Cheryl W.

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I admit I was getting cocky; thought the liquid diet at 1000 calories a breeze.  As payment for my exuberance, I hit a wall yesterday, and suffered.  I worked out pretty hard at the gym, 30 minutes elliptical and 30 minutes treadmill.  Then we went Christmas shopping.  Didn't get home until 12:30 and I was starved- missed my mid morning shake.  Had a quick shake then some chicken broth for lunch, but the rest of the day I was beat.  I was hungry- yet not hungry, exhausted, lethargic, wiped out.  I was hungry- but not hungry, because I noticed I'm already getting sick of the smell of the protein powders.  Could feel the need to chew something so had a piece of gum.  It helped somewhat.  Still, 11 days of this to go, oh my. 

Went to bed a little later than ususal, but couldn't get to sleep.  Woke this a.m. with a headache, and still have it 2 hours later.   I need to perk myself up somehow.  Decaf coffee is proving small comfort, even if I went and bought the bold Veronna blend at Starbucks.  I'm still cranky and tired.  No matter what I'm gonna stick thru this.  Now I know day three isn't the killer, it's day 4 and 5.

Think I'll bundle up and go outside for a walk.  It's cold outside, but I'm hoping the brisk air will perk me up. 

They say the first three days of a diet are the hardest.  So I've jumped that hurdle.  I always found weekends to be a challenge, especially with respect to beer and wine and chips and munchies and fast food and stuff.  Well there's none in the house, I'm steering clear of all groceries and convienence stores and fast food joints, and my new goal is to make it thru the weekend, pure. 

I did weigh today, and am down to 242, which I sorta expected.  My highest scale weight at home was 257, at the end of October before my first appointment with the bariatric surgeon.  I didn't care at that point, or rather, I wanted to be at my heaviest, so that I'd qualify for the surgery.  At his office I weighed about 258, I think.  Anyway, I think that was pretty artificially high because I was sorta bulking up.

Now with exercise, and journalling my food (most days, pre liquids) and with these last three days of just liquids at 1000 cals or less per day, I have seen a 15 lb drop, even before surgery. 

Again, I reflect, I know inside I could drop the weight, maybe not the whole 115 lbs by myself without any outside tools, but a great portion none-the-less.  The ultimate problem is keeping it off.  My pouch, the restriction and the new habits are going to carry me along for the rest of my life.

So only 10 more liquid diet days to go before surgery, Only 102 lbs to goal.  I feel I'm doing great, I'm on my way.  I'm gonna do it.



 

Not hungry this a.m.  Went to the gym at 5:15 a.m. as per usual this week.  Did 40 minutes on the elliptical while reading a magazine, light cardio as this is my weight day.  Did 3 sets of 20 situps on the ball, then back home for decaf coffee and my weight routine.  I do my weights at home because the 5 lb weights keep going missing at the gym.  Plus, I don't have to be near the guys working out.  It's not that I'm embarrassed about how I look at the gym, it's that I really don't like to be near sweaty, grunting guys.  Not my turn-on.

I've not given up coffee, although it is now decaf.  Since I cut my regular coffee with decaf gradually, I haven't had a caffein headache.  I don't do headache well. 

Tonight is dog agility training night, and it's been getting pretty cold here in Charlotte.  Not really looking forward to it because of the cold, but we're going to go anyway, it's been paid for.  We've also been training inside at a local facility called Dog Knowledge.  It's new, the equipment is new and there aren't many dogs there yet.  Louis, our pappillion is doing great and is picking up speed.  So cute.  Now that we have the indoor facility, and the other agility trainer is outside, isn't even teaching us anything new, I'm thinking we might just drop it, even though we have paid for it.  It's just not fun there anymore.  Tonight will be the deciding night.  We do have 4 friday's to go, and after surgery, I won't be able for a couple of weeks or more, so looks like we need to drop it soon anyway.

I'm not motivated to job search just yet, as I feel too obese to present myself to others, complete lack of confidence.  After I've recovered from surgery I'm gonna hit the ground hard.  Need to lose at least 50 lbs before I look half-way normal.

OK, need to buy bigger glasses to hold the protein shakes.  Since Richard (the hubba) is also doing a shake with me at dinner time, I need to empty the blender.  But the glasses I have don't hold but 10 oz.  Even though I'm using 1/2 cup milk and ice cubes, the volume is bigger than the glass will hold, thus I had to have him drink down some so I could pour more into the glass, to empty the blender so I could start on my shake.   By the time I got done blending my supper, he was finished with his.   Hubba, needed another shake at 7:30 ish, I held out for my second until 8:30.

I did perfectly yesterday, drinking a shake for breakfast, at 10, at lunch, at 3, for dinner, then about 8:30.  Still went to bed with a rumbly tummy.  Per my diary, I only had about 800 calories yesterday, so that's probably the cause.  I'm gonna make all my shakes with milk today, to up my calorie count to the 1000 target.  I'm also going to buy some tomato soup... My favorite.

I'm having a hard time staying off the scale.  I want to weigh only 1/week, I don't want to be obsessed about a number.  I've chosen Saturday to weigh.  That way, I see the good effects of my week's efforts (it's easier to be good on weekdays), and I have time to recover from any bad behavior on weekends (not that I plan on being bad).  Anyway, It's not working, I've been on the damn scale every day this week.  Hopeless.

Thinking about prepping the house for my surgery and getting completely ready for Christmas, so I don't have to do a thing post surgery except rest. 

Since it's only been 3 hours since "breakfast" can't say it's too bad.  We did go out last night to Outback, and had a filet mignon and lobster, with a couple of Sam Adams Winter ales and other assorted extras.  Didn't stuff myself, but did enjoy what may be my last steak for a very long while, if not forever.  Decided, I wasn't in love with the steak anyway.  The dogs really enjoyed the leftovers.

Richard and I talked a bunch about my surgery at dinner.  He was so sweet and said "I hope you're not doing this for me, because I love you no matter what."  So very heartfelt and sweet.  But I really need this to keep up with him, and his athletic endeavors, and more basicially, his sexual needs and even his sleep.  I snore bad enough to disturb him, such that he moves to the other bedroom several nights a week.  I know if I lose weight, the snoring will likely go away.  In the meantime (I had a sleep study done), I've been trying a mouth guard appliance, but it hurts my front teeth because of the pressure.  Not even sure it helps with the snoring, as I don't think it's fitted right yet.  It also is so bulky, I drool, and my lips are getting really chapped because they aren't getting any mouth moisture.  Plus, its the opposite of sexy, I put it in well after lights out.

I got a letter from the surgeons clinic manager yesterday, with all my appointments and instructions.  I'm scheduled for a surgeons visit, a pre-op class, surgery, and follow up visits.  Very official.  I also got a call yesterday from the insurance office person, saying I'll need $1100 for the rest of my deductible to be paid to the clinic, for my surgery.  All told, it's costing me about $6500 out of pocket for my RNY.  I'm going to make this the best investment ever.

I like the idea that my liquid diet starts on December 1st, because that means that the ENTIRE month of December, not one solid morsel of food will pass my lips.  Sounds kinda anorexic Huh?  I never ever, could be that, or bulimic either, as I hate, hate, hate to throw up and love, love, love to stuff myself.

I went out and shopped for the liquid list that the surgeons office provided.  I bought most of my protein and meal replacement stuff at my surgeon's clinic, as I really didn't have time to find the right brands in stores or on-line, and I certainly wasn't going to go hungry tomorrow.

Now I'm thinking last meal.  Should I go out?  or just scrounge what I can from my mostly empty cupboards?  For a last meal what would I choose?  This certainly isn't a death sentence, in fact it's just the opposite, it's a life reprieve.  However, I think I need to say goodbye to food, my not so good friend, maybe at Outback.

Cheryl 

Holy Cow,

This came out of the blue Wednesday afternoon.  I got a call from my surgeon's office, that my insurance approved my application, and I'm scheduled for surgery December 15th.

I just finished my pre-op task list last Thursday (guess the psych didn't think I was too crazy) and I called the office on Monday to make sure everything was completed.  They said the DR would review and prepare the letter of need, but not to expect it to go out until next week sometime because of the Thanksgiving holday.  Then, hurrah, they called Wednesday to say it's all done, approved, wham-bam-thank-you-mam You're Scheduled.  I'm in shock.  I'm happy, scared, and still don't believe it's approved.

Now I'm gonna start telling folks, my family etc. that I'm going under the knife next month.  Do they use a knife?  or is it all lazers and cool techno stuff.  Guess I need to watch the video of the process again or maybe a few more times than that.

Anyway, My surgeon uses 5 holes, I already have 3 from a previous gall bladder surgery.  I'm strong as an ox (big as one too) and I'm hoping to heal fast.  I know this is more major than the gall bladder, but I'm really hoping to back on my feet in two weeks, then watch me run baby.

I figure if I can walk/jog pretty well carrying an extra 115 lbs, then watch what I can do at a normal weight.  Just hoping the knees, feet (I'm starting to get bunions) can hold up for the next 30 years of a sleek svelt me running down the street.  Oh the 5K's to do...

Oh, and the shopping for new clothes?  I'm not buying another stitch in this size (22-24) and I'm going to become a master pinner/tacker to keep it all together, until I can shop in regular misses again.

OK, so much to take in.  I'm so excited, don't want to sit still or think or talk about anything but. 

Cheryl.

I'm pre-op, so this might not even be an issue post op.

I'm thinking of getting a small pocket size timer that I can push to time my 30 minute drink cycle.  See, I'm really trying to practice waiting 30 minutes between eating and drinking.  But it's such an ingrained habit, I keep forgetting.   I look up and think, what did I just do?  Take a sip.  OH NO.  The problem is that the water is sitting right beside me all day, as I'm trying also to incorporate more water into my daily routine.

Also, I really can't remember the time I finished eating.  Was it 8:15, or 8:30?  When can I next have a drink?  I do think this 30 minute method works and has increased my satiety with what  I've eaten.  It's gettng the timing down that is now the problem.  

Today I call the surgeon's office to see if my file is complete and ready to submit to insurance.  I sure hope so.  Since it's already Thanksgiving, I'm betting that I won't get the surgery done this year.  That's OK, I'll deal.

     

I'm craving some organization in my life.   I need to make a schedule, so that I no longer have to stress out about when I can fit in grocery shopping, when I do my interval training, when I cook, and what to do with all the leftover's I'm accumulating now that I'm cutting portion sizes.

I know, I need a Mommy or a Wife.  Someone to whip my life into order.  In my previous blog entry, I ruminated on getting a therapist.  Maybe I need a therapist/life coach/prefessional organizer.  Is there such a person?

I think this feeling may also be critical to being prepared for surgery.  I'm a checklist, type A, perfectionist.  Time to use these attributes to releave my stress and get my life in order so I can take a few weeks to recover from WLS.  Here come the calendar's and todo lists.

Oh yeah, and the holiday's are almost here.  Major stress. 

Boy am I starving right now.  I just ate a healthy, reasonable calorie meal (450 cals, 30 gm Pro), with plenty of protein, and I want more.  I'm pre-op and trying to be good, but it's hard, so hard.

Will the surgery make me feel full?  Some forum discussions I read say that hunger and full feels different after surgery and that you have to re-train your brain to interpret the signals coming from your digestive system.  All I know right now, is that I never trained my brain to accept my current interpretation of hunger, whatever that is, and I love to feel full. 

I met with the PSY counselor today, as my final step in the pre-op requirements task list developed by my bariatric surgeon and insurance requirements.  It was very comforting to be completely honest with someone about my petty little problems and I felt she really cared.  Via self analysis, I know that I have problems with portion control (I love to feel full- if one bite tastes great, 10 or 100 taste better).  I also know that snacking is a downfall, as is emotional/stress eating.  I'm seriously thinking of hiring a therapist to help me thru this process, and most especially once I reach goal to help me maintain.

Maybe a therapist can explain "Why does it take so much effort NOT to do something?"

Time for a cuppa tea, to tame the hungries.

Cheryl