blueheart
My story... In 2004 I found myself weighing 286lbs and if I didn't do something I was going to weigh over 300lbs in no time. I was miserable.. I couldn't walk, my feet & legs hurt so bad and my A1c levels were rising and wouldn't stablize. My doctor told me that I would have to go on insulun shots if they couldn't find a medication or a combination of medicines that would lower my A1c levels. I was on three medications already and nothing was working. I hated that little kids made fun of me, men ignored me or ran the other way and my female constituants, well I was an atrocity to them. I was ashamed of me, I didn't like who I was on the inside or on the outside. I knew that the real person on the inside was screaming to get out. No matter what I did or what I tried, everything hurt and nothing worked. My Body would not loose weight. One of the doctors in the practice where I originally went for general care, while my female doctor was on maternity leave, he made me do weight management. I had to come in once per week, report everything I put in my mouth and swallowed, everything I drank and I had to report any physical activities that I tried. I did this for several months. My job was getting upset at me for missing any time from work to do this and was very impatient with me in considering Gastric Bypass Surgery. I did this for three months and I gained weight. The male doctor was very upset with me and he acted as if I was lieing to him, but truly I wasn't. I was committed to being honest. I gained 4lbs. No one considered the mental and emotional stress I was under at my work because of this. I was fired from my job, which was a job I absolutely loved, I was devastated. Not only did I Loose my job, but I lost my means for the surgery, too... or so I thought. My regular doctor came back to work and she followed through on the applicaiton to insurance for the surgery. The day I was fired was the day I recived the approval for the surgery. A month later I found out I stll had insurance for another month and I told my doctor this. I had already been transferred over to my GBS surgeon and I was all set up except for a date. They contacted me and told me they could schedule the surgery for about two weeks before my insurance runs out and it would still be covered... so that is what we did.
I had the surgery on June 23, 2004. What a ride... Recovering from GBS, looking for work, fighting for unemployment, and struggling to keep my apartment and home. I took on a lot. I was going through the identity changes.. the body changes... trying to adjust to how to go from the liquids to very soft foods, to semi soft foods.. to solid foods again without backing things up and going through hours of pain in dry heaves. The more my sinuses drained from the pain and reactions to the dry heaving the more I had to heave up. Then there was the pain of the stomack healing and not to mention the pain killing medicaitons I was forced to take in the hospital and to take home with me. I had to mildly withdraw from those. The biggest part of that was realizing the actual pain was not that bad and that I really didn't need the pain killers. I poured a whole bottle of Hydrocodone out... I got rid of it. After that I began to become more aware of my body and better in tune to what was happening to me. If I swallowed anything with more that 3 - 5 grams of sugar in it.. I would get very sick. I would get nausiated, I would get the "runs" and then I would get very dizzy and ultimately pass out. I would be out for hours until I would wake up. My roomate would become quite concerned about me and keep checking to see if I was still breathing. Even now, if I consume a little too much sugar, I will go to sleep and sleep for hours. It will still nausiate me and sometimes the dumping syndrome will occur, also.
Wait... I haven't gotten to the good parts yet. The Good... I lost weight at about 2 -3 lbs per week after I adjusted. It was hard to stop the protien shakes and bars. I was told I had to transition over to more solid foods and that was a year later. I kept this up until I just could't afford it any longer and that was in 2007 - 2008, approximately 3 to 4 years after my surgery. I would still drop weight easily at this time.. I didn't have to exercize... I just drank water and focused on sources of protien that my stomack could tolerate. I ate a lot of refried beens with extra sauce, cheese, & lots of onions & Jalepenos... I wanted food with flavor... LOTS of Flavor. I was tired of blah, bland foods. I can't stand fish... If I even smell fish I want to up chuck!! Too much tuna fish!! And chicken.... not too thrilled about chicken. I still have to cut my meat up really small and chew chew chew. I have to have very very lean hamburger and good quality in order for it not to bunch up in my pouch.
By 2008, I was at my ideal weight, (for me) 170lbs. That was where I wanted to be and I looked great, but everyone i knew was telling me I was "too skinny". In my book there was no such thing as too skinny... What was that? I had always been too fat!! I felt great!! (and I say to the gal on "Biggest Looser" show who just lost 155lbs... DON'T listen to everyone tell you that you are too thin... do what feels right for you!!! And keep up the good work.. Don't let your guard down!! Well, I went through stress full jobs, my sister and my stand in mom was failing in health and I was loosing her. I wasn't ready for that. A series of events occured and I got my first Master's degree in December of 2009, I was offered an accepted a managerial position in a small rural town that I almost couldn't refuse. I took the job and moved.. my sister told me to go & not to worry about her. She passed away on Mother's day 2010, and I completely moved my household to this small town 150 miles away from everything I knew. I knew no one here. I have gone through 3.5 years of hell in this place and I am 45lbs heavier than when I moved here. My feet & legs hurt again, I can't stand or walk for long distances... I am going through legal battles with the employer who inticed me to come here and then turned on me because I am honest, truthful and just (and a whistle blower). Now, I seek my Higher Power for a way and a new work position to leave this God Forsaken place and move back to civilization. At times I am motivated to exercise, eat right, be active, but when I do... I go out to walk outside and I get put down and ridiculed by people I used to work with. I want to put all of the shame and humiliation behind me and walk away... but I need something to walk too... I have experienced a loss of self esteem, self respect, self worth, confidence and dignity. Not just from loosing my job, (even though I was wrongfully terminated, and I have documentation to show that), but because I am so heavy now. I feel it, and I feel like a failure in many ways. I've gained weight, I was wrongfully terminated, they are trying to destroy my reputation, I have a legal battle on my hands and no money. So how do I get back up from this one? Well, I have papers from the State of Colorado saying that I was not at fault for the termination... I have a case with the EEOC pending on top of a previous Right to Sue letter for the first EEOC case. I have a gazelle air walker.. and I have reduced my food intake to 800 calories per day. I have to drink more water.. but the water here is not good to drink and so all the water I have to drink is bottled... well, that gets expensive. I need a few miracles people... and I believe in the power of prayer... I need some!! I can do what I have power over, eatting & drinking, exercise some, and pack up... the rest.. I need help with..... (to be continued)