carissamarieg
feeling anxious and wondering if ive made the right decision
Oct 02, 2009
okay..i am two days into the liquid diet and i am surprised that i am dong okay..not as hungry as i thought id be..it is definitely a test..but i just keep telling myself that in the end it will all be worth it and that there is a better and much brighter light at the end of the tunnel...i actually come on here often and search different things and look around..but never really write anything about myself..and just before i signed on and went to the forum and there was a post that said SURGERY..so i opened it up and it was someone saying that they were getting close to the day..and they were feeling anxious and wondering if they were making the right decisions...then i read what someone had responded to it..and they had a really good idea..they said that all the feelings are natural and everyone goes through the same feelings..its just that they are new feelings to us..and that we should journal all of our feelings so that when we are " on the other side " we will have that to look back on...so i thought wow..what a good ideam and here i am...i too am having so many feelings...many of them are overwhelming..i wonder if i am making the right decision for my life...if i will be okay..im so afraid of being a failure..i so want to overcome this addiction with food..i am so tired of thinking about food all the time..and looking for food for happiness...my nutritionist said food is for the nourishment of our bodies and food is NOT our friend..and i keep telling myself that over and over..its just treally scary when you know that you are losing something that was such a big part of your life for so long..and yet at the same time..i am SOOOO ready to not be enslaved by the thoughts of food..i truly am unhappy being overweight and not feeling pretty..not wanting to go places or do things because i feel like people are looking at me and thinking wow look at that fat girl...im so tired of being alone and then eating to feel some sort of satisfaction and then after beating myself up..its like going around and round in the same circle..yet ending up in the same place..i have been unhappy with my weight and my body image gee since i can remember...i have struggled long and hard with this addiction with food..yes..i have been on every diet under the sun..and yes i have lost 30 or 40 pounds and felt good..but then of course the second i eat anyhting thats not "diet", lowfat or fat free i gain it all back and more..my mom was soo against this..and it is just now that she has come around to support me...thankfully she is standing by my side...anyhow..she just kept saying...all you need to do is put the fork down...ive seen you lose weight before..she just doesnt understand that yes i have and yes i can just like anyone else who is starving themselves...but i still never lose enough weight to be where i want to be..and the minute i eat one thing that isnt diet..i gain it all back..im just done..i made this decision because i feel i cant do it on my own..i need help..and i believe in my heart that this is the right tool to help me...but i am scared...i dont want to fail at this...i want to succeed and be happy..i want to look in the mirror and love myself..to see the pretty face that i have been told i have my whole life..because thats not what i see when i look...anyhow..enough for now..5 more days and i will hopefully have the beginning of the rest of a new and happy life..a life not consumed and ruled by what am i eating next..i am 32 and single and i just want the things that all my friends have..someone to love me back and see the person that i am inside because no one wants to look past the shell..okay..until next time..
