Debbie107

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Well, interestinly enough, someone posted about 'Loyatly' today on the board. It has had me thinking all day about family and friends. I have had a very mixed bag of comments and support from my friends. My family has questioned me about my decsion to have the surgery, but after I have answered all of their questions, they all were on board and ready to help out as needed. My friends have been very different. I have been going through some growing pains with a lot of them, and their lack of interest and/or support has brought me much clarity. The people that have I have met more recently in my life have been much more supportive. I have been fat for most of my life, and I let myself get treated like I was lesser than a complete person because of it. I was always the friend that was "fun" to go out with, because I was never a threat, I would hold all of thier purses when asked to dance and I was fun to go out and eat their way through a broken heart. I could safely flirt with their boyfriends and/or husbands because I never had a chance to make an impact on them, and now I am wondering if they are rethinking how they treated me and how it's all going to change when I do see them again. Or, am I giving them all too much credit, and they aren't thinking of me at all? The friends that have been more loyal to me recenly, are getting the same me, just a smaller version of it. The old friends might think that I have changed as a person, but what it is, is I just look different. Maybe competition now? Little do they know, I am about as interested in their husbands as I am being the man on the moon! I think I will be watching their flirting with my husband a little differently now, and see how it changes. 

So, I guess, I will continue to be loyal to me and my friends. The friends that have supported me through it all. I am realizing, the older I get, it's not about the amount of friends I have, it's about the friends that amount to being a part of my life.

Well, I had planned on writing an entry every day, and I have not made it a priority and now I am frustrated with myself. It goes back into the same pattern of putting everyone and everything before me. I need to take even 5 minutes a day and get this all down and out of my head.

I have done much better than I expected with this new lifestyle. I have made a lot of adjustments that are working for me. I do believe that this was the answer for me to get healthy, I believe that with all that I have.

I am getting frustrated by my 3 choices of food, though. I found myself "cheating" this weekend. Kevin made dinner and there was some shredded cheese out, and I just couldn't resist it. I had some, then more and then a bit more in my soup! It wasn't a lot, but still not on the approved list right now. I have had feelings of guilt about it, and then sometimes I am okay with it. I think I am going to be okay with it, and move on and choose not to get stuck in a guilt/shame cycle. I have always been a firm believer in moderation. I don't believe (unless it's for health reasons) that anything needs to be eliminated from your own personal menu. I know that me not eating cheese is only temporary, and I will be able to eat it again soon, I just really really missed it. That being said, if I knew had to moderate how much I ate, I would have.

I am also being very moody these days. I am wondering if it's a combo of PMS and being frustrated with menu. Whatever it is, I am not liking it so much. I have to figure out what's going on before I cause some permanent damage.

I have been wanting to start a blog for the last week about this experience and this works out perfectly for me to do just that right here.

Well, Tuesday, the 26th was my WLS. I had the Lap Band procedure done. I went into that day, very ready, very relaxed and happy that I had made the decsion to take control of my life. It took me an entire year to get to that point to be very relaxed. I started to consdier, then research, talk about and make it all happen last year.

My first plan to take control of my eating was through OA. I did that this year, while I did appreciate so much of that program, I just don't think it was a perfect match for me. I had a sponser and it ended up we just didn't communicate the way we both needed to to make it a successful relationship. I think if I went to the meetings, and just took it all in, and made it work for me, that would have been more effictive. But, I did what I normall have done in the past, I tired it, and then ran away and didn't look back. I have done that with every weight loss program I have tried and had some success with. Every weight loss program I had tried was all about loosing weight only, not how to work out the demons that wreaked havoc in my head. I started to go to therapy this year to shut those negative messages, and the emotional eating. I think it's been very helpful for me.

I feel great that I made this decsion and have so much support within my family and friends. My husband has been amazing. I couldn't have done this without him, I wouldn't have if I didn't have his support. Of all the support I have had, I have found supporting myself, has been the most helpful.