Binester
Oy boy! Where to begin.....?
I have not always been heavy. I started gaining after high school during college. And it was definitely emotional eating. I didn't know how else to manage my feelings and I was starting to have a boatload of feelings. All through my twenties I tried lots of diets and my weight went up and down but it was relatively "normal" (below 200 lbs). In my late 20's I went into a pretty bad depression and food became my only comfort. I gained about 60 lbs and and started my first attempts at major weight loss (ie Overeaters Anonymous, Rice Diet Center, therapy, etc).
At 30, I moved to San Francisco and was still depressed. I slowly started connecting with other overweight people through OA and began having minor successes here and there. Through OA, I landed at HOW-OA, and eventually at FA (Food Addicts Anonymous). That was in 1999 and boy did the weight come off there. 100 lbs in 5 months. It was scarey fast, but super exciting as well. I hadn't been those sizes since high school. I was dating someone, and looked great and felt like I had finally arrived. Except, it didn't stay that way.
I became too thin. I knew I was losing too much, but everyone in the program said I was doing fine and recommended I just keep doing what I was doing. I really started to panic after a while and I wasn't well (my hair was falling out and my period had stopped). I weighed 117 lbs at 5'5" and looked emaciated. I was really confused about the lack of support and second-guessed myself constantly. I could not trust my own instincts for my life. Literally.
Of course, as in the past, my way of coping with the huge disappointment of being let down and not supported was to eat. And I ate. And I ate. I ate 160 lbs back onto my body in less than a year. And over the last 8 years I have kept it on and steadily slipped all the way up to 340 lbs. It's been hell. And I have tried every single day of these 8 years to get things under control.
Only, I've been losing more and more control and more and more of myself as the years go by. And my body has just become bigger and bigger. I've become pretty isolated and rigid. I've lost the ability to have spontaneity and fun. I don't date. At all. I have friends who understand because they have been there or they watched me go through it. And my family, who never really understood the problem to begin with (noone in my family is fat), who started to see over time how frustrating this all was for me. I love my friends and family. Thank god for them, but I am still alone a lot. Mostly because I am so ashamed.
I had considered surgery at times, but it scared me. Bypass was the only option I heard anything about and my insurance wouldn't cover anything else. For me, that just felt too extreme and I couldn't quite justify such a radical change to my body.
The one good thing during all of this is that I started a new career. I became a therapist, which was not an easy process. But, the moment I started grad school, I knew I was home. And once I've committed to something like that, off I go. Nothing can stop me. It gave me the encourgement I needed to keep showing up for life. I felt accomplished in grad school and later as I was gathering hands-on experience to prepare for the exams. It really is the exact right profession for me and it has helped me find myself again. I missed myself, a lot.
I noticed after being in private practice for a couple of years, that I still missed huge chunks of myself. I worked diligently on finding those parts. Some of them used to be a part of me (back in my 20's when I was having a lot of fun) and some of them I've never really known. By now, I had heard talk of lap band surgery. At first I was iffy and doubtful and played all the head games we play on ourselves. I convinced myself I could still do it on my own somehow. I even went back to FA for a minute. NO THANK YOU! That place is simply not for me.
And then, I thought to myself, what if I could actually feel whole a year from now if I just got over my fear of this surgery? What if it unlocks the door I need to walk through? So, I started really looking into it. It took over a year to get it to happen (waiting for it to be an option thru my insurance, all the lab work, and a cancellation of my first surgery date back in January due to lack of insurance approval. That was hell). But, I put one foot in front of the other and stayed with it. I really can persevere when I've put my mind to something that matters to me. And here I am, one week post surgery. So far, not a single regret.
I am totally excited, scared, curious, anxious, and more, about what's to come. But most of all, I am ready.
