*Roller Coaster*

May 18, 2009

I could not have imagined that I would be riding such an emotional roller coaster pre-surgery!  I spent the whole weekend with crazy giant mood swings, anxiety and insomnia.  An ugly combination that my poor hubs had to deal with.  For the most part he handled it like a champ, probably better than I would.  Even though I haven't been required to do a pre-op liquid diet I am doing one today and tomorrow.  Something about having major abdominal surgery makes me want to keep everything clear and gunk free.  I was on a mission this weekend to get the house sanitized and surgery ready but I only succeeded in doing the average amount of house work and getting all my linens cleaned.  Last night I had my first round of doubts in several weeks.  I worry so much about something going wrong with the surgery or being one of the bandsters who never finds restriction and only loses a very few pounds.  If either of those things were to happen, complications or a lack of success, I can't even imagine where I'd be.  I have invested so much of myself, my time, my money, my hopes and my family in all of this.  It would such a huge let down.  But I am trying to chase away those negative thoughts and remind myself that I am following doctor's orders to a T!  If I manage to do that, I can make this program work.  Last night, as I laid in bad battling with insomnia, I turned on the lights and stared at myself in the mirror.  I looked at my body and felt guilty.  I asked why I was putting my body through this, did I not love myself enough.  And then I answered myself honestly.  It's because I love myself that I'm doing this.  I am doing something good for me and for my body.  I am not desecrating the temple of Candi, I am repairing it so that it will stand prouder, stronger and even prettier.  TWO MORE DAYS!!!!! 

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