Emmysarb
Mistakes of my past are not the mistakes of my future
Apr 10, 2013
Back in 2006 at the ripe young age of 18 (2006) I had a Lap-band put it in. It was a mistake on so many different levels. Mistake one: I was 18 for goodness sakes!!! I should not have had it done because all I was looking for at the time was the "easy" fix. When you are 18, have been over weight the majority of your life and you gain a whopping 30 lbs. in the first semester of college of course you are looking for the easy way out. Mistake two: I didn't know what I was doing. When I decided that I was going to have surgery and I found a doctor willing to do it I jumped in head first. I didn't check for dangers and obstacles just below the surface. WLS sounded perfect and just right for me. And maybe it was but not the Lap-band. When you are 18 and have a complex relationship with food you need something the makes you change your eating habits...the Lap-band wasn't it. Mistake three: I have an amazing relationship with the things that I eat and no one really told me (and I wasn't in touch with myself) that it was EXTREMELY unhealthy and deadly relationship. Food was and still is or me the abusive boyfriend that pulls you down, builds you back up and then pulls you down lower than you were before and if I keep coming back to him he is going to kill me one day. Mistake four: I didn't have the willpower or determination to change my ways. and Mistake five: I was struggling with many layers of depression and anxiety that was untreated and for the most part unacknowledged. My life up to 18 had some crazy ups and downs and I never really was able to deal with those issues until recently.
So here I am today 7 years after that surgery and what do I have to show for it... A revision done 10 months later to fix my port that had moved up under my ribs..No remarkable weight loss in the 7 years since...A band removal in June of 2012 due to pain, constant vomiting and poor results...And here I am today the heaviest I have ever been in my whole life.
Today at 25 almost 26 I look at my life and I look at the mistakes that I made before and during my lap-band and remind myself that those are in the past and moving forward I have a whole new life to look forward to.
I don't have a surgery date set yet for my RNY but hopefully soon. Due to an unplanned mental health hold and a slow insurance company I am still waiting...Hopefully end of July or beginning of August I will have surgery. Because of my past experiences I feel confident that the mistakes of my past will not be repeated. I know that my relationship with food is toxic and I am working with a therapist to address those issues. I am meeting my depression and anxiety with weekly therapy and an amazing combo or meds. Now that I know that surgery is a tool and not an "easy" fix I am not expecting it to be the be all end all, I know that the is A LOT of work on my end that needs to be done...I can't fail. Prepping for this hopeful surgery I have done so much research, I read articles, I read the forums on here, and I read blogs. I have asked my doctor all of the important questions and I think I have a really good grasp of what is to come.
I can use that past as a tool to guide me forward but it is my future that matters now. I have let the mistakes teach me but then I let them go.
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