December 12, 2009

Dec 12, 2009

Well I am five days from being 2 years post op from my revision surgery.  December 17th was my revision surgery from lapband to gastric bypass.  I am utterly disappointed with myself.  I have noone to blame for my failures but me!  Today I weigh 217lbs butt naked on a good day :(  Remember my smallest with this surgery was 191lbs.  I have gained 26lbs.  I would give anything to be back at the weight I was this time last year.  I've experienced so many mildstones over the past year of my life, both good and bad.  I'm still in graduate school.  That is the biggest reason why I don't have time to work out.  Am I making excuses????? Yes, I guess.  I will be honest with myself.  I haven't been taking the protein drinks like I used to.  Do you still have to at 2years post op. The thought of drinking one  makes me want to involuntarily vomit!!! I'm so disgusted with myself and so SCARED of gaining more weight.  I've got to stop now!   Where do I even begin?  How do I regroup and start all over.  I have so many clothes in my closet that I can't wear :(  I have size 14 and misses 16 that are soooo tight in the butt and thighs and waist.  I can't snap or zip or button any of those pants.  I had to go out and purchase 16w :(  What's wrong with this picture?  I have always felt like my pouch was too big!!! I want to have it checked.  I wonder what would my surgeon do if I saw that it was too big?  Would my insurance pay for a tighten up job????  If I had another procedure that would make 3 weightloss procedures.  Should I get a lapband put ontop of this stomach????  I never dumped the way I wanted to with gastric bypass.  My dumping only consisted of my sugar getting really low and my heart beating really fast until the food went through my intestines.  I just dealt with that and ate what I wanted to eat.  I hate what I see in the mirror body wise.  My cardiologist says that I have body dysmorphia.  She wrote a mantra for me to say daily to myself when i'm in the mirror "I am beautiful for who I am at this moment".  It's crazy that I'm having all the damn vitamin deficiences from this surgery but no weightloss.  My cardiologist said that I have basically starved my heart, that's why i'm having so many problems.  So many of the vitamins we have to take postop are essential for optimal heart health.  My cardiologist also said that she would not recommend gastric bypass to another patient of hers. She says she has too many female patients who've had the surgery who are now her patients because of the surgery!  I had the surgery to lose weight to take the load off of my heart, but it only seems to have created a whole new set of issues with my heart.  I ask myself retorically,  "would I do it again?"  I think maybe another procedure like the sleeve, that way there are no vitamin deficiencies, but my insurance doesnt pay for the sleeve. I am really wondering if I can have a lapband put on top of my pouch.  I am crazy for even thinking that right?  As if I don't remember the drama I had with my lapband being too tight and slipping and emergency surgeries!!!!!!  God, will weight always be the battle of my life????

1 Comment