M. B.

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After denying that my clothes were getting increasingly tighter and rationalizing eating slider foods, I stepped on a scale for the first time in a year to find that I've gained 40lbs since my lowest weight point. Now at 7 years post-op and finding myself physically uncomfortable, making poor choices and giving in to cravings, my lack of self-care has put me on the wrong track. No longer! Beginning this afternoon, it's time to refocus on what I put into my body and what I do with my body so that I can return to optimal health and wellness. I have all the tools I need from knowing healthy foods, exercise equipment, ability to walk and lift weights and more. What I need to do is use my knowledge, skills and will power to act for my benefit. So, beginning today, I'm back on track to lose 40lbs, gain strength and endurance, take my vitamins and develop a repotoire of healthy recipes/food choices in 5 months. Back on track indeed!

I can buy a size XL at Old Navy when previously I couldn't fit into anything they sold. I can fit into a woman's size 18 at Dress Barn instead of a 30/32 at Lane Bryant.
I can do a full-fledged strength training and cardio workout for an hour.
I can fit into a restaraunt booth without even questioning it.
I can climb stairs without losing my breath.
I'm strong enough to lift everthing from bags of mulch to the seats in the minivan.
I can fit into the seats at Miller Park and not spill over into my neighbor's space.
I can do push ups and pull ups and even walk backwards uphill on the treadmill.
My knee and hip joints don't hurt with every step and I can cross my legs.
My family is eating healthier than ever and my husband started working out with me too.

When I start to feel bad for not having reached my ultimate weight goal or for not wearing a size 10 outfit, I need to remind myself of all I've accomplished so far which is incentive to continue working towards my goal.

This subject has been on my mind for the last couple of months as I've hit a major plateau which has lasted far too long (and Oprah's TV show and magazine have focused on her disappointment with weighing 200lbs again). In the pre-op phase our surgeon and nutritionist warned us about how one feels after the honeymoon period of fast weight loss ends. "That won't happen to me" I said time and time again. Well guess what? It happened. In a matter of months, I find myself drawn to the scale to see if my weight has changed in the past month, week, day and even hours. That's just crazy! Why, because I claimed I didn't have the surgery because of a number on the scale, but rather for the feeling of health. That seems to have changed once my weight came falling off; suddenly I loved getting on the scale and seeing 20, 50 and 100 pounds melt off my body. Now I find myself thing "more, more, more needs to go and it needs to go faster, faster, faster". Why does the mind work that way... I've lost 100 pounds, I'm down from a size 30/32 to a size 18/20, off my blood pressure medicines and living without knee pain. That needs to be celebration enough!

This morning, I was talking to my husband and mentioning that I wanted to lose an additional 15-20 pounds before my one-year anniversary. At that point, my usually quiet and reserved husband piped up and reminded me that I was falling back into old ways of thinking; worrying about the numbers on the scale, talking calories and weight watchers points and all those things that were my focus for years and years of weight gain. Wisely he suggested "Instead of worrying about losing 15 pounds, why don't you set a goal of going to the gym/exercising at home 15+ times in January." What sage advice, because if I make the commitment to my cardio and strength health, I'll no doubt reap the benefits through increased strength, physical fitness, inches lost and most likely lost pounds.

Therefore, with 2009 approaching in a matter of hours, I'm going to follow the advice I give to others on a regular basis: Worth is NOT equal or associated to weight! While I plan to lose more weight to get to a healthier BMI, if I never lose another pound, I am not a WLS failure nor a less worthy person. While I intend to stay focused and work hard, no matter the outcome, I'm still a wonderful wife, a marvelous mother, a darling daughter, a supportive sister, a faithful friend, a great guidance counselor and more.

Happy 2009!

I did it! I've actually lost 100 lbs of negativity, low-self esteem and sadness. I've gained a ton of energy, joy and pride in myself and what I've accomplished. Just like everyone said - it's so much fun to shop now. Guess what I bought? Knee hi boots that didn't have to be extra-wide calf size. My winter coat from last year wraps 2x around my body so it's time to pick out something cute for this season. I don't even have PJ's that fit as my favorite fleece bottoms fall right off my hips. While I still have 47+ pounds to lose until I reach my personal goal, it's fun to celebrate this major accomplishment! I am so proud of myself!!

As a former size 30/32 gal, I just wanted to make note of an amazing milestone. Yesterday the hubby and I went shopping at a local Liz Claiborne outlet store and I tried on work pants for my new job. Normally, I walk right past that store but decided to see what they had inside. As a big girl, you get used to looking in those kind of stores for purses and jewelry - maybe some shoes if you're lucky.

Just for kicks I tried the size 20's and they fit - woohoo! The salesclerk said try these size 18s. After rolling my eyes, I gave it a try (b/c they were cute afterall) and woohoo - I got a leg in, then two legs in, then they pulled up, they actually buttoned, and they even zipped! Hallelujah! Now, don't get me wrong - I couldn't sit down in them, but hey - they're ON! That enough is reason to celebrate!

That's how long it's been since the last time I weighed what I do today! My youngest daughter was a newborn in July of '96, and I remember specifically getting on the scale to see if nursing really helped this new mom lose weight. Now, in the 14 weeks since I began my pre-surgery liquid diet, I've lost 71 pounds. Yes, 71 freaking pounds! Woohoo!

Yesterday, Dr. Garren asked me what the best thing about being 71 pounds lighter is. I answered - feeling like I did in high school and college. What is this weird thing called energy?? What are these weird things called cheekbones, hipbones or collarbones?? I know I still have a lot more to lose, but I'm celebrating my success right now!

The past week or so was a real test of my patience level. After losing pound upon pound, I found myself at a plateau around my 50 pound loss. I was working out regularly doing cardio and weights, but the scale didn't budge for DAYS. Remembering all of the advice for everyone here on OH, I kept working on getting my protein and water in. Not that I was perfect but I made a good attempt. Finally, I stepped on the scale this morning and Viola - the scale moved magically down 5 pounds! Whew - I'm proud of myself for sticking to it and not giving up.

Last night my family went to see the African Children's Choir (which was wonderful). Usually when we go to nice theatrical places, I fret about the seating and how closely they squeeze seats in. My usual cure is to put one child on each side of me so I don't have to take up someone else's space, but this time my girls wanted to sit by each other so I bit the bullet and sat next to a stranger. Oddly enough, I took my seat, and DIDN'T spill over the sides as I have in the past. Both my neighbor and I had plenty of space and that means I actually enjoyed the concert instead of being self-conscious the entire time. To the average person that may not seem like a big deal, but to me - it was freeing!

It's also fun to be a "cheap date" now. I went to lunch with a friend today and my part was $5.00 - $2.50 for the skinless baked potato and $2.50 for a side of broccoli. On top of it, I have side dishes for my salmon dinner tonight as I had more than half of each leftover. I still get a kick out of bringing home a doggy bag!

Once again, I was blessed to have my check-up go well. My blood pressure was NORMAL and I was able to drop one of my prescriptions already! Then I stepped on the scale and was glad to see that I was down another 8 pounds. Woohoo - that makes for a total of 51 pounds lost since I began my liquid diet in late February. Given all of my weight related challenges over the past 25 years, I find that absolutely amazing! I'm one third of the way to my absolute goal in just 2 months. Most likely the weight loss will slow down, but still - you have to celebrate all of the victories along the way right? I just plan to never see those 51 pounds ever again!

One thing I find amazing is that the UW program doesn't focus on weight loss. It's so different than other weight loss programs - no ringing of the bell for pounds lost, no stars on the wall noting pounds lost, no ribbons or pins either. Their focus is truly on our health and healing. Part of me wants the big huge celebration but yet I'm also appreciative of the celebration of health & well-being.

With all that weight loss, you might think I need to get all new clothes right? Well apparently all my clothes were way too tight. On one hand, there are things that are big & baggy, but mostly I'm finding that clothes fit nicely now. There are also more things cropping up that I couldn't squeeze into that now fit - and shock me when they do!

Today was my 4 week check up with my dietician, and things are moving along nicely. I did get in "trouble" for not sticking with pureed foods for my first full 4 weeks but it seems that I'm tolerating the soft foods just fine.  I'm also not taking enough calcium which means I need to increase my dosage from 2 supplements a day to 4. Have you seen these pills? The are HORSE pill sized, but I'll continue to crush them and stir them into my yogurt to choke them down. No need to complain, I'll need to do that every day for the rest of my life so I better get on it.

As far as weight loss goes, today was a MAJOR day on the scale for me. I met one of my personal goals which made me say "hot dang" when I got off the scale! My home scale weighs 6 pounds heavier than the clinic scale so these and all of my future totals will be based on the clinic scale or "translated" from my home scale. That said, overall, I've lost 42 pounds since my heaviest weight ever in early February, and 24.5 pounds since surgery on April 4th. Not bad, not bad at all!

I do have three challenges ahead and things I need to focus on:
1) Getting in 2 protein drinks a day. They need to be my mid-morning and mid-afternoon "snacks".
2) Getting in my 4 calcium supplements which means I need 2 - 3oz servings a yogurt each day, because that's the only thing I can stand the crushed calcium to be in.
3) Setting a true food schedule for the day with Breakfast, Mid-Morning Protein Drink, Lunch, Mid-Afternoon Protein Drink, Dinner and evening snack. Let's see - that's a 1/2 cup for breakfast, a 1/2 cup for lunch and a 2oz snack plus two drinks - not to mention 64 oz of water. It may not seem like much, but that is a TON of food for me nowadays. On top of that all, each actual meal needs to be completed within a 1/2 hour - no more grazing over an 1hour or so.

That's it for today. It's a beautiful spring like day so get out and get some sun. You need the vitamin D!!