothes that look and feel good to ME, not big enough to hide behind.  I want to effortlessly pick something up off of the floor without fear of toppling over head first.  I want to sleep.  I believe all of these desires are obtainable.  I just had to decide to do it.  To do it for ME. 
      I will be spending a great deal of time in the next year being self centered.  I feel it's the least I can do for myself before I die.  I will be focusing on my health, my body, my mental health, my weight loss surgery, my diet, my exercise.  I am sure anyone close to me will get sick of my 
self -absorbtion.  I will apologize to them another time.  Now is the time I start apologizing to myself.