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Well, it's been over a year!  I had my surgery just over 2 weeks ago- and it was a success!  Everything went according to plan! 
So, now, i'm learning how to live my new life!!!  I'm ready for about 6 months from now though....when I've traveled a little further down this path! 

I got the YES!!!  I've been approved for my surgery!!!!  Now, it's just the waiting game!  I've never in my life been so excited about a piece of mail!   Finally, even though it's months out for the surgery....I feel, for the first time, that there is light at the end of the tunnel!  What a great feeling!  Now.........I wait...........patiently!!!!!! 

June 28, 2009
I have made the decision to have WLS.  I am 28 years old, about to be 29 (LAST year in my 20's)!  I have been overweight my whole life...and decided that it is way past time that I take control of my life, of my destiny!  I was talking to a friend last night, telling her about how excited I am about my life on the 'other side.'  She didn't seem to get it.  I was telling her about all the things I haven't done, and want to do so badly!  She said "you can do those things now, you just choose not to."  Hmmm....that simply isn't so.  Maybe some things I can do physically....but mentally, it's not even a possibility. 

I sent off my application a while back for my surgery, and have been waiting and waiting to get my YES!  I finally called the weight management center, and spoke to a counselor, who told me that with my BMI (51) I would be an automatic yes.  That was the best news I've ever gotten!  Now, I just have to wait for the letter in the mail.  Oh, and I have to wait SIX TO EIGHT months for the surgery!  But, hey...I didn't put this weight on overnight....so I suppose in the grand scheme of things, six to eight months isn't the end of the world. 

I am the only person in my family with a weight problem.  I have 4 sisters who are all thin, beautiful, long legged beauties.  While I believe I'm pretty....I've always been the fat sister.  2 of my sisters are what men fall over themselves for....which has always been hard to deal with.  And my baby sister, while she is amazing and my best friend, is also knock out beautiful!  Then, there's all the cousins...who are about model beautiful!  And again, always been the fat cousin.  I've always been told "you have such a pretty face"....which has made my heart break every time I've ever heard it.  Do people not realize how degrading that is?????  I can't wait for the day that I walk into a room with my sisters, and eyes gravitate towards me.........for the positive.....NOT  because they're trying to figure out where I 'fit into the picture.' 
I can't wait for the day that I'm not the fat daughter, the fat sister, the fat cousin, the fat friend.  I can't wait for the day that I don't try to melt into the background....but rather stand front & center, being ME!

I turn 30 on August 28, 2010.  By my 30th birthday, I want to at least be in the 100's...which from where I'm at right now, will be about 150 pounds...14 months to loose about 150 (or more) pounds.  So, considering that my surgery isn't likely to happen until about 8 months before my birthday, I'm getting a head start on losing!  
I have tried all my life to lose weight, and have even successfully lost quite a bit......but always gained it back.  I know, same ol' story!  But right now, knowing surgery is in my future....it's making it a little easier for me...I suppose because I'm feeling so much more hopeful.  I'm currently doing the HCG diet, which has been interesting.  I've lost about 14 lbs in the last 3 weeks....which isn't great, but it's a starting point. 
Something happened to me yesterday...after 3 weeks of keeping about a 500 calorie/ day diet....I gave myself permission to have a cheat day!!!!  I really made it okay for myself, and woke up so excited at the thought of eating some of my favorite foods!  I started the day with my favorite drink from Starbucks!  It tasted amazing.....for the 1st few sips....then it became too rich!  Now, this is a drink I used to drink daily!  I drank about 1/2 of it....and I was done.  I then went to the mall to buy a birthday gift.  Walking past all the stores with the adorable clothes in the window really effected me, like NEVER before!  By the time I left the mall, I didn't WANT to have my cheat day anymore!  It wasn't worth it to me!  Will power has never been a strong suit for me, obviously......so to have that kind of will power, and not feel as though I was depriving myself, really felt like a turning point for me.  I'm learning to change my relationship with food.....which I suppose is great for life after WLS. 
After a long stressful week, I used to come home, order pizza.....and feed my soul!  Or after a great week, or day, to go celebrate with an amazing dinner, drinks, dessert.  I never realized what a friend food was to me.  It made me feel good.........for a minute.  Now, I'm really trying to find other ways to congratulate myself.  I've yet to find what really feels great though.  It's all still new, so I'm sure it will come.  I have a feeling, once the weight is gone, new shoes will be my treat!
It's amazing how much more optimistic and hopeful I am, just knowing that I have something planned that is going to drastically change my life forever...it's already impacting me.
I believe I've become a little obsessed imagining my life as a thin, healthy, happy person!  It really seems to be ALL I can think about!!!   There are SOOOOOOOO many things I want to do. 
I want to:
*Swim in the ocean!  The pool!  The lake!!  Wear a BATHING suit!  I haven't worn a bathing suit in about 12 years!!!!  And, while I now live in CO, I used to live in TX!!!  Making it through all those TX summers without swimming....yuck!
*Have amazing SEX with the man I love!!!  Without constantly trying to cover up my body!  (PS...the man in question, haven't had sex with him yet!  He has agreed to wait for me to 'get right' with myself......so I can't WAIT to finally be 'there!!'  I'll tell ya, amazing sex has been the best motivating factor I've ever found!)
*Cross my legs!  With ease, and beauty (not forcing my leg over)!!!!
*Fly anywhere! The way I am right now, I absolutely will NOT fly!  Until I don't have to squeeze into the chairs, or cut my body in half with the seat belt (or ask for an extension...which I had to do once....and was the absolute most embarrassing moment of my life)...I've remained grounded!  I want to take weekend trips to Vegas, NYC, etc, etc, etc! 
*Go on a Caribbean cruise!
*Have amazing SEX!!!
*Ride a roller coaster!  I used to love them as a kid!
*Ride a Farris wheel again! 
*Not FREAK out about having to sit in a booth at restaurants! 
*SHOP!!!  SHOP!!!! SHOP!!!  AT ANY STORE!!!!!!!!
*Have mind blowing SEX!!!! 
*Ride a bike!
*Go rafting on the river!
*Not have to avoid patio chairs, or any chair for that matter, that I can't fit into with out cutting into me!
*Walk long distances without sweating!
*RUN!
*Wear dresses & skirts!  I'm such a girly girl, but have only worn pants for the last 17 years! 
*Wear heals!!!!  Sexy, CFM, check out these legs heals!!!!!!  I have a feeling I will be as obsessed with shoes as Carrie Bradshaw, once I can WALK in them!
*Have uninhibited SEX!!!!!  (Yes, this one is something I'm looking forward to the MOST!!!)
*Wear shorts!  Again, something I haven't done in about 17 years!  And cute shorts, with sassy heals will feel GREAT!
*Wear tank tops!  Hot summers...enough said!
But most of all....I want to be happy.  I want to WANT to get out of the bed in the morning.  I want to look forward to the day, seek out new things to do, new places to explore.  I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.  I want to confidently walk in a crowd of people, without wanting to melt into the pavement.  I want to be healthy, and feel good.  
I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE, AND NOT JUST EXIST IN IT!!!!!!! 

As I'm writing all of this, I feel so exposed.  I've NEVER in my life admitted the truth that has been simmering inside of me.  I've not been one of those 'fat girls' that walk around proud, acknowledging my enormous size.  I admire those that haven't been in hiding, and have found a way to accept who they are....that's just never been me.  I have always felt like a stranger when I look into the mirror. I guess what I mean is that I've always felt like a thin person trapped inside this enormous body. 

I have found so much inspiration on this site.  I have literally spent hours, upon hours, reading people's stories, and looking at photos....being so proud of people I don't even know.  I know, that's strange!  I truly believe you have to have been 'here' to get the full impact of it all. 
Getting all of this out, I believe, is only going to help me that much more. 
Thank you to everyone who has inspired me, and given me hope that for so long I did not have!!!

(PS...no before photo's until I have some after!)