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I just reread my posts of the journey and it's amazing how I tell the same story I've been telling my whole life. I think the challenge for me is accepting me as I am and doing what is right for me. I have a quote hanging on my computer "I've finally stopped running away from myself. Who else is there better to be? (Goldie Hawn) I need to breathe that in and live by it. All the carbs I've been eating are making me feel lousy. I read about a carb coma today and I've been experiencing it just didn't know what it was. I am tired often after I eat - naturally it's the carbs that are doing it. Back to basics but because it works not as a form of punishment. I have a challenging life right now but eating wrong and not taking care of myself will do nothing to make it better. I want to lose the 10 lbs I've gained but I want to be healthy. My original goal was to live a healthy and active life - that hasn't changed. I want to take some time for myself in the midst of the craziness so I can be happy and healthy for the kids sake and for mine. I need tpo connect with others who are working to make their lives happy and healthy.

It has been almost 2 years since I have posted here and it has been a wild ride. In April of 08 I was taking care of my 2 grandkids while their mom was facing her demons. Well she struggled for several months before getting into a rehab program. Her success was short lived though. She returned to live with  me in Nov of 09 after I'd broken my hip, thank god for my weight loss!!. She did well for a few weeks then started a downhill journey that ended with her death in Sept of last year. So now I am raising a 2 year old and 4 year old and grieving the loss of my oldest child. And of course the ugly food monster is raising and rearing it's ugly head. I've gained 10 pounds since Sept and am fearful that if I don't get a handle on the sugar eating it will all come back!!! So maybe sharing here will help me find a better way to deal with the stress and sadness.

April 29, 2008
I sit with turkey and cheese by my side and reminisce about this journey. I have a lot of challenges facing me right now: caring for my 2 grandchildren while emotionally supporting their hopefully recovering alcoholic mom. This is not where I pictured myself at this stage in my life but with the help of my sleeve and 110 pound weight loss I am physically up to the challenge. I have been eating more sweets lately but am trying to give myself a break. Each day I refocus and work to eat the way I know is best for me, exercise and drink my water. I love clothes shopping now - well I like having the clothes I still don't love trying on clothes. I am adjusting to people's reactions and trying to sort out what a good weight will be for me. People had gotten so used to me big they are schocked that I am so "skinny" - I don't call 176 skinny but I am in a size 12 and that had been my original size goal. Now a size 10 is withing my reach . I'd like to find a goal that I can maintain comfortably without big variations. I don't want to lose more so I have room to play with - my goal is to find a weight and stay there (with 2 or 3 pounds wiggle room)

Feb. 14, 2008

Just over 7 months since surgery and 90 lbs down. Still have about 30 to go but am feeling so much better. Walking almost every day and going to Curves 3 days a week. I'm in a size 14 now and it's lots of fun to shop. I can cross my legs, tie my shoes and walk up stairs without feeling winded. I have so much more energy now and am almost pain free - bad back still bad but not aggravated by all the extra weight. None of this was possible pre surgery. I still love my chocolate - that didn't go away with my stomach but I'm doing a much better job of handling the quantity now. I wish I could say I was perfect but I am learning how to use my tool. Most importantly I'm looking at it as a tool and not a miracle cure.

December 18, 2007

Well it's just over 5 months and I'm still happy with the results. I've lost 76 lbs now and more than 40 inches!!!! I feel better than I have in years - lots of energy and little pain from weight related back issues. I'm exercising every day and clothes sizes keep getting smaller  My daughters and their families will be arriving for the holidays and I'm looking forward to keeping up with the grandchildren. There will be food involved but while I still am buying goodies for them I'm not stressing out about eating too much. Having this surgery was truly a life changing event for me!!! I'm only 10 lbs away from onderland and so look forward to that milestone. I love the attention I'm getting but most of all I love feeling happy again.

A few minutes before I go off to my first appointment of the day so I thought I'd catch myself up on the journey I've been on. The first 6 weeks were stellar, I was the perfect patient and sleeve owner. Then I went back to work. Stress of getting and moving into a new job, eating in a less than relaxing environment, no time for water while teaching.... all these things got me off track. I started the Turkey Challenge today as a way of getting myself to refocus on what works best for me. I'm not  unhappy with the results so far, 60 lbs from my high pre-op but I'm not pleased with the shortcuts I've been taking. So today I start fresh. I've exercised, already had 1 bottle of water and am working on a protein shake as I type. I even put the scale under the bed so I wouldn't have to see it every day and be challenged not to get on it. My personal goal for the week is to start doing it "right" again. The corner cutting, although in smaller quantities, reminds me of my old ways and I want to put them to rest. Another goal is to get a new avatar picture. I don't want to be or see that person every time I am on the site.

When I first had my surgery I was on every day and was greatly supported by the messages I read. Since the new school year started I rarely check in. Both because I am busy and have been getting a little complacent. Weight loss hit 50 pounds today and clothes are fitting better but I need to keep the real goal in site. I am not nearly through so I need to come to the site more often to see what everyone else is doing. I have been falling into some of my old habits and need to clean up my act. I feel so much better and have so much more energy - I don't regret for a minute my decision to have the surgery. My older daughter told me I looked Happy and I think she'r right I am much happier and it's not just from losing weight.

July 17 - one week since my surgery. Random thoughts...
All in all I'm feling pretty good - I'm getting close to having all my fluids in and am walking every day. I'm still feeling a little light headed when I've been up for too long - I don't think I'm getting enough calories - hard to believe I'm actually saying that. 
I've been off pain meds since day 4 and have some discomfort at times but very little real pain. Had my first BM today and I guess that's cause for celebration :-) 
Haven't been feeling too social yet, I think it's just my energy level is still a little low??. My friends and family have been so supportive - they all want to do something for me but for right now its just sip, sip, sip  
I don't see the doctor for 2 more weeks so I'm guessing I'll be on the liquid diet until then. It's definitely been an experience: soemtimes I forget I did it, other times I wonder why but most of the time I'm thinking this will be a good thing!!! The 42 gram bullets are a little challenging going down but they are a real boost to my protein intake. 
And last but not least - I'm down 10.4 pounds.