EmpressLynneBN
25 Days away and I'm struggling to stay the course...
Nov 25, 2012
I would love to blame my recent lapses in judgment on the Holiday. but that's not real. I would like to say that having my parents stay with me, demanding I make my "special ribs", or "homemade pizza" is too much of a barrier, but that would also be an excuse. Both of the things are a legitimate influence, but still no excuse. I even found myself falling back on the old excuse that "Dammit, I cooked everything I am going to try it this one last time... which translated into 2 days of outrageous eating ( 3 if you count the work potluck on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. The truth is these past few weeks I have been out of control. I think every since the surgery became real to me I have been panicking at the thought of losing "good food" all the while I consciously know that food that is really good for you is not my problem.
The fear of rejection by my family when I no longer provide them with food escapes is terrifying, ( and completely imaginary!) The " this is the last time I'm going to have this so I'll make a memory" method is ludicrous and all of it just adds up to me judging myself harshly which doesn't change or improve the situation. Today 25 days away from surgery I started doing different and for myself. I tried having protein smoothies in the morning ( designer whey, with a banana, skim milk, raw sugar packet, and frozen fruit.) thinking I was on track but was told by a good friend that I am far from it. I had no clue it was supposed to be just the powder and the delivery system (milk, water, etc...) I thought I was helping. Today I had an Atkins day break shake, a protein bar, and some string cheese. I'm hiding out from my family because they want to know "what's for dinner??" and I'm not sure I am even on the right track. My life, in so many different areas, seems to be spiraling out of control and unmanageable at times; which is ironic since it's my job to help people figure out how to manage their family life in a healthy positive way...
Whew! that feels better. I have no idea if anyone will read this. I don't think anyone can help, but it feels better to be able to be authentic, scared, flawed, and hopeful all at the same time. I know others have felt this way. I would love to hear how you got through this. Right now my plan is to be compassionate with myself, and forgiving. I'm only human and I'm allowed to make some mistakes ( thanks Billy Joel! HA!)
