Debra R.

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Recently a friend of mine had WLS in Mexico. She is doing fantastically so far! Talking and visiting with her, I realized how long it's been since I visited this site. I am taking my weight loss and my current physical condition (which is great!) for granted. It's been almost 6 years since my surgery. It was a life changing, life-giving procedure. As I look back on my journey, I am nothing short of grateful! I have a handle on my food and rarely even think about weight anymore. Sure, I could lose a little more I suppose, but if I don't, I am happy with my body. I work out at the gym, I ride my bike in summer, I walk the dog and I am healthy!

The most difficult part of this journey has been the transformation. The emotional baggage that caused me to eat my way to 305 pounds in the first place needed to be addressed. It has not been easy, but stability and serenity are finally becoming welcome guests in my heart and soul.

I have found that a good 12 step program has been very helpful for me. I used to belong to Overeater's anonymous. Now I go to al-anon because I have had to learn to deal with loved ones who are addicts. This program has taught me to focus on myself and my own needs and has brought me to a place of peace. It has helped me deal with my life in many different ways and on many levels.

The journey I have been on for the past 5 1/2 years has not been easy. It's been exciting, wonderful, and also painful. But I am so grateful for the lessons and the new lease on life. For anyone who might be reading my profile and considering this surgery, be prepared for a life changing experience. And don't try to do it all alone.

       I just noticed that my last entry in here was last November! Wow! I can't believe it's been almost a year since my  100 pound mark! Since then I have lost 15-20 more pounds (depending on when I weigh myself LOL) and am still following a pretty stable exercise routine. I would like to lose at least 15-20 more but I'm pretty happy right where i'm at as well. I just keep exercising and watching what I eat and eventually I'll be where I'm supposed to be. I must admit if not for my love of Riesling and Chocolate now and then, I probably would have lost more by now. But I look at it this way. I am healthy, I am happy and I look pretty damn good!  (ha ha) Plus I never feel deprived of anything foodwise, so I like where I'm at!
         Now I'm not advocating this mindset for anyone who is just starting out. When I first had my lapband, I was pretty diligent about following my foodplan and making sure I exercise. I still try to get my protein in daily, but sometimes that's hard. I also try to drink my water, and sometimes that's hard as well. But as a music teacher I find that it really helps to have that bottle of water handy so I can grab a swig whenever I need it because I dry out so much in the classroom and the singing and talking causes a lot of wear and tear on my voice.
          So, let me update you on what weight loss has done for me in my life lately! I think the biggest accomplishement for me is that I took a trip to Ghana in August that focused on dance and music! Yes! I said DANCE! I never used to like dancing because I felt so self conscious! Now, I find that I am doing it much more often and using it a lot in my teaching as well. It's great exercise, and actually makes me feel well, um, sexy! And healthy too. Ghana was a milestone for me. It was life changing and really helped me realize that I am actually a "normal" person now. I'm no longer the "freak" I used to feel like.
          What else have I been up to that I never would have done when I was obese? Well, I've been performing in coffeehouses etc again! When I was heavier, I never would have put myself in that postion of being in front of an audience on stage. Now, I am perfectly comfortable up there doing my "thang", and I'm lovin' it!
          I have also since gotten a divorce (well, not totally final yet), but I have been empowered to not put up with the abuse and less than respectful treatment from a spouse anymore. I have also found that men actually do find me attractive (wow!, what a concept!) and have had no shortage of dates (or relationship prospects) since I got back into the swing of things again. However, along with dating and relationships, come a lot of other issues. So, it hasn't been a totally wonderful or easy year in that regard. A lot of ups and downs. The ups were very up and likewise the downs were very down!  But at least I am feeling something these days and I'm not walking around in a food-numbed daze. I am alive again, and living life to the fullest!

BTW, if you'd like to see more pics of me, you can catch my Ghana pics at www.myspace.com/debraland You can catch my music there too! I hope to add even more Ghana pics in the future, but now that school has started, I barely have the time. But I wanted to update this journal. My hope is that someone out there can be inspired, encouraged, or be given some hope by my own experience. Please write me if you feel that what I've been through has "spoken" to you somehow. I'd love to hear from you! I already have found one good frined through this site!

Well, it's taken me maybe a little longer than many, but I finally crossed the 100 pound milestone!  I have lost 100 pounds!  Now, one would think that I'd be absolutely thrilled, excited, ecstatic even!  For ME to reach such a goal was unheard of before surgery!  The most I could ever lose was about 60 pounds and then I'd gain it all back plus more!  Reaching the 100 pound mark shows me that this proceedure actually is working for me.  However....

Of course there's always the "down side" isn't there?  I mentioned in one of my posts that my brain hasn't caught up with my body yet.  Well, this is true!  I look at pics of myself and I still see FAT, not the postives.  I still see all my flaws.  I notice more of the skin hanging around my face making me look a bit older now (at least in my eyes).  I never could understand how an anorexic can look in the mirror and see themselves as fat, even though they weigh about 90 pounds.  Now, it's all making sense to me!  I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever be satisfied with my weight loss or how I look!  I'm most definitely satisfied with how I feel, though.  But, I'm still struggling with accepting my physical self.  I'm dealing with regrets for not being able to do this sooner, when I was younger and could have enjoyed the results even more.  Also, regrets for not filing for divorce sooner.  So, I guess I need to accept where I'm at right now and get comfortable with that instead of looking in the mirror and telling myself, "only 10 more pounds and I'll be happy."  Well, I've been saying that since practically the beginning, and I'm still not totally happy with myself!  I know this is a deeper disease than just the physical aspect.  Intellectually I've known that for years!  But now, I'm really beginning to understand it!  I've experienced clinical depression (got on Wellbutrin and it's helped a lot), and also have experienced many other puzzling feelings I never had before!  I don't have my old friend food to comfort me, so now, I have no choice to to actually deal with my feelings, and sometimes it's overwhelming!  So in a way, I went about this in reverse order.  I lost the weight first and now I'm forced to deal with the feelings.  Most of the time people learn how to deal with the feelings and then lose the weight.  Well, at one time I thought that's what I was doing, but now I realize there's a whole lot more work to be done!  Thank God for my therapist!  I highly recommend therapy to anyone who even remotely relates to this blog.  And my guess, there are many of you going through (or who have gone through) this same experience!

I'm so excited that I now have 2 pair of pants in a size 16 that actually FIT!  I don't think I've been a 16 since I actually WAS 16!  I keep telling myself that they run large, or that sizes have gotten bigger over the years.  So even though I'm excited about crossing into the new size category, I can't seem to allow myself to feel great about it!  Somehow, my brain hasn't caught up with my body yet.  Guess that's what therapists are for!  Yes, this is much more than just a physical "disease" and this time around, I plan to be more careful about recognizing my little attempts to sabotage my success.  Life is so different now.  I'm single again, actually getting noticed by men (lots more than I ever expected at this age), and sometimes I feel as though I want my old life back just because that's what was normal and comfortable for me.  I'm in a whirlwind of change and sometimes I struggle to keep up with it all.  Most days, though, are a new adventure, a new beginning, and hold totally new experiences for me.  The excitement far outweighs the discomfort, that's for sure!  Life is good even when it's bad!

I've been doing a pretty good job of working out since surgery.  'Been getting on the air walker, the stationary bike, walking, swimming and lifiting light weights.  Well, yesterday I went for a short bike ride and another this A.M.!  I haven't been on a bike for at least 10 years!  Wow!  I can really feel it!  Now, you would think that after doing all the things I've been doing, it wouldn't "hurt" so much, but it just goes to show ya that every time we do a different exercise, new muscles are getting a workout that don't normally get it.  So, biking is going to become one of my new things to add to my list.  I don't know about you, but I get bored doing the same things over and over again.  The only thing I never get tired of is swimming.  So the more stuff I add to my list of fun activities, the more likely I am to continue working out.  I like my new active lifestyle.  I'm enjoying being able to move again without it hurting or making be feel like I'm gonna "die".  Wow!  This must be what it feels like to be a "normal" human being!  I don't ever want to forget what it felt like to be "disabled" by all the weight!  This is SO much better, and getting better by the moment!  Thank you, GOD!

"Normal” was being absorbed in running the household. Normal was keeping track of everyone else’s schedule, living my life for someone else, being there for others. Normal was going to the grocery store and having people look past me, not at me. Normal was acceptance of a substandard existence, thinking it was “As Good as it Gets” (one of my favorite movies, BTW). Normal was making sure everyone around me was happy (or trying to anyway, some people just CAN’T ever be happy…). Normal was hardly ever calling friends to see if they wanted to go out, normal was doing everything “right”. Normal was holding back, watching everyone else dance, hiding in the shadows. Normal was letting someone else define who I was/am. Normal was a life of predictable unpredictability.

So what’s “normal” now? Whatever it is, it feels strange at times, almost wrong. I feel guilty because I’m so far out of my realm of normalcy, that it can’t be “right”. It’s the opposite of everything that used to be my life. Sometimes I want the old definition of normal back in my life just because it’s what's familiar, albeit unhealthy, and at the very least, tiresome. I want some sort of familiarity in my life because everything is so different, some days I don’t know what to do with the “different”. It sits there, like a new piece of technology, I want to use it, learn it and bring it into my life, but I don’t want to take the time to read the directions, or go through the process of learning something new and exciting. I want what’s familiar, I want what’s “normal”. At least I sometimes THINK that anyway. What I really want? That has yet to be defined. I want a new “normal”.

I'm realizing that going through a divorce and losing weight both involve a grieving process.  There's a fine line between both experiences.  Both offer new and exciting  possibilities for my future, however, I still need to bury my old self, grieve the person I once was, and move on.  Maybe I need to make a memorial or something, just to remind myself that the old me has died, and now, I'm someone else.....It's OK to miss that old someone sometimes, she wasn't all bad, but I can bring some of her with me, just need to make sure I bring the RIGHT pieces with, and leave the unhealthy ones dead and buried.  No need to resurrect  the disease.

My WL seems to have accelerated a little more lately because I've increased my exercise and seem to be able to get less food down in one sitting even though I haven't had any adjustments lately.  Yee ha!  Maybe the fact that I'm going through a divorce and major life changes are taking place is a contributing factor too. 

April 13th, 2007

  It's been a year (and a week) since my lap band surgery.  I am SO glad I did it!  It has forced me to develop better habits, I eat less, eat more slowly, chew more, all the things I tried to do BEFORE but never could.  I can climb stairs, and even better, descend them.  If you ever had knee problems, you know what I mean.  I can bend down and pick things up, put socks on and off easily, and even paint my toenails!  Before, I could barely even SEE my toes!  I've lost 65 pounds (about) and still want to lose about 65 more by the Grace of God.  Some may think it has been going too slowly, but I feel healthy about how slow it's been.  I've had time to adjust toe each new phase, I don't feel deprived of ANYTHING, and I feel that slower is healthier.  One year ago I was 65 pounds heavier, If I hadn't had the surgery, I would still be 65 pounds heavier or more!  A year goes fast, so actually, it FEELS like I've lost more quickly than I actually have.  I feel so blessed to have had this surgery , even though I had to pay for it myself, I would pay twice the money to get it done.  I actually have my LIFE back!  What kind of pricetag can anyone put on that?!  I should be a Mastercard commercial.  Cost of surgery? $15,000.  Cost of office follow up visits?  $84.  Band adjustments?  $200.   Being able to fit  into smaller clothing, wear sexy shoes, climb stairs, RUN with the dog, actually like my own reflection in the mirror? PRICELESS!

I thought I had lost all of this, but luckily I was able to copy and paste it before it was gone forever!

July 1st, 2005
Dr. Chua's office called today to set up my 1st appt. I really haven't been thinking about the surgery very much lately. I know I'm going to have to self pay, and somehow feel as though it's not even going to happen because I'm not really sure how I'm going to pay for it. Probably a loan. I'm just going to go through the motions for now, keep my apptointments, do the best I can, and hope that somehow things will all fall into place. I'm just trying have faith that all will work out. I've been reading other's profiles and am starting to feel scared and anxious about this, and wonder if it's the right thing to do. Then I have days where I can barely walk because of my knees and know that it will be the right thing to do.

March 11, 2006

I'm so surprised every time someone writes to me! I guess I wonder why me among all these others? Somehow God is speaking to me through them and it really helps me feel better about my decision to go through with this. I actually went in to our credit union and signed for the loan today. The payments aren't going to be that bad, and as one person I talked to put it "You wouldn't think twice about spending that much on a car, would you? How much more are you worth to your family?". I need to keep remembering that. We've been through several cars already, but they only have ONE me. I did my pre-op testing a few days ago. Surprisingly, I'm a pretty healthy person for weighing as much as I do. My cholesteral is great, my blood sugar is normal, blood pressure is good, everything is quite good, except for the fact that my knees are killing me, and getting around is so painful sometimes I just don't want to move. Going up the 3 flights of stairs at my school where I teach is torture some days! Sometimes I think I'm just never going to make it. I'm looking forward to a new me.

March 28, 2006
I can't believe my surgery is only about a week away. I'm not really feeling much of anything yet, just numb. A little scared, but it seems so unreal still. I'm looking forward to getting off for Spring break a week early. School's been very stressful, the kids are crazy, they need a break too, but it's getting impossible to teach between all the stopping and starting again because of discipline problems. It's crazy. I feel sorry for the sub who's gonna take my place. I need Spring!

April 6, 2006
Wow! It's already here! In about 15 minutes I'll be leaving for the surgery center. Next time I write in here, it'll be all over (or just beginning, actually). Mostly I'm scared, I haven't had any major surgery since my tonsils were removed at age 5. My only hospital stays had to do with giving birth. I'm a little excited, but I haven't allowed myself to really go there yet. Always the skeptic, always afraid to allow myself the hope that I will someday be healthy and thin. Most "normal" people probably would have no idea how scarey this really is. It doesn't just have to do with fear of surgery, but fear of failure. This is my last hope. I don't even want to think about what if it doesn't work for me.....

later....

Wow! and ow! Very sore, but getting better. Looking forward to the pain going away. Getting better by the minute, enjoying sleep and good pain killers.

April 14, 2006

One week and a day post op. I feel better every day. The protein drinks and all the fish I've been choosing to eat are helping me heal faster, I can feel it (good thing I like fish). It amazes me that I can feel so much pain when I cough on one day, and the very next day feel almost none! The first 2 days post op were the worst, after that things began to drastically improve. I'm just trying to make sure I'm getting the right nutrition. I really like being able to feel full and satisfied on such small amounts of food! I always wanted to be able to have just a cup of soup (for example) and have that be enough for awhile. Now, it's more than enough and my band hasn't even been adjusted yet! I'm finally beginning to feel excited about my decision to do this. It's finally occurring to me that I've made a huge change and there are going to be wonderful things ahead for me. In Oct I turn 49. Maybe, 50 will be the "new 30" for me after all! All I had to look forward to before was debilitating knee, hip and back pain, huge unattractive clothing, imobility, death. Now, I feel like I just might get my LIFE back. Cost of surgery? Small price to pay for LIFE! If someone put a gun to my head and said they'd let me live if i gave them $15,000, I'd not hesitate. Well, that's just what I did! Except my own disease was the gun and I had my own finger on the trigger.

October 7, 2006

Wow! I just got a notice that I have half a year down and a request to log on and update! I can't believe it's 6 months already! I'm down about 50 pounds and I'm feeling great! My knees are getting so much better, I can handle the steps at my school with very little difficulty (except on a damp day), and my energy level is better than it was in my 30's! I'm enjoying every minute of life. Shopping for new clothes is fun, work (elem. music teacher) is better than ever! I even have energy to exercise AFTER work! i used to come home and get comatose infront of the TV almost every night, barely able to move. I still have at least another 50 pounds to lose, but wow! I wonder how great that's gonna feel!